What a month November was...

I would have to say that the whole month of November was pretty much a blur, even though it just technically ended. Nick was off school and not happy about it one bit and my mom's health took a major decline. She began getting weaker during the first part of the month and spent 5 days in the hospital this past week. The pain has become much more constant and it isn't even taken away by the massive amounts of pain medications she is on. The scans done this past week showed blood clots in both her heart and in her leg. Her prognosis is grim, to say the least. She has wisely decided to end chemotherapy treatment and focus on pain management. Hospice has been called in and medical supplies have been delivered to her house.

Seeing her suffering like this is excruiciating and the feeling of helplessness is really overwhelming. I have never before seen a person suffer and it is truly an awful sight. I wouldn't wish what she is going through on anybody. A friend of mine who has an amazing, poetic way with words once said to me regarding people with terminal illnesses, my mom in particular, that we have not only consideration for such warriors but admiration as well. A nice thing to say, don't you agree? Thanks for that, Alex. This is something I think of often and agree with wholeheartedly.

I am doing my very best to hold my emotions in around my mom. The problem is that she knows me far too well for me hide much. I just tend to avoid looking at her in the eye when something is beginning to upset me. If you know me you know that I have extremely expressive eyes; they give me away often and she doesn't need to see that from me. I am not always sucessful, mind you, but I try my damndest.

My son is now back in school as of this morning and he seems to be enjoying it. His teacher sent me a note saying that he had a good first day back at school. He thrives on routine and normalcy in his life and school is the best thing for him right now. Throughout the next days, weeks, and months I am going to strive to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy. He senses the stress I am under and how it's affecting him has been manisfested in his behavior. I am hoping the hours that he is away from me while he's in school will be good for him to be rid of that for that time. His teacher is aware of what is happening in our family now and is on the lookout for any behaviors that are out of the ordinary at school. My biggest concern is how my moms passing will affect him. I am trying to prepare him the best way I can and have received some valuable information from his therapy team as to how to talk him to regarding his Nana. As a parent I just wish to protect him from any possible hurt out there.. this type of hurt he and the rest of us will experience and are experiencing isn't the kind I can shield him from and that is possibly the hardest lesson that I will be left with.