He's back with us

It's been eleven days since we put Gizmo down and each day does get a little easier. We received his ashes back on Saturday and a certificate saying that he was cremated on the Monday following his passing. Picking his remains was bittersweet.. on one hand I was glad to have him back with us where he belongs and on another it made his passing seem even more real to me. Knowing that I was holding, in a box, what remained of someone who was so dear to me for so many years moved me. Giz really was my first baby. If I hadn't found him and had the joy of being his mama I most likely would've had a child long before I did have mine. Giz was 10 when Nick was born and for all those years preceding my child's birth he really did have me wrapped around his paw.. and boy did he know it. He has us very well trained - his dinner time was 8:00 sharp and I mean sharp. He had some kind of internal clock that alerted him of that time and when it came he'd let us know with a whine or he'd start running up and down the hallway to garner our attention. Yup, he was a funny little man and we all miss him.

His ashes were placed in a plain, but pretty wooden urn in the shape of a brick. I'm planning on having a plaque made with his name and attaching it to the box. I've found myself carrying his box around when I need to feel him with me. Right now he's resting in the kitchen, his other favorite hangout spot in our house. The times of day that I feel his absence most are early in the morning when I always let him out and his dinnertime. Those times are when I've found myself stroking the box and talking to him. He knows we all miss him and I know he's aware of how his absence has effected us. It still soothes me to remind him.

What a sweetheart he was..

I'll close with one of my favorite recent pictures of my boy. This was taken this past spring.. he was looking pretty good for a 15 year old doggie, wasn't he??

The time came..

In my last post I spoke of my dog, Gizmo.. we put him to sleep last night. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier, or at least not yet. He'd been going downhill pretty fast for the past week and yesterday was his worst day yet. I couldn't bear to see him suffer so I felt it was my obligation to him to put him out of his misery. I know what we did was right but it doesn't take away the gut-wrenching sadness that I've been feeling since leaving the vet's office last night. His passing was so peaceful and I'm so grateful that I was there to see it. He merely relaxed and was quickly at peace. It tore my heart to hear the doctor tell me, after checking him for vital signs, that he'd passed but at the same time I felt an extreme sense of relief knowing that he was no longer suffering.

Since putting him down last night I've been struggling with the plan to only be grateful for having him for so long. I'm sure that once this initial sadness wanes that'll be easier. I'll never stop loving him or feeling such gratitude that I had the privilege of being his mama for so long. We're having him cremated and will be receiving his ashes in a week or so. I suspect that's when I'll feel some comfort - when he's returned to us. His favorite spot in our house was in the bigger closet in our bedroom. I plan to put his ashes on the shelf in there so he'll be in his preferred spot. It's the least I can do after all he's done for us. Thank God for that dog.. that's all I can say. How lucky were we??

RIP Gizmo
March 15, 1992 - September 7, 2007

My other child

I've often spoke of my love for my son, Nicholas. What I've yet to go on and on about is the deep love I have for my other child, my dog Gizmo. In my heart I see him as my first baby. I've had him since he was two months old and he's now fifteen. He's had many health problems as of late and I fear that he's in the home stretch of his time with us. Sure, I'm sad about it and I know that I'll miss him like crazy but all I can think about is how incredibly lucky we are to have had him this long. I so hope that I can continue with that line of thinking and concentrate on that fact once he's gone. What he's given me has been far and above all that I've done to care for him, that I know. He's just such a sweetheart and a dog that nearly everyone adores once they're fortunate enough to meet him.

It's hard for me to believe that we've had him that long. Sometimes I don't remember what life was like before he came along. Before I found him I really wasn't much of a dog person. I didn't dislike them but I wasn't too crazy about having them around all the time. Now I adore most dogs and can't imagine not having one. But I can't see myself running out to get another once Gizzy passes. He's irreplaceable and it will be a long while until I let another animal into my heart the way I've done with him.

Isn't he handsome??




To any of you that are reading this and know me, please do me a favor. Remind me of my pledge to mostly concentrate on how good and long his life was once he's gone. That is my intention but I'm afraid I'll merely wallow in the fact that he's not physically here anymore.

I know I'm lucky to have had him this long.. I think I should write that 500 times in a row if I'm guilty of going against what I truly intend to do. Hold me to it, will ya?

Long time, no blog..

It's been almost 4 weeks since I lasted gathered my thoughts and assembled them in some kind of coherent form that I could share here. Many, many things have happened in the meantime. I think I'll start with the good, bittersweet stuff. On Monday, August 13th, my baby turned 5 years old. I know every parent thinks this, but seriously.. how the hell did that happen? Wasn't he just born a while back? I really wasn't too sad that day like I had expected to be. We had his birthday party the following Saturday and it turned out to be a fun experience for all. Nick was given so many wonderful presents and it warmed my heart to see the people who came out to celebrate my boy's milestone birthday. Nick started his new school on August 20th and really seems to enjoy it. It's official, folks.. my baby isn't a baby anymore.

Now here's the hard part and quite possibly the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing that I've ever faced before.. my mom's cancer is terminal this time. She'll be leaving us long before she, or anyone of us, wants her to. It just doesn't seem right or fair that someone who fought so hard to get better and get her life back will not live long enough to see her beloved grandson grow up. That's the hardest part for me to deal with - the knowledge that this will affect my son like nothing ever has before. Nick lost his paternal grandpa earlier this year and that was a huge blow to him as well as us. Losing Grandpa and dealing with my mom's cancer returning has been very difficult for all of us to swallow. We all miss him terribly but know that he's in a better place and isn't suffering the way he did for so long. That knowledge helps us deal with him not being here but doesn't in any way take away the pain of his loss. I suspect that will be the same way when my mom loses her battle.

This has taken me so long to write about because I really don't know what to say about this. What I've been feeling in my heart and thinking in my head aren't things that are easy to express in words, or just not easy for me to do. I'm sad, bewildered, and even angry at times. I don't have a particular person or anything tangible who is deserving of my anger but it still comes in waves. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, just as my mom is doing. I want to smother her with love and not let her out of my sight the way that I'd like to do at all times with my child but I can't. She retires at the end of this week so I'll have time then to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm taking the advise of those who've dealt with this before and am trying to cherish the time we have left in every way that I can. A very wise person told me not to take the time that she's expected to be here with us for granted at all, and I surely won't. That's really good advise to follow with everyone but somehow it just doesn't always happen, does it? I'm as guilty of it as anyone else but my mom is one person who I can't do that with anymore. The one life lesson I hope will stay with me is to never do that again with anyone. That sounds corny, I know, but I know now how true that is.

The monkey on Nick's back..

Sometime last month I found an adorable harness for Nick to wear while we're out and about. I found it online and they had it available at Walmart. It's a combination harness and backpack that has a monkey on it. Ever since Nick was in utero I've called him my little monkey. My child has never been one to sit still, even while he was in the cramped space of my uterus that he called home. I used to joke that he appeared to be trying to swing from the trees while in there. That's where the nickname of monkey came about.

The harness works like a charm keeping him with me, I'm happy to report. I took him to a cool kids amusement park while he was wearing it and he seemed to like it. He didn't want me to remove it when we got home! He loves it so much that he often wants to wear it to just hang around the house.

I'm so happy I found it.. it makes him happy to wear it and gives me a sense of relief knowing that with it I can keep him next to me where he belongs.

The sweetness of that smile...

My son's face and the incredible smile that emits from it never fails to soothe me or pick me up when I'm down. I'm going to have to rely even more heavily on the joy he brings to me to help me deal with things yet again. The news we received about my mom yesterday wasn't very good. She's going to have to go through treatments yet again to battle what's grown inside her. This breaks my heart because she's already been through so much, but she has to deal with it and fight. She's a fighter by nature and will get through this. More than anything my mom will need her boy to get through this. Nick and his nana are so lucky to have each other. I feel privileged that I can just sit there and witness the love between them. This helps reaffirm my opinion that having my son was the best thing that I have ever done... I know how much just his presence has enriched the lives of my husband and myself. It makes me so happy to see how much he's touched everyone else.

Update on my mom and my little school boy..

My mom finally was given an appointment to see a specialist. She goes on Monday and I'm planning to go with her. She also has an appointment today for another CT scan. The last one they performed on her, sometime last month, showed a shadowy area near her lung. Her doctor didn't think much of it because it appeared to her to be nothing more than a shadow. But, to be on the safe side, they're doing another scan on her as I sit here typing. She'll know more about the results of that test sometime next week. Waiting really, really sucks, for lack of a better word. Monday is still 4 days away -- yuck. I may appear to be a patient person but I hide how completely impatient I am very well. People often remark how calm I am while dealing with people who clearly are patience zappingly annoying.. if they only knew what's going on inside they'd be shocked..

Nick's doing really well being back at school. He clearly enjoys it and gets so much from it. He gets into such a routine when going to school that he's often sad when Fridays roll around and he doesn't have school that day. He seems to understand the routine of the weekends - his nana cares for him on Saturdays and he spends Sundays at home hanging out with his daddy. Fridays sometimes throw him for a loop. When he starts into his new program in late August he'll be going to school on Fridays as well -- that'll make him happy. Personally I love our Fridays together. Sure, I don't get much done around here but it's our relaxing day. I work Friday evenings and Saturday and Sunday during the day so the mommy son day we get on Fridays are special to me. We usually hang out at home in the morning and then go out to lunch together and try to do something fun, like going to a park.

It looks like I'm the one who'll have some adjusting to do when he starts going on Fridays.. Nick will be fine, he always is, thankfully.