Comfort food

For years everytime I heard the term 'comfort food' what popped into my head was something my mom used to make quite often. Eating it always reminded me of being a kid and feeling warm and safe. It's a simple dish, really. Not too many ingredients and it doesn't require a lot of either prep work or time to make it. Even considering those factors I had never quite been able to make it the way both my mom and grandma had. I had tried in the past and just didn't seem to be able to pull it off. Plus, it was always something that my mom could just whip up quickly and her version was always much better than what I had attempted. Isn't that sometimes how it is? There's always that one (or sometimes than one) dish that it seems that only one person could make for you. For me it was my mom's hot spaghetti. When I say it's a simple dish I am not kidding - cayenne pepper, garlic salt, butter, and Parmesan cheese. Easy, right? Not really. There is a matter of reserving some of the water to make a sauce that coats the pasta without making it too watery. That was the hard part for me for some reason - mine either came out as dry as a desert or way too soupy.

The other day I woke up craving some hot spaghetti. I had all of the ingredients on hand so I thought that I'd give it a try. I had not tried to make it in a few years and the last time that I did have it my mom had made it for me one day when she came over for lunch. Right before I drained the water I used a soup ladle and scooped out about 2 cups of water to attempt to get the sauce right. I added a little at a time and it started to look like how my mom made it. One taste told me that I had done it right. That's where the tears started flowing. I was happy that I had made it the way she told me too but having it without her made me sad at the same time. By the time that I had dished it and sat down to eat it the tears had stopped and it just felt like I was enjoying something that I had always enjoyed and reminded me of home.


Lately my mom has been on my mind quite a bit. This is probably why I woke up wanting something she used to make for me. The second anniversary of her passing is coming up soon and it doesn't seem like it's been that long at all. Losing her so close to the holidays makes this time of the year hard for me. The couple of people that I know who've lost family members so close to the holidays tell me that the first few years are the hardest but that it does get easier to rejoice in this time a year further on down the road. I know they're right but honestly sometimes, especially days like today, it just doesn't feel that way. At least now I know that I have the ability to whip up a bowful of something I thought only she could make for me and enjoy it while thinking of her. Hers was better, no doubt about it, but mine's not that bad either.

Nothin' like a cute fireman..

For Halloween this year Nick dressed up as a fireman. His class had a field trip to a firehouse this past June and ever since then Nick has shown an interest in anything that has to do with firetrucks and all things associated with being a fireman. When we drive by that particular fire station that we visited with his class he'll often wave at it as well. Funny thing - when his daddy was young he was a major pyromaniac and his son is the opposite. I can't even light a candle without Nick trying to blow it out! Maybe we have a future firefighter on our hands here, who knows..

I just love this picture of Nick and the fireman he met at the field trip this past June.



Here's my very own cute fireman:








This was really the first year he was totally into trick-or-treating. He enjoyed himself quite a bit last year but was the first year that he displayed a great sense of excitement and anticipation for the holiday. He had such a good time going that on the next night he gathered up his entire costume and brought it to me, saying "please" and indicating that he wanted to go again. I had to explain to him that Halloween only comes once a year and that it will be long time before he can put on another costume and go out and knock on doors. I love that he had such a good time that he wanted to go so soon. That kind of excitement on his part always brings a smile to my face :)

Birthday beach trip, take two

Last month on my birthday I took a trip over to the beach where my mom's ashes were placed to spend some time there with her. I did it last year and intend to do it every year. We always had spent a part of that day together and it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't go to where I feel the closest to her to continue that tradition. I'd have to say that this year's trip was much easier than when I went before. I've had another year to adjust to her absence and allow the permanence of it to sink in. The feelings of loss weren't as raw as they were last year so less pain was felt and instead a calm sense of both her presence and peace washed over me while I was there.

I set out on the trip mid-morning and really enjoyed the scenic drive. Wright's Beach is right outside of the town of Bodega Bay which is about a two hour trek from where I live. Driving the route I normally go you pass through parts of the wine country and through the town of Petaluma. I noticed when I got to the point where Bodega Bay was about ten miles away that I felt a lump in my throat beginning to form and a pit in my belly. For some reason I was both nervous and excited to be going to her beach. That feeling continued until I parked and got out of the car. The moment I headed towards the shore I lost all those feelings and just felt an overwhelming sense of being one with her and the feeling that where I was at that moment was where I should be. The weather was insanely nice that day; a stark contrast to the dismal skies the year before and I am sure that helped my demeanor as well. I took off my boots and walked down towards the surf, standing at the exact spot where her ashes fell out of the urn. I spoke her to at length like I did last year and again knew that she already was aware of all I was saying to her but somehow just saying those things out loud helped me again.

Since the weather was so nice there and being there was much easier than last year I spent a good deal more time there than before. I had taken with me a blanket that she crocheted for me as a gift for my 16th birthday and spread it out on the bench of a picnic table that was on the beach. I then laid down on that and plugged in my Ipod, listening to the music I knew she loved as I did last year. The combination of the warm sun, the scent of the salt water in the air, the good music flooding my ears, and her presence made me feel such a sense of contentment that I hated for it to end. When my empty stomach began to protest is when I decided to leave and grab a bite to eat before I began the drive home. Before I did that I walked down to the surf and again spoke to her, promising to come back next year if not sooner to be there with her. While I drove towards home I felt that lump form again that was there earlier and just knew that the emotions were rising up again. To calm myself I parked and sat there for a while. Going away from her spot made me sad but I am lucky because I feel close to her wherever I am. As long as I have the ability to remind myself of that I can make it through the rest of my life without her. When she died we were in a good place, relationship-wise, and had said all that we needed to say to one another. Not everyone has the chance to do that with a dying parent and for that, as well as many other things with respect to her, I am a lucky girl indeed.

Here are some pictures from this year's trip:

What a gorgeous day, huh?







I stopped and got out at a point somewhere between Wright's Beach and the Bodega Dunes campground and took this picture. I just couldn't get over what a lovely day it was there!



This is the blanket with my mom's initials and date that she made for me. I had packed that blanket away in a box and only recently found it. When I use it for warmth I think of her crocheting it for me and that makes me feel even warmer inside


I am so thankful that I was able to go there again. I am also very thankful for the birthday wishes from my friends and family. Once again a good friend of mine chose to remind me on my birthday of the number of days until I hit the big 5-0 milestone. I do believe I will have the last laugh on that one as he will hit it before I do. Thanks again, brat :)

All about my two new babies..

Meet our new puppies - Max and Abby









Max is a sweet little noisemaker. He was super quiet at first but once in his comfort zone showed himself to be a little yapper. He loves to run around and chase the outdoor cat we have as well as his sister. He had worms when we got him but responded nicely to the treatment the vet gave him and appears to be free of them now. He plays very rough with Abby but also is as sweet as he can be with her at times. He has an awesome appetite and has begun to grow in length and fill out a bit since coming to us. When we got him he weighed in at 4.4 lbs and the vet thought that he'd most likely grow to double that weight. He's a sweetheart and is such a cuddler. I love my little Max :)




Abby is becoming a total mama's girl. She follows me around and is always trying to get the closest to me when I am laying down with both her and her brother. Yesterday she even bit Max on the ear to get the spot she had designated as hers. She is very tiny and delicate but nobody should be fooled by her appearance - she is perfectly capable of taking the rough-housing that Max dishes out and will often launch another attack on him he stops to rest. She was a couple ounces smaller than her brother when weighed at the vet the day we got her and is growing nicely as well. I love my sweet little girl :)

Oh, the joys of having a puppy (or in our case, puppies) again! These guys are somewhere in the neighborhood of three months old and we're not exactly sure what they are mixed with. Max's appearance looks like a cross between dachshund and mini-Doberman pincher with some chihuahua thrown in and Abby doesn't appear to have any of the pincher in her at all. They definitely keep us our toes and have become a part of our household in a pretty quick and easy fashion. They have endeared themselves pretty quickly to all who've met them and even have bonded with Nick in a way that I hadn't expected. Both puppies are fascinated by him and often follow him around the house and the backyard. He interacts with them far more than he has with other animals and that's so much fun to see. I had been worried that he would feel slighted or pushed off to the side by these guys but he seems to be just going with the flow and accepting them and all the attention they are getting.

Two weeks ago I didn't even know these two existed and now I am totally crazy about them. They came into our lives through chance and have completely changed the dynamics of our home. I had began to think about getting another dog and somehow that became two. My good friend Amber found them and knew they were for us. It was total fate and I am so grateful she happened to be in the right place for us to meet these guys. She had been trying to convince me for years to get another dog and was so excited when I told her that I had thought I was finally ready. It took me a long time to get to that point, just over three years as a matter of fact. Our previous pet, our mixed doxie Gizmo, was far more than a dog to me. I had him for over 15 years and felt like I was losing a blood family member when he passed. I never really had a time frame in mind as to when I would even begin to think about getting another dog, I just knew that it would take a while before I could even think of it. I didn't want to try to replace him in anyway and knew those would be tough shoes to fill as well. The way I had thought about it is that I had to get to a place where I wanted another dog, not another Gizmo, if that makes any sense. I don't expect either of these puppies to be him in any fashion and that's good because they won't.

Here's a video of their antics, with Nick enjoying the show.



I feel so lucky to have them and hope they're with us for a long time. Thanks again, Ambie, for being in the right place at the right time.

Birthday Boy

It's hard to believe but today is the day of my sweet little boy's 8th birthday. The old adage about time flying is so true and time seems to pass even quicker when you're witnessing a child grow. Sometimes when I am feeling nostalgic for the baby days of the past I close my eyes and relive the first time I saw his little face. I remember looking down when he was handed to me and seeing in the crook of my right arm the sweetest face with the most prominent red lips I had ever seen on a newborn baby. I recall not being able to stop staring at those lips and being fascinated by the softness of his skin, especially on his chubby cheeks. He has mesmerized me since..

Nick isn't your average child but I honestly wouldn't trade who he is for a typically developed one. He is who is and I accept him. I wish communication was easier for him, not for my own needs. He tries and I salute his attempts. Do I hope he will be able to talk more as the years go on? Sure, but if he doesn't I will still love and accept him as I do now. He is a very sensitive, kind boy and his sweet spirit is what sets him apart from others. He has great instincts with people..he seems to have a innate understanding of the needs of others. I can't count how many times he has lifted me up without me showing I needed that kind of support. There was one incident recently when I was having a rough day that really illustrates his sweet side.. I was sitting on the floor in the living room and he came in and took me by the hand, had me sit on the couch so we were eye-to-eye and kissed my forehead. He just knew I was having a bad day and that was his ways of showing his love and concern for me. Seriously, it just doesn't get better than that, folks.

On the last day of school Nick was given a speech devise on loan from his school district. It has a series of panels where PECS (picture exchange communication system) cards are placed. I recorded my voice in each spot so he can use them to indicate what he wants or make a sentence. There is an "I want" PEC on each grid of the machine and he can then use that plus the item that he does want to let us know what he's wanting or needs at that moment. One night I went out to the store for a few minutes and he stayed home with his daddy. For some reason when I left it really bothered him and he cried the whole time. He was asked what he wanted and he grabbed the devise and used it to say " I want more mommy". Naturally I dissolved to tears when I got home and heard that.

Since giving birth to him my life has changed in so many ways.. some good, others not, but the best thing about these past 8 years has been having Nick in my life. He requires major dedication and devotion but none of that has been difficult for me to summon up. He didn't ask to be born nor did he ask to be afflicted with his disorder. I chose to have him and now I owe it to him to do whatever it takes to further his chances of having the best life he can have. He faces challenges each day that I know nothing about and cannot really even relate to. All I can do is my best to help him through those obstacles and be the best I can be for him. He deserves nothing less than that and everything else I can give as well.

He is still asleep but I can't wait until he wakes up so I can smother him with kisses and hugs. Sometimes I still try to put him in the crook of my arm where I first saw him. Naturally he no longer fits but looking down at him in that spot brings me back to the first time I saw him there. I loved him then and I love him about a million times more today.

Happy birthday to my sweet bubba boy

About the boy..

The last six months have been ones of incredible growth and change for him. Size-wise he's changed so much. He's grown about two inches since the beginning of the year and his once rail-thin little body has begun to fill out a bit also. Vocal ability still eludes him for the most part but he tries so hard each day. The inability to express himself does have a tendency to be expressed in ways that are disruptive at times - tantrums, crying, and things of that nature. These outbursts are hard to handle but very understandable. But.. being the parent I cannot allow him to just vent whenever he wants to. I wish I could say I understand how he does feel but I don't. I have never had the inability to express myself and that is something he deals with constantly. There are times that I would just love to be able to climb inside of his brain for a day and see things in the manner he does. I know that's not possible, but it's definitely something I would do if I could. I often wonder how much doing that would change my perspective on the world around us since I would be seeing things the same things he sees. So many questions come to mind when I think of doing that - would the colors I see somehow be sharper? would sounds appear to be louder? how frustrated would I be to not be able to speak when nearly everyone around me does on a regular basis? I have so many questions and really would give just about anything to be able to understand my child better.

I love to watch him when he isn't aware I am doing so and see how he observes his surroundings. He really fascinates me and I try to see things the way he does with those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. Everything seems to fascinate him and he has many interests. I still am waiting to see what special gift he was blessed with. Many people on the spectrum have something that they are able to do that sets them apart from others. For a while I was convinced that his had to do with numbers; they interested him and amused him as well. His love of the written word in any form has been one constant in his life since he was a baby. Like his mom he adores books and almost always has one or more near him. He really loves the grocery ads as well. Nothing makes him happier than scattering them across the kitchen table and pointing out to me what he likes or having me tell him what the items are. He can also identify things when I ask them what they are with amazing accuracy. Taking him out to places like stores and restaurants can be dicey situations as I never know if something will upset him or his mood will change to the point that being out in public isn't a fun option for either of us or the people we might be around. I still plug away and take him out despite this though. I honestly think that I'd be doing him a disservice if I didn't. He has the same rights as anyone else to be out there.. if he acts up I do my best to take him out of the environment as quickly as possible. I think if I were to avoid taking him out that would send the message to others, and perhaps even Nick, that I am using the fact that there are times when it really is very hard to do that, as an excuse not to. So what if it can be difficult? He's worth all the effort it takes to do anything with and for.. it's as simple as that. Sad to me that others don't seem to get that but that is just how it is.

Nick still shows in some ways that he is still feeling the loss of my mom. The summer she was diagnosed as terminal she made a bear for him at Build-A-Bear that she recorded her voice in for him. I keep the bear on a high shelf but Nick will get down the bear from time to time and cuddle with it, pushing it to hear her voice. My mom was the type of person who helped keep Hallmark in business as she bought cards for nearly every occasion. There is a Halloween card she gave him back in '05 that he seems to really love. He carries it around sometimes and points to her writing, sometimes saying "na" when he does. My mom always did say that he will probably read before he can talk and maybe she was correct. Looking at pictures of her tends to evoke varied responses, depending on his mood it appears. There was one picture in the hallway of her and I that he keep turning over. The area is full of pictures of him and his family but that one particular one was the only one that he would mess with. I'd turn it right-side up and he would do the same thing. Finally he threw it down one day and I asked him if seeing that there upset him and he replied "yes". I had figured that it did bother him by the way he was acting towards it.. I just really wanted him to communicate to me that fact. I'm not sure why that picture of her and I upset him so much but I was glad he was able to convey to me that it did. I often wonder if he feels loss on a different level than the rest of us. The night she passed he was very intuned with me and seemed to know she was gone before I could even tell him. He kept stroking my cheek as I was speaking to him about it and looked me intently in the eyes as well. He is the master of non-verbal communication in my opinion.

I wish I had some insight as to what his future holds, but does any parent really know what is in store for their child? You just do your very best to give them what they need to succeed, teach them the differences between right and wrong, and give them all the love and support they need. Parents of children with special needs are really no different in that respect. What sets us apart from parents of typically developed kids is that we do have to sit back and see our kids struggle more than some other parents witness. That being said I still wouldn't trade any aspect of Nick for a child with more abilities. He is perfect the way he is. Thank God for him.

Last post of the year.. and decade.

I find it so hard to believe that the first decade of the 21st century is about to be over with. All New Year's eves find me being very introspective and thinking of the year that's about to end and this one isn't an exception. The big difference is that I am thinking of the decade gone by as well and how much changed in that time span. I've had loved ones come and go, became a parent, a homeowner, and feel as if I am come into my own. In short -- I grew up.

The years 2007-2009 were, without a doubt, the hardest ones for me and the people I love. Many changes, sorrow, hardship, and struggles characterize those years. I am an optomist.. I believe that things will turn around. If I didn't have that mindset I don't know how I'd face the future. I believe that my child will continue to flourish in his therapies and rise to the level that is possible for him to function independantly in society. I never let myself think of things being any other way. My hopes may not come true but they won't for a lack of faith on my part in his ability to do so. He's amazing, brilliant, and so very capable of so much more than he shows at this point. He's simply the best and truly the best thing to not only happen to me in this past decade but my whole life. I'm a lucky mama.

As far as the sad things that happened this past decade - the loss of my mom, dog, and father-in-law.. well, those still sting and always will, I am sure. To deal with those blows I tend to think often of just how lucky I was to have them in my life in the first place. It's that type of thinking that allows me to cope with the pain of losing someone. The facts of life, like death itself, may rob us of the people we love but nothing can erase good memories.

Here's to hoping that the next decade brings joy, happiness, and much less strife to my life and those around me.

Happy New Year :)