It's been three months since I last posted here. I have thought many times about coming here to get my feelings out but there are some days that neither talking nor writing about them appeal to me at all. I have spent a good portion of the last three months learning ways to cope with this new life without my mom and focusing on keeping things on an even keel for my son. Nick does better when I have a handle on my own emotions and am calm so that has become a major focus for me. People ask me often how I am doing and it really does change all the time. I honestly try to focus on the happier times and not think of her death. Her life was much more than the agonizing last six weeks that preceeded her passing. Thinking of the times that led up to that make me so much happier. I have so many fond memories of her, especially of the last six or seven years of her life. Those were the years that we really were able to grow closer. Nick was definitely the glue that both bound us and helped seal up the cracks that were there before. Our relationship wasn't always smooth sailing, by any means, but when I look back on it I can easily forget the strife and years where we weren't very close at all. That is a testement to how great the last years were for us and our relationship as mother and daughter.
You know how people always talk about how it's the little things you miss when someone is gone? That is so true in this situation. It's the daily calls, the little things that my child does that I know she would have loved to hear about, and the smile that Nick would get when we approached her house. Those are things that we both miss. The difference is that I can talk about how missing those things make me feel and he cannot. He had it very rough for a long while after she passed. Confusion and sadness led him to act out in ways that were uncharacteristic of him. Every aspect of his life - school, therapy, outings in the community with me, everything - became ordeals. He was finally able to calm down a bit about two months after she passed. He has asked for her in his own way by pointing her to picture and saying "yes" or "please".. which is what he does when he wants something. Those moments are heart-wrenching because there is no possible way for me to give him what he wants. I just remind him she's not in pain anymore and looks out after him now. That is most likely hard for him to completely comprehend but I have always been convinced that his receptive language skills are far superior than I, or anyone else, give him credit for. He is a very smart boy and it's so nice to see him back to being the incredibly sweet, loving boy he always was. His hugs and kisses truly are my tonic and his smile can make me want to join in even when sadness is threatening to take over.
This whole week leading up to my first Mother's Day without her has been really hard for me. It pains me to see all the ads on TV.. they only remind me that she isn't here for me to buy a gift for or honor her on her day. I know that will get easier because everything does in time, doesn't it? I truly think the only constant in life is change - it always happens and sometimes whether we'd like to or not. Life cycles around us and while some of it is painful, like a loss, time heals. I say that to myself over and over and maybe someday it will finally ring true for me. Besides change the only truly consistent thing in my whole life was my mom. We had times where we were on the outs but we most definitely had more good times than bad. She was both my mother, father and friend. She had told many people prior to her passing that she had thought that I'd take her loss the hardest. I don't know about that because I don't think it's fair for me to say my pain is deeper or try to speak as to how someone else is affected by this. All I know is this - this loss has been the single most defining thing that has ever happened to be with the exception of having my beautiful boy. As what happened when I became a mom this has changed me considerably. I definitely see life as more precious and value the people I love even more. I also realize that not only is life something to be treasured, its often too short. I'm attempting to live life to the fullest even more now. This is what I consider part of the healing process and hopefully will stick with me. I have a child to raise and a life to live. Doing both without my mom wasn't something that I thought I would have to do for many years but life threw us all a huge curveball, wouldn't you say? I don't have any great baseball metaphors to use here so I won't even try, but all I know is this - she would want to me to do both of those to the best of my ability and with gusto so that is exactly what I am trying to do.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
One of the best days of my mom's life..
My mom lived for the joy my son brought to her, no doubt about that. She had hoped for years to become a grandparent and finally got her wish with the birth of my little boy in August 2002. I found out about my pregnancy in late November 2001 and kept it a secret from my mom and just about everyone else until Christmas. Not telling my mom was very difficult for me but I knew she'd love my little holiday surprise so I kept it under wraps for nearly a month. She later told me it was her best Christmas present ever. I thought alot about that Christmas this year and couldn't help comparing how wonderful the holiday of that year was compared to the bleak one we all experienced this year. She was so excited and elated that she must have called at least ten of her closest friends from my house to tell them about the news. All evening long she kept coming up to me and touching my belly and hugging me, thanking me for this gift. That memory always makes me smile.
My mom was a huge part of my pregnancy and was always calling me to make sure I was taking care of myself, eating right, and getting enough rest. She counted down the weeks on a calendar and kept track of all my medical appointments, calling me from work on my cell phone sometimes even before I left the doctor's office. She went with me to help pick out gifts for my baby registry and was the person who spoiled both my son and I the most at my shower. She never really had much money in life but spent freely making sure her first grandchild had everything and even insisted on buying his crib. To say she was over the moon at the prospect of being a Nana is an understatement. She couldn't have been happier to be at the hospital the night he came into our lives and was on cloud nine the moment she saw his sweet face.
These pictures show the love she had for him at first sight..
My child was born with the reddest, most beautiful lips known to man. Now, naturally I am biased, but look at those.. my mom always said that the angels kissed him before they sent him to us. I love that thought.
My mom always loved this picture of Nick and I. I like it too because of how happy I look and I was. Happiness radiated from me for two important reasons: my healthy, beautiful boy was born, and I was heavily drugged. Being numb from the waist down following childbirth was a damn good thing, in my opinion.
I am so glad to have these pictures and the memories to help show Nick how much he was wanted and loved by all of us, especially her. Death is a hard concept for a typically developed child of six to grasp and with his disability its an even harder one to comprehend. I had prepared him for it as best as I could and tried to explain to him the night she passed how she was no longer in pain and was his angel now. I know he understands she is gone but believe the finality of it alludes him. I wish I could help him understand that better but since I am having a hard time dealing with and accepting that on my own, I think that is something we'll have to endure together.
My mom was a huge part of my pregnancy and was always calling me to make sure I was taking care of myself, eating right, and getting enough rest. She counted down the weeks on a calendar and kept track of all my medical appointments, calling me from work on my cell phone sometimes even before I left the doctor's office. She went with me to help pick out gifts for my baby registry and was the person who spoiled both my son and I the most at my shower. She never really had much money in life but spent freely making sure her first grandchild had everything and even insisted on buying his crib. To say she was over the moon at the prospect of being a Nana is an understatement. She couldn't have been happier to be at the hospital the night he came into our lives and was on cloud nine the moment she saw his sweet face.
These pictures show the love she had for him at first sight..
My child was born with the reddest, most beautiful lips known to man. Now, naturally I am biased, but look at those.. my mom always said that the angels kissed him before they sent him to us. I love that thought.
My mom always loved this picture of Nick and I. I like it too because of how happy I look and I was. Happiness radiated from me for two important reasons: my healthy, beautiful boy was born, and I was heavily drugged. Being numb from the waist down following childbirth was a damn good thing, in my opinion.
I am so glad to have these pictures and the memories to help show Nick how much he was wanted and loved by all of us, especially her. Death is a hard concept for a typically developed child of six to grasp and with his disability its an even harder one to comprehend. I had prepared him for it as best as I could and tried to explain to him the night she passed how she was no longer in pain and was his angel now. I know he understands she is gone but believe the finality of it alludes him. I wish I could help him understand that better but since I am having a hard time dealing with and accepting that on my own, I think that is something we'll have to endure together.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The things that made my mom happy...
I have decided to use some of the pictures I have to help tell stories about my mom. Part of this is because I really love talking about her to both people who knew her and some who never had that opportunity. Another reason is that I believe this will be cathartic for me.
Here are some things that always brought a smile to her face:
Naturally I will start with her beloved Nick. This was her absolute favorite picture of my boy. The expression on his face was just priceless, in her opinion. He was six weeks old and we had photographers come out to the house to take pictures. They interrupted his feeding time and he was seriously annoyed.. the look on his face definitely shows that!
My mom's passing robbed my nephew Christian of the chance to get to know her as my son did. That was a way of history repeating itself in our family as the same thing happened to my younger brother. He was only a month when our grandfather passed away. I was the fortunate one who got nearly 7 years of love and attention from the wonderful man. My mom kept her dad alive with stories and pictures of him to share with my brother. I know that Christian's daddy will do the same and so will his Auntie. This boy made my mom so happy and this picture shows it.
Next to her children and grandsons what brought my mom the most joy in life were her friends. She had many of them whose friendships with her lasted decades. Two of her oldest and dearest friends retired to Mexico back in 2004. My mom visited them four times, including a two week visit this past May, and loved it there. I'm not sure on which visit these pictures were taken but she looks amazing. Tan, healthy, and young.
My mom loved this bird so much. Bogey was his name and she adored every squawking moment of that birds existence. He passed away in the summer of 2006 during my mom's first battle with cancer. She was devastated and still talked about him until she passed away. I think this is a great picture and shows just how much she and her beloved cockatiel connected.
This was the prettiest corner of her beloved backyard. My mom loved this yard so much and put in many hours caring for it. She spent alot of time back there after she took a medical retirement and it was calming for her. There were many mornings that I would call her after Nick got off to school where she'd be outside "playing in the water", as she called it. She was always proud to show off all her hard work so I know she's smiling at me showing it here.
One of the things about my mom that resonates from looking at pictures of her favorite things in life is how she valued the simple and most important things; love, beauty, friendship, and family. She didn't care if you took her to a fancy restaurant, she cared about the company. She valued sincerity more than anything and took no guff from just about anyone. She spoke her mind and stood up for herself and anyone she loved with the fervor of a mama lion. I grew up thinking that we didn't have much in common but as I aged I began to see many similarities between us. I hope so because it's an honor to continue those patterns of behavior and to value what's most important as she did.
Here are some things that always brought a smile to her face:
Naturally I will start with her beloved Nick. This was her absolute favorite picture of my boy. The expression on his face was just priceless, in her opinion. He was six weeks old and we had photographers come out to the house to take pictures. They interrupted his feeding time and he was seriously annoyed.. the look on his face definitely shows that!
My mom's passing robbed my nephew Christian of the chance to get to know her as my son did. That was a way of history repeating itself in our family as the same thing happened to my younger brother. He was only a month when our grandfather passed away. I was the fortunate one who got nearly 7 years of love and attention from the wonderful man. My mom kept her dad alive with stories and pictures of him to share with my brother. I know that Christian's daddy will do the same and so will his Auntie. This boy made my mom so happy and this picture shows it.
Next to her children and grandsons what brought my mom the most joy in life were her friends. She had many of them whose friendships with her lasted decades. Two of her oldest and dearest friends retired to Mexico back in 2004. My mom visited them four times, including a two week visit this past May, and loved it there. I'm not sure on which visit these pictures were taken but she looks amazing. Tan, healthy, and young.
My mom loved this bird so much. Bogey was his name and she adored every squawking moment of that birds existence. He passed away in the summer of 2006 during my mom's first battle with cancer. She was devastated and still talked about him until she passed away. I think this is a great picture and shows just how much she and her beloved cockatiel connected.
This was the prettiest corner of her beloved backyard. My mom loved this yard so much and put in many hours caring for it. She spent alot of time back there after she took a medical retirement and it was calming for her. There were many mornings that I would call her after Nick got off to school where she'd be outside "playing in the water", as she called it. She was always proud to show off all her hard work so I know she's smiling at me showing it here.
One of the things about my mom that resonates from looking at pictures of her favorite things in life is how she valued the simple and most important things; love, beauty, friendship, and family. She didn't care if you took her to a fancy restaurant, she cared about the company. She valued sincerity more than anything and took no guff from just about anyone. She spoke her mind and stood up for herself and anyone she loved with the fervor of a mama lion. I grew up thinking that we didn't have much in common but as I aged I began to see many similarities between us. I hope so because it's an honor to continue those patterns of behavior and to value what's most important as she did.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Nana's celebration of life
We had my mom's memorial on Friday, January 9th. That date was chosen because it was also her birthday.. she would have turned 56 that day. The gathering was exactly as she would have wanted it.. very low-key, informal, and filled with people having a nice time. I really did feel as if she was there with us that day. I made sure her wishes were kept; there was nothing formal or religious about the gathering. My mom wasn't an atheist by any means, she just didn't think a person needed organized religion in their lives and preferred to have a quieter walk with God. She had faith, I believe, but it was something she rarely spoke of. I think she was happy that everyone that cared about her respected her wishes as we did. I know I was.
Here are some pictures from that night:
My mom loved the theatre and for a while volunteered at the Old Eagle Theatre in Old Sacramento. These shirts were very special to her and were a reminder of how much fun she had with her friends while working there.
My mom loved this bag filled with pictures of her boo-boo, as she called my Nick
These beautiful flowers sat on a table with framed pics of my mom and son together, including ones of the night he was born.
My mother-in-law put together this beautiful picture board from the many pictures I gathered. The birthdate was incorrect but the board turned out wonderful. Thank you so much for that, Collette.
My brother Rich and I. I know our mom smiled when she saw us pose like this.
My sweet nephew Christian and I. He gave me a big, wet smooch right after this pic was taken. He is precious and I hope to help him grow up knowing just what a fabulous Nana he had.
Here are some pictures from that night:
My mom loved the theatre and for a while volunteered at the Old Eagle Theatre in Old Sacramento. These shirts were very special to her and were a reminder of how much fun she had with her friends while working there.
My mom loved this bag filled with pictures of her boo-boo, as she called my Nick
These beautiful flowers sat on a table with framed pics of my mom and son together, including ones of the night he was born.
My mother-in-law put together this beautiful picture board from the many pictures I gathered. The birthdate was incorrect but the board turned out wonderful. Thank you so much for that, Collette.
My brother Rich and I. I know our mom smiled when she saw us pose like this.
My sweet nephew Christian and I. He gave me a big, wet smooch right after this pic was taken. He is precious and I hope to help him grow up knowing just what a fabulous Nana he had.
Friday, January 2, 2009
What my mom wanted, part one
We set her free on New Year's Eve, three weeks after she passed on. Knowing my mom as well as I did, I'd have to say she was more than ready to be released at that point. She never did like confines of any kind. A portion of her ashes are still with me waiting to be taken to Mexico where her closest friends will scatter them. It will make her happy to be there, she loved visiting her friends there and now she'll always be there with them.
There is a comical story surrounding the scattering of her ashes, or in this case I'd have to call it the dumping over of them. Her best friends oldest daughter was the first person who took the ashes out of the bag and walked towards the surf. She made the mistake of turning her back on the waves and when she did a large wave come upon her, knocking her over. When she got back up, covered in that cold sea water, the bag of ashes fell over. Now, like I said, I know my mom.. she totally had a hand in that.. she was never one to be completely solemn in any situation and she most likely was impatient to be out of that bag at that point. Poor Melissa was the one who had to pay the price, being drenched in the process, but the end result was that she was free. My mom most likely knew that if I had to touch her ashes and dispense of them I would be an emotional mess. This way it was quick and easy and she was out of that confine.
It took me about 2 seconds to get over my initial sadness at how that happened. After that I just had to laugh. What else can you do at that point? She was laughing, I know. One thing about my mom was she really did have a wicked sense of humor and she may have felt badly for poor Melissa but would've laughed all the same. What happened really broke up the tension of the day and helped me feel as if my mom was truly there with us on that day's journey. The weather was chilly and the air was filled with mist but it was a beautiful day and going over to the coast and doing this for my mom was the only way I thought would be fitting to end the year.
After this episode was over with I kept walking down to the spot where her ashes fell out of the bag and talking to her. I told her how much we missed her but understand she is better off now and how we all love her. I asked her if she was now happy.. obviously I didn't expect an answer but I felt as if she was telling me one with the calmness and peace that I felt there.
The mist in the air had an adverse effect on my camera, making taking pictures there difficult. I managed to get this one of her urn sitting on the sand before her ashes were taken out of it.
I feel completely drawn to that beach where she was placed and cannot wait to get back there again. Luckily before we had the ashes mishap we took some of them out of the bag and set them aside to be sent down to her friends that live in Mexico. I will have the remaining bit of her until sometime next month when they'll be transported down there by a friend that lives here who'll be visiting down there. She is back on my fireplace mantle, next to the ashes of my sweet Gizmo. I think sending her ashes along their way will be difficult but I know I will still feel her. I always do and won't let myself forget just how good that feels.
I hope you're happy, Mom. Love you very, very much.
There is a comical story surrounding the scattering of her ashes, or in this case I'd have to call it the dumping over of them. Her best friends oldest daughter was the first person who took the ashes out of the bag and walked towards the surf. She made the mistake of turning her back on the waves and when she did a large wave come upon her, knocking her over. When she got back up, covered in that cold sea water, the bag of ashes fell over. Now, like I said, I know my mom.. she totally had a hand in that.. she was never one to be completely solemn in any situation and she most likely was impatient to be out of that bag at that point. Poor Melissa was the one who had to pay the price, being drenched in the process, but the end result was that she was free. My mom most likely knew that if I had to touch her ashes and dispense of them I would be an emotional mess. This way it was quick and easy and she was out of that confine.
It took me about 2 seconds to get over my initial sadness at how that happened. After that I just had to laugh. What else can you do at that point? She was laughing, I know. One thing about my mom was she really did have a wicked sense of humor and she may have felt badly for poor Melissa but would've laughed all the same. What happened really broke up the tension of the day and helped me feel as if my mom was truly there with us on that day's journey. The weather was chilly and the air was filled with mist but it was a beautiful day and going over to the coast and doing this for my mom was the only way I thought would be fitting to end the year.
After this episode was over with I kept walking down to the spot where her ashes fell out of the bag and talking to her. I told her how much we missed her but understand she is better off now and how we all love her. I asked her if she was now happy.. obviously I didn't expect an answer but I felt as if she was telling me one with the calmness and peace that I felt there.
The mist in the air had an adverse effect on my camera, making taking pictures there difficult. I managed to get this one of her urn sitting on the sand before her ashes were taken out of it.
I feel completely drawn to that beach where she was placed and cannot wait to get back there again. Luckily before we had the ashes mishap we took some of them out of the bag and set them aside to be sent down to her friends that live in Mexico. I will have the remaining bit of her until sometime next month when they'll be transported down there by a friend that lives here who'll be visiting down there. She is back on my fireplace mantle, next to the ashes of my sweet Gizmo. I think sending her ashes along their way will be difficult but I know I will still feel her. I always do and won't let myself forget just how good that feels.
I hope you're happy, Mom. Love you very, very much.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I don't know where to start with writing this blog entry.. I am usually pretty good with words, especially in the written form, but I have no words that will fully capture how I am feeling at this moment and how I've felt these past few weeks so I will just start by talking about what has happened and see if the words follow..
My mom lost her brave battle with cancer on Wednesday, December 10th. She fought it so hard and was the only battle in her life that she couldn't win. I have never before known a stronger, tougher woman and I am even more impressed by those qualities now after seeing how they carried her through her war against that awful disease. She entered hospice care the week before and lasted six days with her systems failing. She was a trooper to the very end and still showed the spunk that defined her until the day she died. Each day that she lived with her body giving out was worse than the previous one, for sure. I had always seen my mom as force bigger than life and to see her battling against cancer and wanting an end to her suffering was the worst thing I have ever seen witnessed. I had hoped to be there when she passed but she had other plans apparently. I was the only person who was closest to her at the time of her death to not be present in her house when she went home. It is clear to me that she didn't wish for me to be there. I rushed over there when I heard and it was such an odd experience to see her finally at peace and without pain.. I could characterize seeing that as beautiful but at the same time the hardest sight I have ever seen. Hard because seeing that meant she was truly gone. It literally broke my heart to see that and I know that I will never be the same. I miss her.. the person who existed before cancer came to eat at her insides, so very much and I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Not for me or anyone else who truly loved her.
My mom gave very specific instructions as to how she wished for a non-religious ceremony that celebrates her life and only touches on her passing. She chose to be cremated and wished for her most of her ashes to be placed in a body of water and another portion sent to her friends who live in Mexico for them to place in the sea of Cortez. She had never lived her life as a kept woman, she said, and didn't wish to remain in an urn to be kept here. As her daughter and the person she entrusted with this task, I will make sure all of her wishes are carried out per her instructions. I picked up her ashes on Christmas Eve and a group of us will be taking them over to Bodega Bay on New Year's Eve to set her free.
All of this - witnessing her suffer, having her leave, getting her ashes back - everything, just doesn't seem real to me most of the time. Going over to her house is very odd for me. I halfway expect to see her sitting in her comfy chair watching TV and getting excited to see me and my son. Before she passed she wrote a letter to us to have as a reminder of how much love she carried. She told me of her great joy in watching me with Nick. I used to catch her looking at the two of us and the look on her face always brought me such happiness and peace. I was so touched to have her tell me from beyond how much she enjoyed that. I know that letter was hard for her to write, especially the part directed at her Nick. She loved that child as much as I do and made sure to tell him that dying is the only way she would have ever left him.. she lived for that boy from the moment she knew of his pending arrival to the moment she left this Earth. He held her heart and she said that having him come into her life as her grandson completed her. What a gift for him to have, huh? To have two people on this planet feel the same way.. I will make sure he grows up knowing this and understands just how hard she fought to stay with him.
This is just an outline of all I wish to say about my mom. There are so many other things I will be adding to this; stories, pictures, and details of how we're all going to learn to live without her in our lives. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me and been there for me during this. You all know who you are and know that I am appreciative of the cards, phone calls, e-mails, and IM's you've sent me. Thank you and and I love you all.
My mom lost her brave battle with cancer on Wednesday, December 10th. She fought it so hard and was the only battle in her life that she couldn't win. I have never before known a stronger, tougher woman and I am even more impressed by those qualities now after seeing how they carried her through her war against that awful disease. She entered hospice care the week before and lasted six days with her systems failing. She was a trooper to the very end and still showed the spunk that defined her until the day she died. Each day that she lived with her body giving out was worse than the previous one, for sure. I had always seen my mom as force bigger than life and to see her battling against cancer and wanting an end to her suffering was the worst thing I have ever seen witnessed. I had hoped to be there when she passed but she had other plans apparently. I was the only person who was closest to her at the time of her death to not be present in her house when she went home. It is clear to me that she didn't wish for me to be there. I rushed over there when I heard and it was such an odd experience to see her finally at peace and without pain.. I could characterize seeing that as beautiful but at the same time the hardest sight I have ever seen. Hard because seeing that meant she was truly gone. It literally broke my heart to see that and I know that I will never be the same. I miss her.. the person who existed before cancer came to eat at her insides, so very much and I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Not for me or anyone else who truly loved her.
My mom gave very specific instructions as to how she wished for a non-religious ceremony that celebrates her life and only touches on her passing. She chose to be cremated and wished for her most of her ashes to be placed in a body of water and another portion sent to her friends who live in Mexico for them to place in the sea of Cortez. She had never lived her life as a kept woman, she said, and didn't wish to remain in an urn to be kept here. As her daughter and the person she entrusted with this task, I will make sure all of her wishes are carried out per her instructions. I picked up her ashes on Christmas Eve and a group of us will be taking them over to Bodega Bay on New Year's Eve to set her free.
All of this - witnessing her suffer, having her leave, getting her ashes back - everything, just doesn't seem real to me most of the time. Going over to her house is very odd for me. I halfway expect to see her sitting in her comfy chair watching TV and getting excited to see me and my son. Before she passed she wrote a letter to us to have as a reminder of how much love she carried. She told me of her great joy in watching me with Nick. I used to catch her looking at the two of us and the look on her face always brought me such happiness and peace. I was so touched to have her tell me from beyond how much she enjoyed that. I know that letter was hard for her to write, especially the part directed at her Nick. She loved that child as much as I do and made sure to tell him that dying is the only way she would have ever left him.. she lived for that boy from the moment she knew of his pending arrival to the moment she left this Earth. He held her heart and she said that having him come into her life as her grandson completed her. What a gift for him to have, huh? To have two people on this planet feel the same way.. I will make sure he grows up knowing this and understands just how hard she fought to stay with him.
This is just an outline of all I wish to say about my mom. There are so many other things I will be adding to this; stories, pictures, and details of how we're all going to learn to live without her in our lives. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me and been there for me during this. You all know who you are and know that I am appreciative of the cards, phone calls, e-mails, and IM's you've sent me. Thank you and and I love you all.
Monday, December 1, 2008
What a month November was...
I would have to say that the whole month of November was pretty much a blur, even though it just technically ended. Nick was off school and not happy about it one bit and my mom's health took a major decline. She began getting weaker during the first part of the month and spent 5 days in the hospital this past week. The pain has become much more constant and it isn't even taken away by the massive amounts of pain medications she is on. The scans done this past week showed blood clots in both her heart and in her leg. Her prognosis is grim, to say the least. She has wisely decided to end chemotherapy treatment and focus on pain management. Hospice has been called in and medical supplies have been delivered to her house.
Seeing her suffering like this is excruiciating and the feeling of helplessness is really overwhelming. I have never before seen a person suffer and it is truly an awful sight. I wouldn't wish what she is going through on anybody. A friend of mine who has an amazing, poetic way with words once said to me regarding people with terminal illnesses, my mom in particular, that we have not only consideration for such warriors but admiration as well. A nice thing to say, don't you agree? Thanks for that, Alex. This is something I think of often and agree with wholeheartedly.
I am doing my very best to hold my emotions in around my mom. The problem is that she knows me far too well for me hide much. I just tend to avoid looking at her in the eye when something is beginning to upset me. If you know me you know that I have extremely expressive eyes; they give me away often and she doesn't need to see that from me. I am not always sucessful, mind you, but I try my damndest.
My son is now back in school as of this morning and he seems to be enjoying it. His teacher sent me a note saying that he had a good first day back at school. He thrives on routine and normalcy in his life and school is the best thing for him right now. Throughout the next days, weeks, and months I am going to strive to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy. He senses the stress I am under and how it's affecting him has been manisfested in his behavior. I am hoping the hours that he is away from me while he's in school will be good for him to be rid of that for that time. His teacher is aware of what is happening in our family now and is on the lookout for any behaviors that are out of the ordinary at school. My biggest concern is how my moms passing will affect him. I am trying to prepare him the best way I can and have received some valuable information from his therapy team as to how to talk him to regarding his Nana. As a parent I just wish to protect him from any possible hurt out there.. this type of hurt he and the rest of us will experience and are experiencing isn't the kind I can shield him from and that is possibly the hardest lesson that I will be left with.
Seeing her suffering like this is excruiciating and the feeling of helplessness is really overwhelming. I have never before seen a person suffer and it is truly an awful sight. I wouldn't wish what she is going through on anybody. A friend of mine who has an amazing, poetic way with words once said to me regarding people with terminal illnesses, my mom in particular, that we have not only consideration for such warriors but admiration as well. A nice thing to say, don't you agree? Thanks for that, Alex. This is something I think of often and agree with wholeheartedly.
I am doing my very best to hold my emotions in around my mom. The problem is that she knows me far too well for me hide much. I just tend to avoid looking at her in the eye when something is beginning to upset me. If you know me you know that I have extremely expressive eyes; they give me away often and she doesn't need to see that from me. I am not always sucessful, mind you, but I try my damndest.
My son is now back in school as of this morning and he seems to be enjoying it. His teacher sent me a note saying that he had a good first day back at school. He thrives on routine and normalcy in his life and school is the best thing for him right now. Throughout the next days, weeks, and months I am going to strive to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy. He senses the stress I am under and how it's affecting him has been manisfested in his behavior. I am hoping the hours that he is away from me while he's in school will be good for him to be rid of that for that time. His teacher is aware of what is happening in our family now and is on the lookout for any behaviors that are out of the ordinary at school. My biggest concern is how my moms passing will affect him. I am trying to prepare him the best way I can and have received some valuable information from his therapy team as to how to talk him to regarding his Nana. As a parent I just wish to protect him from any possible hurt out there.. this type of hurt he and the rest of us will experience and are experiencing isn't the kind I can shield him from and that is possibly the hardest lesson that I will be left with.
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