All about my two new babies..

Meet our new puppies - Max and Abby









Max is a sweet little noisemaker. He was super quiet at first but once in his comfort zone showed himself to be a little yapper. He loves to run around and chase the outdoor cat we have as well as his sister. He had worms when we got him but responded nicely to the treatment the vet gave him and appears to be free of them now. He plays very rough with Abby but also is as sweet as he can be with her at times. He has an awesome appetite and has begun to grow in length and fill out a bit since coming to us. When we got him he weighed in at 4.4 lbs and the vet thought that he'd most likely grow to double that weight. He's a sweetheart and is such a cuddler. I love my little Max :)




Abby is becoming a total mama's girl. She follows me around and is always trying to get the closest to me when I am laying down with both her and her brother. Yesterday she even bit Max on the ear to get the spot she had designated as hers. She is very tiny and delicate but nobody should be fooled by her appearance - she is perfectly capable of taking the rough-housing that Max dishes out and will often launch another attack on him he stops to rest. She was a couple ounces smaller than her brother when weighed at the vet the day we got her and is growing nicely as well. I love my sweet little girl :)

Oh, the joys of having a puppy (or in our case, puppies) again! These guys are somewhere in the neighborhood of three months old and we're not exactly sure what they are mixed with. Max's appearance looks like a cross between dachshund and mini-Doberman pincher with some chihuahua thrown in and Abby doesn't appear to have any of the pincher in her at all. They definitely keep us our toes and have become a part of our household in a pretty quick and easy fashion. They have endeared themselves pretty quickly to all who've met them and even have bonded with Nick in a way that I hadn't expected. Both puppies are fascinated by him and often follow him around the house and the backyard. He interacts with them far more than he has with other animals and that's so much fun to see. I had been worried that he would feel slighted or pushed off to the side by these guys but he seems to be just going with the flow and accepting them and all the attention they are getting.

Two weeks ago I didn't even know these two existed and now I am totally crazy about them. They came into our lives through chance and have completely changed the dynamics of our home. I had began to think about getting another dog and somehow that became two. My good friend Amber found them and knew they were for us. It was total fate and I am so grateful she happened to be in the right place for us to meet these guys. She had been trying to convince me for years to get another dog and was so excited when I told her that I had thought I was finally ready. It took me a long time to get to that point, just over three years as a matter of fact. Our previous pet, our mixed doxie Gizmo, was far more than a dog to me. I had him for over 15 years and felt like I was losing a blood family member when he passed. I never really had a time frame in mind as to when I would even begin to think about getting another dog, I just knew that it would take a while before I could even think of it. I didn't want to try to replace him in anyway and knew those would be tough shoes to fill as well. The way I had thought about it is that I had to get to a place where I wanted another dog, not another Gizmo, if that makes any sense. I don't expect either of these puppies to be him in any fashion and that's good because they won't.

Here's a video of their antics, with Nick enjoying the show.



I feel so lucky to have them and hope they're with us for a long time. Thanks again, Ambie, for being in the right place at the right time.

Birthday Boy

It's hard to believe but today is the day of my sweet little boy's 8th birthday. The old adage about time flying is so true and time seems to pass even quicker when you're witnessing a child grow. Sometimes when I am feeling nostalgic for the baby days of the past I close my eyes and relive the first time I saw his little face. I remember looking down when he was handed to me and seeing in the crook of my right arm the sweetest face with the most prominent red lips I had ever seen on a newborn baby. I recall not being able to stop staring at those lips and being fascinated by the softness of his skin, especially on his chubby cheeks. He has mesmerized me since..

Nick isn't your average child but I honestly wouldn't trade who he is for a typically developed one. He is who is and I accept him. I wish communication was easier for him, not for my own needs. He tries and I salute his attempts. Do I hope he will be able to talk more as the years go on? Sure, but if he doesn't I will still love and accept him as I do now. He is a very sensitive, kind boy and his sweet spirit is what sets him apart from others. He has great instincts with people..he seems to have a innate understanding of the needs of others. I can't count how many times he has lifted me up without me showing I needed that kind of support. There was one incident recently when I was having a rough day that really illustrates his sweet side.. I was sitting on the floor in the living room and he came in and took me by the hand, had me sit on the couch so we were eye-to-eye and kissed my forehead. He just knew I was having a bad day and that was his ways of showing his love and concern for me. Seriously, it just doesn't get better than that, folks.

On the last day of school Nick was given a speech devise on loan from his school district. It has a series of panels where PECS (picture exchange communication system) cards are placed. I recorded my voice in each spot so he can use them to indicate what he wants or make a sentence. There is an "I want" PEC on each grid of the machine and he can then use that plus the item that he does want to let us know what he's wanting or needs at that moment. One night I went out to the store for a few minutes and he stayed home with his daddy. For some reason when I left it really bothered him and he cried the whole time. He was asked what he wanted and he grabbed the devise and used it to say " I want more mommy". Naturally I dissolved to tears when I got home and heard that.

Since giving birth to him my life has changed in so many ways.. some good, others not, but the best thing about these past 8 years has been having Nick in my life. He requires major dedication and devotion but none of that has been difficult for me to summon up. He didn't ask to be born nor did he ask to be afflicted with his disorder. I chose to have him and now I owe it to him to do whatever it takes to further his chances of having the best life he can have. He faces challenges each day that I know nothing about and cannot really even relate to. All I can do is my best to help him through those obstacles and be the best I can be for him. He deserves nothing less than that and everything else I can give as well.

He is still asleep but I can't wait until he wakes up so I can smother him with kisses and hugs. Sometimes I still try to put him in the crook of my arm where I first saw him. Naturally he no longer fits but looking down at him in that spot brings me back to the first time I saw him there. I loved him then and I love him about a million times more today.

Happy birthday to my sweet bubba boy

About the boy..

The last six months have been ones of incredible growth and change for him. Size-wise he's changed so much. He's grown about two inches since the beginning of the year and his once rail-thin little body has begun to fill out a bit also. Vocal ability still eludes him for the most part but he tries so hard each day. The inability to express himself does have a tendency to be expressed in ways that are disruptive at times - tantrums, crying, and things of that nature. These outbursts are hard to handle but very understandable. But.. being the parent I cannot allow him to just vent whenever he wants to. I wish I could say I understand how he does feel but I don't. I have never had the inability to express myself and that is something he deals with constantly. There are times that I would just love to be able to climb inside of his brain for a day and see things in the manner he does. I know that's not possible, but it's definitely something I would do if I could. I often wonder how much doing that would change my perspective on the world around us since I would be seeing things the same things he sees. So many questions come to mind when I think of doing that - would the colors I see somehow be sharper? would sounds appear to be louder? how frustrated would I be to not be able to speak when nearly everyone around me does on a regular basis? I have so many questions and really would give just about anything to be able to understand my child better.

I love to watch him when he isn't aware I am doing so and see how he observes his surroundings. He really fascinates me and I try to see things the way he does with those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. Everything seems to fascinate him and he has many interests. I still am waiting to see what special gift he was blessed with. Many people on the spectrum have something that they are able to do that sets them apart from others. For a while I was convinced that his had to do with numbers; they interested him and amused him as well. His love of the written word in any form has been one constant in his life since he was a baby. Like his mom he adores books and almost always has one or more near him. He really loves the grocery ads as well. Nothing makes him happier than scattering them across the kitchen table and pointing out to me what he likes or having me tell him what the items are. He can also identify things when I ask them what they are with amazing accuracy. Taking him out to places like stores and restaurants can be dicey situations as I never know if something will upset him or his mood will change to the point that being out in public isn't a fun option for either of us or the people we might be around. I still plug away and take him out despite this though. I honestly think that I'd be doing him a disservice if I didn't. He has the same rights as anyone else to be out there.. if he acts up I do my best to take him out of the environment as quickly as possible. I think if I were to avoid taking him out that would send the message to others, and perhaps even Nick, that I am using the fact that there are times when it really is very hard to do that, as an excuse not to. So what if it can be difficult? He's worth all the effort it takes to do anything with and for.. it's as simple as that. Sad to me that others don't seem to get that but that is just how it is.

Nick still shows in some ways that he is still feeling the loss of my mom. The summer she was diagnosed as terminal she made a bear for him at Build-A-Bear that she recorded her voice in for him. I keep the bear on a high shelf but Nick will get down the bear from time to time and cuddle with it, pushing it to hear her voice. My mom was the type of person who helped keep Hallmark in business as she bought cards for nearly every occasion. There is a Halloween card she gave him back in '05 that he seems to really love. He carries it around sometimes and points to her writing, sometimes saying "na" when he does. My mom always did say that he will probably read before he can talk and maybe she was correct. Looking at pictures of her tends to evoke varied responses, depending on his mood it appears. There was one picture in the hallway of her and I that he keep turning over. The area is full of pictures of him and his family but that one particular one was the only one that he would mess with. I'd turn it right-side up and he would do the same thing. Finally he threw it down one day and I asked him if seeing that there upset him and he replied "yes". I had figured that it did bother him by the way he was acting towards it.. I just really wanted him to communicate to me that fact. I'm not sure why that picture of her and I upset him so much but I was glad he was able to convey to me that it did. I often wonder if he feels loss on a different level than the rest of us. The night she passed he was very intuned with me and seemed to know she was gone before I could even tell him. He kept stroking my cheek as I was speaking to him about it and looked me intently in the eyes as well. He is the master of non-verbal communication in my opinion.

I wish I had some insight as to what his future holds, but does any parent really know what is in store for their child? You just do your very best to give them what they need to succeed, teach them the differences between right and wrong, and give them all the love and support they need. Parents of children with special needs are really no different in that respect. What sets us apart from parents of typically developed kids is that we do have to sit back and see our kids struggle more than some other parents witness. That being said I still wouldn't trade any aspect of Nick for a child with more abilities. He is perfect the way he is. Thank God for him.

Last post of the year.. and decade.

I find it so hard to believe that the first decade of the 21st century is about to be over with. All New Year's eves find me being very introspective and thinking of the year that's about to end and this one isn't an exception. The big difference is that I am thinking of the decade gone by as well and how much changed in that time span. I've had loved ones come and go, became a parent, a homeowner, and feel as if I am come into my own. In short -- I grew up.

The years 2007-2009 were, without a doubt, the hardest ones for me and the people I love. Many changes, sorrow, hardship, and struggles characterize those years. I am an optomist.. I believe that things will turn around. If I didn't have that mindset I don't know how I'd face the future. I believe that my child will continue to flourish in his therapies and rise to the level that is possible for him to function independantly in society. I never let myself think of things being any other way. My hopes may not come true but they won't for a lack of faith on my part in his ability to do so. He's amazing, brilliant, and so very capable of so much more than he shows at this point. He's simply the best and truly the best thing to not only happen to me in this past decade but my whole life. I'm a lucky mama.

As far as the sad things that happened this past decade - the loss of my mom, dog, and father-in-law.. well, those still sting and always will, I am sure. To deal with those blows I tend to think often of just how lucky I was to have them in my life in the first place. It's that type of thinking that allows me to cope with the pain of losing someone. The facts of life, like death itself, may rob us of the people we love but nothing can erase good memories.

Here's to hoping that the next decade brings joy, happiness, and much less strife to my life and those around me.

Happy New Year :)

About my mom..

Try as I may I cannot sum up my mom in a few sentences or by using some of the common adjectives that one usually uses to describe someone that they love. To me my mom was more than the sum of her parts and was a force of nature. I believe I have already used that expression to describe her and it really does or did fit. One of the hardest parts of losing her is remembering to use the past tense while describing her. I still find myself using the present tense alot and I am sure that's very common.

Like most of us my mom was on a quest her whole life to find love. She never really felt it from her own mother so she chose - yes, chose - to become a mother at a very young age. She believed that by having me she could create a person who would always love her and help fill the empty void that was inside her. To say she had bad luck with men was an understatement. I like to think of it this way.. my mom was blessed with two great males in her life.. her father and my son. One way to see it is that her life was bookended by the presence of those two great guys. She began her life with my sweet grandpa who was devoted to her and ended it with my son who felt the same about his Nana. My grandpa was one of the most wonderful, kind, caring men to have ever lived and well, the little man who brought her so much joy at the end is pretty damn great as well.

One of my most favorite things about my mom was the simple fact that she was completely incapable of being phony and hated any bullshit of any kind. She was honest with her emotions but had tact and never wielded her words as weapons as some do. You always knew where you stood with her - I think anyone who knew her would agree with me on that. She hated pretense with a passion and was open to all types of people.

To my mom her friends were as important as family. She didn't grow up close to her only sibling, my uncle Frank, but they later developed a loving relationship. The friends she was fortunate to collect over the years became the family she wasn't close to. Just this past week I have received a few phone calls from the people who were close to her for many years and stayed loyal until the end. One thing about my mom that shows quite a bit about her character is the fact that she wasn't a fair weather friend to those in her life. If she loved you, you knew it and she was the type who would back you to the wall and unleash her claws on those who tried to cause her loved ones harm. When I was a little girl I used to think she placed too much emphasis on her friends, but as I grew up I understood that it was her friends who sustained her when life threw many challenges her way. She had it very rough as a single mom to my brother and I and if it wasn't for the people who rallied around her she may have crumbled under the pressure.

I know I have spoken at length about how much my child meant to my mom and it's so very true. She had wanted to become a grandparent for many years and was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Although we had had our disagreements in the past my son coming along mended all those fences and bound us together. She was so involved in every aspect of my pregnancy yet did it in the most respectable, non-intrusive way possible. She was understanding of my decision to not have family present in the delivery room and never pressured me to change my mind. My mom was just like that.. very accepting and had the best habit of letting me make my own decision without over-stepping any boundaries with me. I was the same with her.. if she wanted to tell me something, she would. I always knew she had her reasons if she chose to not share something with me and I never felt slighted. You know the expression that women often turn into their mothers? Well, I can see shades of my mom in me, for sure. I had seen them before she passed but even more so in the year since.

This whole week leading up to the anniversary of her passing has been a hard one for me. I keep thinking of how she was a year ago and so close to death. A year ago all she wished for was to free of her pain - she even said that out loud. She was ready to die and end that suffering that plagued her. When she did die I felt some relief but a year later that is magnified. I understand that was keeping me from feeling total relief then was my own selfish feelings of loss. I don't knock myself for them because I think that's a natural reaction when you lose someone. You wonder how you'll make it without them and what your life will look and feel like without them around. I did that and sometimes I still do wonder what my life will be like while I am continuing to learn to live without her. If I had to describe to someone what it has felt for me without her the best I could do is to liken it to jumping out of an airplane and not knowing for sure if your parachute will work. I've had moments where I felt like I was free falling and wasn't sure if anyone else could catch me. That's not to put down the people that are in my life that provide me with love and support at all.. it's just that nobody did that like my mom and I highly doubt anyone could ever again.

One thing that makes me both laugh and cry a bit is when I think of all the things she said to me in the morphine induced state she was in for the last week of her life. She and I had some wonderful bonding moments those last few days, particularly when nobody else was there and I was sitting at her bedside. She never lost her spunk or sense of humor, even telling me to shut up the day before she died when my fussing over her became annoying and then asking me when I left the room afterwards if she had pissed me off to the point where I wasn't going to come back. I remember laughing and telling her that I would be there as long as she was. And I was and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Today, December 10th marks a whole year since she lost her fight. I don't see it as her leaving us because in so many ways she is still here. I feel her presence often, especially when I am with my son. When he and I have our quiet moments I will often talk about her and tell him that she loves him. His response is generally to smile and sometimes say her name. Nick and his na, as he called her, forged an awesome bond. One of the things I miss most is seeing them both light up when they saw each other. I don't think my son could've asked for a better na and one of the saddest things about her not being around anymore is how much he'll miss out on that. I do my best to keep the memory of her alive as my mom did for me and my brother when my grandpa died. I'd say she misses out too except I really do believe she is still with us. I can't call her up and tell her the really, super cute thing that he just did but it's ok - she already knows.

It's been a year and the pain has dulled a bit but days like today open up that wound just a little. I am sad today but I feel comforted knowing she's in a better place and is at peace. That's all I could ask for concerning her. She suffered and wanted that to end and since none of us are ever presented with a third option in that case, what happened to her by passing on is for the best. That being said I still allow myself to feel some grief. I love and miss her and I know I always will.

The cutest little Vulcan boy ever!

This Halloween Nicky went out dressed up as Mr. Spock. Timely costume since the movie was such a big hit over the summer. I imagined that he'd look cute as that but he surpassed even my expectations! He was a great sport that night and wore the ears and let me paint on exaggerated dark eyebrows to complete the look. The only thing he didn't want to do was sit still for pictures - there was too much going on and candy to be had, it appears.

I was so proud of my little guy that night and think he was adorable in that costume.. I realize I already mentioned that but he was cute enough for it to be stressed yet again.

I spent my birthday exactly as I had hoped I would, with my mother at the beach where she had requested her ashes to be placed. Going over there alone was what I needed to do on that day, my birthday gift to myself. I set out in late morning and spent about an hour and a half at what will forever be known to me as her beach. It was very chilly that day and there were only two people on the beach the whole time I was there. That solitude was an added bonus to the whole experience for me. I really did want to be alone with her and feel free to show my emotions while there. And show them I did.. the emotions I felt that day being with her there ran the gamut from happy to sad, with just about every emotion in between. I really did feel her presence too. I sat there and listened to music on my Ipod, songs I knew she loved. I spoke to her at length, even though I knew she already was aware of everything I was saying to her even before I spoke. If she was alive I would have spent the day with her; going over there was the one way I still could. The cool ocean breezes and the wonderful smell of salt water soothed me as I stood there near the surf. Each deep breath of that felt like heaven to me. Scent memory is such a powerful thing for me so I put some the scent that mom always wore, Skin Musk, on a sweatshirt and took it with me to be able to both feel her and smell her at the same time. That was a powerful combination but so comforting at the same time.

Here are some pictures I took that day..

This is a picture of the campground/beach sign. The significance of this beach lies in the name and I wanted to get a pic of that. My mom's last name her whole life was Wright and when I told her about this beach and took her there the summer before she died she told me she couldn't think of a better place to be set free.
















This last picture is my personal favorite taken that day. I love the way the water is stretched out like a sheet.



Thank you again to all my friends who helped me ring in my 40th birthday and all of those who sent birthday wishes, even if they were in the form of a countdown to my 50th birthday. That person knows who he is but I can get great joy in knowing he'll make it there before I do, so HA!