A woman on the verge...

Of turning 40

My fortieth birthday is tomorrow and I am not as ambivilent about that coming milestone as I had thought I would be. Yes, 40 sounds old, even compared to 39 but it's not the end of the world. I am choosing to see my 40's as my prime. My mom had always said that life begins at that age. She was at a place at that age where both of her children were nearly grown - I was 23 and my brother was 17 - and she felt good about her place in her life. My child is far from grown and I see my life as work in progress. I like to think of how I viewed myself ten years ago when I was on the cusp of my thirties and compare that to how I see myself now. There is no question that I view myself and my life as a whole in a more favorable light. I see my thirties as the most tranistional decade of my life so far. Many changes happened during that time span and I feel as if I came into my own during that decade. I experienced the greatest joy of my life as well as the greatest sorrrow. Becoming a mom was obviously the high point and losing my own took any sorrow I had felt before to a new depth.


The biggest reason for this personal growth is that my 30's ushered me into my most special period thus far - motherhood. Becoming a mom made me not only realize my womanhood but wish to celebrate it as well. I had a renewed respect for what my body was able to do, even though women have been doing that for eons. For me it was a unique experience that made me feel more like a woman than I had ever felt before. That feeling continued for me even after having my baby. I really think that motherhood made me complete. That is not to say that a woman needs to be a mother to feel that way; I am only saying that it helped fulfill me that way. Before then I wondered exactly what my purpose was - with having Nick I finally knew and felt like I had contributed something worthwile to not only my life but everyone around me.

What will my 40's bring?? Who knows.. but I can say this - I am ready for whatever life throws my way. Even though I often feel weak I know I am stronger than I have ever been. I am entering my first decade without the person who has always been there for me yet I don't feel as alone as I had thought I would. She's still with me, just not physically here. I am sad that she's not here to celebrate my birthday with me, but she is with me.