About my mom..

Try as I may I cannot sum up my mom in a few sentences or by using some of the common adjectives that one usually uses to describe someone that they love. To me my mom was more than the sum of her parts and was a force of nature. I believe I have already used that expression to describe her and it really does or did fit. One of the hardest parts of losing her is remembering to use the past tense while describing her. I still find myself using the present tense alot and I am sure that's very common.

Like most of us my mom was on a quest her whole life to find love. She never really felt it from her own mother so she chose - yes, chose - to become a mother at a very young age. She believed that by having me she could create a person who would always love her and help fill the empty void that was inside her. To say she had bad luck with men was an understatement. I like to think of it this way.. my mom was blessed with two great males in her life.. her father and my son. One way to see it is that her life was bookended by the presence of those two great guys. She began her life with my sweet grandpa who was devoted to her and ended it with my son who felt the same about his Nana. My grandpa was one of the most wonderful, kind, caring men to have ever lived and well, the little man who brought her so much joy at the end is pretty damn great as well.

One of my most favorite things about my mom was the simple fact that she was completely incapable of being phony and hated any bullshit of any kind. She was honest with her emotions but had tact and never wielded her words as weapons as some do. You always knew where you stood with her - I think anyone who knew her would agree with me on that. She hated pretense with a passion and was open to all types of people.

To my mom her friends were as important as family. She didn't grow up close to her only sibling, my uncle Frank, but they later developed a loving relationship. The friends she was fortunate to collect over the years became the family she wasn't close to. Just this past week I have received a few phone calls from the people who were close to her for many years and stayed loyal until the end. One thing about my mom that shows quite a bit about her character is the fact that she wasn't a fair weather friend to those in her life. If she loved you, you knew it and she was the type who would back you to the wall and unleash her claws on those who tried to cause her loved ones harm. When I was a little girl I used to think she placed too much emphasis on her friends, but as I grew up I understood that it was her friends who sustained her when life threw many challenges her way. She had it very rough as a single mom to my brother and I and if it wasn't for the people who rallied around her she may have crumbled under the pressure.

I know I have spoken at length about how much my child meant to my mom and it's so very true. She had wanted to become a grandparent for many years and was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Although we had had our disagreements in the past my son coming along mended all those fences and bound us together. She was so involved in every aspect of my pregnancy yet did it in the most respectable, non-intrusive way possible. She was understanding of my decision to not have family present in the delivery room and never pressured me to change my mind. My mom was just like that.. very accepting and had the best habit of letting me make my own decision without over-stepping any boundaries with me. I was the same with her.. if she wanted to tell me something, she would. I always knew she had her reasons if she chose to not share something with me and I never felt slighted. You know the expression that women often turn into their mothers? Well, I can see shades of my mom in me, for sure. I had seen them before she passed but even more so in the year since.

This whole week leading up to the anniversary of her passing has been a hard one for me. I keep thinking of how she was a year ago and so close to death. A year ago all she wished for was to free of her pain - she even said that out loud. She was ready to die and end that suffering that plagued her. When she did die I felt some relief but a year later that is magnified. I understand that was keeping me from feeling total relief then was my own selfish feelings of loss. I don't knock myself for them because I think that's a natural reaction when you lose someone. You wonder how you'll make it without them and what your life will look and feel like without them around. I did that and sometimes I still do wonder what my life will be like while I am continuing to learn to live without her. If I had to describe to someone what it has felt for me without her the best I could do is to liken it to jumping out of an airplane and not knowing for sure if your parachute will work. I've had moments where I felt like I was free falling and wasn't sure if anyone else could catch me. That's not to put down the people that are in my life that provide me with love and support at all.. it's just that nobody did that like my mom and I highly doubt anyone could ever again.

One thing that makes me both laugh and cry a bit is when I think of all the things she said to me in the morphine induced state she was in for the last week of her life. She and I had some wonderful bonding moments those last few days, particularly when nobody else was there and I was sitting at her bedside. She never lost her spunk or sense of humor, even telling me to shut up the day before she died when my fussing over her became annoying and then asking me when I left the room afterwards if she had pissed me off to the point where I wasn't going to come back. I remember laughing and telling her that I would be there as long as she was. And I was and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Today, December 10th marks a whole year since she lost her fight. I don't see it as her leaving us because in so many ways she is still here. I feel her presence often, especially when I am with my son. When he and I have our quiet moments I will often talk about her and tell him that she loves him. His response is generally to smile and sometimes say her name. Nick and his na, as he called her, forged an awesome bond. One of the things I miss most is seeing them both light up when they saw each other. I don't think my son could've asked for a better na and one of the saddest things about her not being around anymore is how much he'll miss out on that. I do my best to keep the memory of her alive as my mom did for me and my brother when my grandpa died. I'd say she misses out too except I really do believe she is still with us. I can't call her up and tell her the really, super cute thing that he just did but it's ok - she already knows.

It's been a year and the pain has dulled a bit but days like today open up that wound just a little. I am sad today but I feel comforted knowing she's in a better place and is at peace. That's all I could ask for concerning her. She suffered and wanted that to end and since none of us are ever presented with a third option in that case, what happened to her by passing on is for the best. That being said I still allow myself to feel some grief. I love and miss her and I know I always will.