My other child

I've often spoke of my love for my son, Nicholas. What I've yet to go on and on about is the deep love I have for my other child, my dog Gizmo. In my heart I see him as my first baby. I've had him since he was two months old and he's now fifteen. He's had many health problems as of late and I fear that he's in the home stretch of his time with us. Sure, I'm sad about it and I know that I'll miss him like crazy but all I can think about is how incredibly lucky we are to have had him this long. I so hope that I can continue with that line of thinking and concentrate on that fact once he's gone. What he's given me has been far and above all that I've done to care for him, that I know. He's just such a sweetheart and a dog that nearly everyone adores once they're fortunate enough to meet him.

It's hard for me to believe that we've had him that long. Sometimes I don't remember what life was like before he came along. Before I found him I really wasn't much of a dog person. I didn't dislike them but I wasn't too crazy about having them around all the time. Now I adore most dogs and can't imagine not having one. But I can't see myself running out to get another once Gizzy passes. He's irreplaceable and it will be a long while until I let another animal into my heart the way I've done with him.

Isn't he handsome??




To any of you that are reading this and know me, please do me a favor. Remind me of my pledge to mostly concentrate on how good and long his life was once he's gone. That is my intention but I'm afraid I'll merely wallow in the fact that he's not physically here anymore.

I know I'm lucky to have had him this long.. I think I should write that 500 times in a row if I'm guilty of going against what I truly intend to do. Hold me to it, will ya?

Long time, no blog..

It's been almost 4 weeks since I lasted gathered my thoughts and assembled them in some kind of coherent form that I could share here. Many, many things have happened in the meantime. I think I'll start with the good, bittersweet stuff. On Monday, August 13th, my baby turned 5 years old. I know every parent thinks this, but seriously.. how the hell did that happen? Wasn't he just born a while back? I really wasn't too sad that day like I had expected to be. We had his birthday party the following Saturday and it turned out to be a fun experience for all. Nick was given so many wonderful presents and it warmed my heart to see the people who came out to celebrate my boy's milestone birthday. Nick started his new school on August 20th and really seems to enjoy it. It's official, folks.. my baby isn't a baby anymore.

Now here's the hard part and quite possibly the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing that I've ever faced before.. my mom's cancer is terminal this time. She'll be leaving us long before she, or anyone of us, wants her to. It just doesn't seem right or fair that someone who fought so hard to get better and get her life back will not live long enough to see her beloved grandson grow up. That's the hardest part for me to deal with - the knowledge that this will affect my son like nothing ever has before. Nick lost his paternal grandpa earlier this year and that was a huge blow to him as well as us. Losing Grandpa and dealing with my mom's cancer returning has been very difficult for all of us to swallow. We all miss him terribly but know that he's in a better place and isn't suffering the way he did for so long. That knowledge helps us deal with him not being here but doesn't in any way take away the pain of his loss. I suspect that will be the same way when my mom loses her battle.

This has taken me so long to write about because I really don't know what to say about this. What I've been feeling in my heart and thinking in my head aren't things that are easy to express in words, or just not easy for me to do. I'm sad, bewildered, and even angry at times. I don't have a particular person or anything tangible who is deserving of my anger but it still comes in waves. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, just as my mom is doing. I want to smother her with love and not let her out of my sight the way that I'd like to do at all times with my child but I can't. She retires at the end of this week so I'll have time then to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm taking the advise of those who've dealt with this before and am trying to cherish the time we have left in every way that I can. A very wise person told me not to take the time that she's expected to be here with us for granted at all, and I surely won't. That's really good advise to follow with everyone but somehow it just doesn't always happen, does it? I'm as guilty of it as anyone else but my mom is one person who I can't do that with anymore. The one life lesson I hope will stay with me is to never do that again with anyone. That sounds corny, I know, but I know now how true that is.

The monkey on Nick's back..

Sometime last month I found an adorable harness for Nick to wear while we're out and about. I found it online and they had it available at Walmart. It's a combination harness and backpack that has a monkey on it. Ever since Nick was in utero I've called him my little monkey. My child has never been one to sit still, even while he was in the cramped space of my uterus that he called home. I used to joke that he appeared to be trying to swing from the trees while in there. That's where the nickname of monkey came about.

The harness works like a charm keeping him with me, I'm happy to report. I took him to a cool kids amusement park while he was wearing it and he seemed to like it. He didn't want me to remove it when we got home! He loves it so much that he often wants to wear it to just hang around the house.

I'm so happy I found it.. it makes him happy to wear it and gives me a sense of relief knowing that with it I can keep him next to me where he belongs.

The sweetness of that smile...

My son's face and the incredible smile that emits from it never fails to soothe me or pick me up when I'm down. I'm going to have to rely even more heavily on the joy he brings to me to help me deal with things yet again. The news we received about my mom yesterday wasn't very good. She's going to have to go through treatments yet again to battle what's grown inside her. This breaks my heart because she's already been through so much, but she has to deal with it and fight. She's a fighter by nature and will get through this. More than anything my mom will need her boy to get through this. Nick and his nana are so lucky to have each other. I feel privileged that I can just sit there and witness the love between them. This helps reaffirm my opinion that having my son was the best thing that I have ever done... I know how much just his presence has enriched the lives of my husband and myself. It makes me so happy to see how much he's touched everyone else.

Update on my mom and my little school boy..

My mom finally was given an appointment to see a specialist. She goes on Monday and I'm planning to go with her. She also has an appointment today for another CT scan. The last one they performed on her, sometime last month, showed a shadowy area near her lung. Her doctor didn't think much of it because it appeared to her to be nothing more than a shadow. But, to be on the safe side, they're doing another scan on her as I sit here typing. She'll know more about the results of that test sometime next week. Waiting really, really sucks, for lack of a better word. Monday is still 4 days away -- yuck. I may appear to be a patient person but I hide how completely impatient I am very well. People often remark how calm I am while dealing with people who clearly are patience zappingly annoying.. if they only knew what's going on inside they'd be shocked..

Nick's doing really well being back at school. He clearly enjoys it and gets so much from it. He gets into such a routine when going to school that he's often sad when Fridays roll around and he doesn't have school that day. He seems to understand the routine of the weekends - his nana cares for him on Saturdays and he spends Sundays at home hanging out with his daddy. Fridays sometimes throw him for a loop. When he starts into his new program in late August he'll be going to school on Fridays as well -- that'll make him happy. Personally I love our Fridays together. Sure, I don't get much done around here but it's our relaxing day. I work Friday evenings and Saturday and Sunday during the day so the mommy son day we get on Fridays are special to me. We usually hang out at home in the morning and then go out to lunch together and try to do something fun, like going to a park.

It looks like I'm the one who'll have some adjusting to do when he starts going on Fridays.. Nick will be fine, he always is, thankfully.

Back to school

This morning Nick started back to school. He was so cute about it as well. I made his lunch and set his backpack out on the counter while he was watching cartoons. When he saw it he smiled and jumped up and grabbed both of them in anticipation. He even wanted to hold both of them while I was helping him get dressed!

Here's my big boy (sniff..sniff)




Right now I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. I plan to rest at home for a while then go to Borders and then go treat myself to a nice, quiet lunch. That's my idea of pampering. I deserve it so I plan on taking advantage of my down time when I have it. Naturally I'm thinking of my boy and hoping that he's having a good day back at school. Three more hours and I'll be able to find out how it went.. In the meantime four words apply to me: I.have.free.time.

:)

Busy week...

This past week was a busy one for my whole family. Last Sunday we headed over to Bodega Bay to camp for a few days. When I say camping I refer to my version of it.. sleeping in a 5th wheel trailer with bathrooms and showers nearby. In my minds eye there just isn't any other acceptable way. I'm definitely not a roughin' it kinda girl. This was the first time that myself and my immediate family - husband, child, and dog - went on this type of venture without anyone else along. We had a really nice, relaxing time. We stayed there for 2 nights and had a nice campfire the last night. My son loves the texture of sand so he had a wonderful time just hanging out in the sand at the beach.

Here's the boy just chillin' in the chilly ass weather. It didn't get any higher than the mid 60's while we were there...



The big hole my boys dug..






The week started out so nice and peaceful with our little get away. We came back Tuesday afternoon and settled back into the routines we have. Wednesday my son had the first of two assessments with his new in-home therapy company. They'll work with us on teaching him daily living skills that will give him more independence and boost his confidence and will provide more support for Nick as well as the rest of our family. The type of therapy that he'll be receiving, ABA (applied behavior analysis), is the only proven method for tackling the many behavior problems associated with kids on the spectrum. His school addresses them in that setting and the in-home helps build on what's learned at school as well as supporting the parents in helping to keep the methods consistent. The lady who came to work with him was very nice and Nick really seemed to like her. She'll function as the boss of the team that will assigned to Nick and will do some one-on-one with him as well. The amount of hours that they will be working with him will depend on his school schedule. When Nick goes back to school on Monday he'll continue with his present teacher and will then transition into a different school setting that hopefully will allow him to receive the help he needs. I'm very anxious to know more about the new type of class setting. Since it's July and most of the district is still on break I'll have to wait until sometime next week to sit down with the person in charge of supervising the special ed department. She'll give me a better idea of what's in store for Nick. I don't anticipate many hours of the therapy in the home setting, but I know how every little bit helps. That's why I fought to get it for him.

Also on Wednesday my mom had a doctor's appointment. Last year she battled bladder cancer and came through like the fighter she is. She handled chemotherapy and the recovery following her surgery so well it amazed me and gave me a new found respect for her strength. She just recently found another lump and will have to have that biopsied sometime in the next week or so. She admitted to me that she does believe that it is cancer. I so hope she's wrong. She's been through so much already.. it seems cruel to me that she could potentially have to battle it again so soon. Battle it she will, I know that. She's as madly in love with my son as my husband and I are - there's no way she'll give up and lie down and take this. She's determined to stick around to see her boo-boo, as she calls Nick, grow up. She also has a new grandchild coming in February when my brother's wife is scheduled to give birth to their first child.

The best thing that happened this past week was that I finally made some money doing what I've been trying to do for a while. Last October I got my certification to work as a loan officer. I'm dying to try something new and since working with home loans has a great amount of time flexibility as well as the potential ability to make more money than my present job, I decided to try it. The money I made working on this loan means so much to me. Not only do we need it financially, I needed it personally. It gave me a nice sense of accomplishment that's been lacking in me for a long time. I had always worked pretty much full-time since Nick was about a year old. During his first year I stayed home as much as possible, working about as much as I do now. I had to seriously modify my schedule when he first started having therapy in the home. I worked around the therapy as much as I could, but the amount of hours were no where near to what I worked before. Hopefully this will enable me to be able to do both -- be there for my child and contribute.