Long time, no blog..

It's been almost 4 weeks since I lasted gathered my thoughts and assembled them in some kind of coherent form that I could share here. Many, many things have happened in the meantime. I think I'll start with the good, bittersweet stuff. On Monday, August 13th, my baby turned 5 years old. I know every parent thinks this, but seriously.. how the hell did that happen? Wasn't he just born a while back? I really wasn't too sad that day like I had expected to be. We had his birthday party the following Saturday and it turned out to be a fun experience for all. Nick was given so many wonderful presents and it warmed my heart to see the people who came out to celebrate my boy's milestone birthday. Nick started his new school on August 20th and really seems to enjoy it. It's official, folks.. my baby isn't a baby anymore.

Now here's the hard part and quite possibly the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing that I've ever faced before.. my mom's cancer is terminal this time. She'll be leaving us long before she, or anyone of us, wants her to. It just doesn't seem right or fair that someone who fought so hard to get better and get her life back will not live long enough to see her beloved grandson grow up. That's the hardest part for me to deal with - the knowledge that this will affect my son like nothing ever has before. Nick lost his paternal grandpa earlier this year and that was a huge blow to him as well as us. Losing Grandpa and dealing with my mom's cancer returning has been very difficult for all of us to swallow. We all miss him terribly but know that he's in a better place and isn't suffering the way he did for so long. That knowledge helps us deal with him not being here but doesn't in any way take away the pain of his loss. I suspect that will be the same way when my mom loses her battle.

This has taken me so long to write about because I really don't know what to say about this. What I've been feeling in my heart and thinking in my head aren't things that are easy to express in words, or just not easy for me to do. I'm sad, bewildered, and even angry at times. I don't have a particular person or anything tangible who is deserving of my anger but it still comes in waves. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, just as my mom is doing. I want to smother her with love and not let her out of my sight the way that I'd like to do at all times with my child but I can't. She retires at the end of this week so I'll have time then to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm taking the advise of those who've dealt with this before and am trying to cherish the time we have left in every way that I can. A very wise person told me not to take the time that she's expected to be here with us for granted at all, and I surely won't. That's really good advise to follow with everyone but somehow it just doesn't always happen, does it? I'm as guilty of it as anyone else but my mom is one person who I can't do that with anymore. The one life lesson I hope will stay with me is to never do that again with anyone. That sounds corny, I know, but I know now how true that is.