Coping and Hoping

My son has begun to receive respite services from the county. Respite is a service provided to give parents of special needs kids a break. The provider is trained in the particular disability of the child and acts as a babysitter. They either take the child on a community outing or sit with them at your home. We've had both lately and it's proven to be a huge help to both the boy and myself. I get some free time and he gets to go out and experience an adventure with his new friend. He is now 5 weeks into a seven week break from school and we really haven't had a whole lot of time apart from each other in that time span. I think, for Nick and I, breaks are essential. We have a great bond and I know that I am the key person in his life as he is mine so him needing time away from me isn't something I take personally. As much as I love my child and revel in my role as his mama, I need more that that to fuel me as well. I have always thought that the moms who stayed home with their kids full-time were the real unsung heroes of this world. And I have always known that wasn't something I either wanted or would be good at it. Today is my son's third outing with his awesome new pal. He has behaved so wonderfully each time they've gone out. She's taken him to a few movies and he just sits there with a huge smile on his face the whole time, watching the movie and chomping on his popcorn. I am SO proud of my little man for being so wonderful for her! I was a bit nervous about how he'd fare with her the first time out but my fears were unfounded as he sailed through that with flying colors. I really think this respite will be good for the both of us, I only wish I had taken advantage of the opportunity a while back when it was first offered to me. Before she got sick my mom was my de facto respite provider. She cared for him so I could work on Saturdays and often when I just needed to go off and do something for me. I used to ask her often if she felt I was taking advantage of her and she'd assure me she did not. She loved to care for the little man and no amount of time spent being with him was too much for her. I appreciated that so much and always made sure she knew it. I was very secure in the knowledge that my child was being well cared for when she had him. This is one of the things I miss the most, not having her around - that security.


When my mom passed nearly 8 months ago it was such a crazy time for us. Christmas was on the horizon some two weeks later and I was so worried about how Nick was going to react towards losing her and seeing me in a sad, confused state. I went on automatic pilot following her passing and bottled alot of emotions. My major concern was making things as normal for Nick as I possibly could. The problem was simply this - my son and I are so connected that even if I tried to pretend things were ok on the outside - and I did - he knew better. Even if I wasn't outwardly showing emotion it was below the surface and he both felt and reacted towards it. His reactions were puzzling to me because they totally went against the grain of his nature. My sweet, loving boy became very agitated and rough with me. I understood that it was the pain and confusion that was causing him to do that but it hurt all the same. That lasted for close to two months before he began to behave like the Nick we all know and love. I felt so badly for him, knowing he had to have many questions that he was unable to ask. Kids always do in death situations and the fact that he couldn't just ask me when she's coming back or tell me how badly he missed her had to be terrible for him. I know he understands what I say to him but still must have wanted more clarification. Try as I might I cannot fathom how hard that was for him. Thinking about how hard he struggled with that is still hard to do.

Since I am no longer as worried about him I am now focusing on me a bit. I began to go to grief counseling to focus on helping me come to terms with the finality of her loss. It's not just kids that have a hard time with that, apparently. I am convinced that grief over such a profound loss is a life-long process. You never get over a loss like this, despite wanting to. Coping, accepting, and learning to live without that person become your main focuses. I think I have been in a kind of denial about just how differently my life would play out without her. Sometimes I worry that I am still not in a place where the full realization has hit me yet. For comfort I still cling to some material things that bring me peace - her old theater sweatshirts she loved, even a sweat-jacket of hers that I wore home from her house the night she passed. I even still have all the numbers she could be reached at in my cell phone and cannot bring myself to erase them yet. Maybe that is me hanging on to the past but since the past is when she was here, its more preferable to the present where she's not. Another reason her loss was so hard for me to take was the fact that my father isn't a part of the lives of my son and I. Sadly, even when he was he was more a peripheral part of my life. The role he played in my life was that similar to a distant uncle or cousin.. we never had a real father/daughter relationship. I think that fact has made the loss of my mom even harder to take. She wore many hats with me, for sure, and strived to be the same way for Nick. The saddest part of her loss is the simple fact that her passing robbed him of that. That makes me even more sad than the fact that it was I who lost my mom. I was lucky enough to have her for over 39 years - my boy only had her for six.

I truly hope that this counseling aids me in coming to terms with this. I'm committed to do what I need to do to both deal with the lingering pain and move past it the point where it dulls and is more manageable. I recently read the book "Motherless Daughters" and was left with the feeling that my feelings of fear, ambivalence, and sadness are so very appropriate and all too common. The book asserts something that I wholly agree with - that some women, myself included - are as profoundly changed by the loss of their mom as they were by the life they lived. One way that resonates with me is how I have been called upon to to assert myself a bit since she passed. I'm a softer person by nature than my mom was. She never shied from a confrontation whereas I tend to run from them. When she passed it dawned on me how I had always been dependant on her to provide me with the added backbone I was sorely lacking. I know her well.. she would want me to carry on and try to stand on my own and face up to people when the situation called for it. Things that were easier to tolerate before have become harder since that realization. Weak as I sometimes feel, I have begun to feel bolstered by what defined her - that ornery, fighting spirit. She used to tell me that I always underestimated my own strength. In the letter she wrote to me to be read after she passed she reminded me of that again. I used to think that was just her, as my mom, seeing me in a more favorable light that I do myself. Sometimes I'm not so sure she was wrong. Maybe it's her spirit guiding me now. Whatever it is, I have been altered and will never be the same.

Next week we are facing another milestone, the first birthday of my son since she passed. It's hard for me to imagine celebrating something like a birthday without her because she was so integral to those celebrations. Just like with any first it will be hardest but we'll solider on and get through that day. I know she's still with us in spirit, especially with Nicky. She may not be there physically but she's still there. That is where the coping comes to play - having that be enough when all you want is her there in body too. A great learning lesson for everyone involved, I think.