I was on the phone with 1-800- PANIC yesterday...

There was a 10 minute spell yesterday where my child was out of my sight...

Every parent's worst fear, right?? Compound that with the fact that my child isn't verbal enough to tell anyone his name or his mama's name and/or phone number, and you have a mom who was about to have a serious panic attack for that brief time yesterday.

We were at the pumpkin patch with his class yesterday morning and I turned my back for a second and he took off. The pumpkin patch has a great play area where Nick and his classmates as well as about 50 other kids were playing in. I was standing in a spot where I could see Nick if he left the area or if he was within the gates of the play yard. I paused for a couple of seconds to get something out of my backpack and when I looked up, he was gone. I assumed he went into the play area, most likely into the dirty, wet tunnel I had asked him to stay out of. Because I was so sure he was in there I didn't bother to look outside the structure. Sure enough, that is the direction he took off towards. Nick ran about 400 yards away towards the area where the school buses were. Apparently he had decided enough was enough and wanted to leave. His wonderful teacher was the one who found him after someone alerted her that a little fair haired boy was near the bus area.

It literally took me an hour to stop shaking and to get the point where I could let the boy go. I grabbed onto him and didn't wish to release my grip. He got more hugs and kisses from me in about an hour than he generally gets in a couple of days. If he was verbal he most likely would have told me to stop smothering him, no lie! As soon as he was found I sat him down and looked him right in the eye and explained to him that what he did wasn't safe.. I want him to understand that most people in our world would do the right thing and try to get him returned to me if they found him but there are others who could do him harm. I know for a fact that he understands what I say to him; but certain concepts such as danger and mistrust of strangers allude him completely. All he knows is love because of how we were raising him and also due to his very sweet nature. My son is a mush box -- he gives such sweet love to those around him and is always recpetive to it being returned. I am not sure what I can do to make him understand that while the bubble he lives in is filled with love, the outside world could possibly do him harm. That is a tricky concept.. I don't wish to scare him, per se, just bring things like that to his attention so he has a healthy fear.

I am thinking of attaching an ID bracelet to him when we are in public with his name, my name and phone numbers and other pertinent information like that. At least if he is approached the person who finds him can alert me. I am not an inattentive mom by any means but that kid is sneaky AND fast as a cheetah... two very bad qualities in a child who likes to bolt, if you ask me.

I have a message for Denis Leary....

*STFU!!!

Read this crap:

In his book Why We Suck, Leary writes that most children diagnosed with autism are simply "stupid. Or lazy. Or both." He also asserts, "There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically."

This from a no-talent hack?? Seriously, comments like this boil my butter. If you don't know what you're talking about, and he clearly doesn't, please do the world a huge favor and STFU. He claims his comments were taken out of context.. my question is how?? Did he write this pile of crap in his book that bears his name as the author? Hmmmm.. I believe he did.

Idiot!

*Shut the fuck up

Stepping off soapbox now...

A milestone of sorts...

My baby just lost his first tooth!!

It seems like only yesterday he started getting them in the first place. I'm quite certain that anyone who has a child or is close to child can totally relate to that! Nick is now 6 years old and that astounds me every day thinking of that. He is doing really well in both school and his in-home therapy. I just had a long talk with his teacher and she told me that his verbal abilities have come a long way since he started in her class back in February. He's articulating more and will mimic the syllabes of words that are presented to him. He'll do that for me at times but not as often as he will at school. I'd like for that to change, but as long as he's doing it, I am happy. His behavior is hit and miss. He can be the sweetest child one moment and a total stinker the next. I think that is age appropriate so it isn't something I worry about too much. As long as the sweet moments outweigh the monster ones, all is good in that area.

I haven't written much about my mom lately but here's an update. Nearly fifteen months after receiving the devastating news that her cancer was terminal, she is still with us and doing remarkably well. She's a tough cookie and I am so grateful for that. In addition to being of strong will she is in possession of a fabulous attitiude about this whole situation. I truly believe that has helped keep her with us and I know that her being positive has helped me keep faith as well. I have my days where my fears regarding her condition take over but I do my best to try to push them aside and live for the moment. Whatever will be, will be... that is my motto. I can't do anything to help her besides being there and letting her see the person she loves the most in this world, her grandson. If I could take some of her pain, I would and gladly. Unfortunately that isn't possible so I do what I can, when I can and she is wonderful at telling me how much I am appreciated. It's my pleasure to still have the ability to be able to do that so I will do it as much and for as long as I can. Anyone reading this that knows me knows that I am crying as I sit here typing this.. those aren't tears of sadness, not at all. They are tears of joy because she is still here and we still have this time.

Here are some great pictures that we had taken recently. My mom looks wonderful in these and I know that I will treasure them forever.

Enjoy...
My mom and her beautiful grandsons, Nicholas and Christian



My mom, brother, and I



My favorite picture of my mom and I. And no, we didn't synchronize our outfits.. great minds just think alike..





One last pic of my little man.. LOVE this picture!

Walkin' the walk

This morning I participated in a fundraising walk for Autism Speaks, a wonderful organization dedicated to raising both awareness of this disorder and raising the funds necessary to find a cure. I walked with my son and my sister-in-law and we all enjoyed the 2 mile walk. The weather was lovely and the spirit of all the walkers united to raise money for this awesome cause helped contribute to it being a great experience. I was nervous that my son wouldn't want to walk the whole length but he did wonderfully and behaved really well. He objected to holding my hand the whole time so I let him lag behind me for a spell a few times. He was within my sight and when he felt like catching up to me he did. I think it was the little man asserting his independance a little bit and I was fine with that as long as I knew he was safe and within my reach.

I'm not sure of the amount raised by this walk but I know that I was able to raise close to $400 and I appreciated everyone who helped me make that goal. It is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is needed to raise the money for Autism research but doing it and feeling a part of the community was a great experience for me. I hope to be able to do more in the future.

Thank you to everyone who helped me do this.. I love and appreciate you all. A special thank you goes out to my buddy and sister-in-law Lori. She gave of her time today and I love her for it. LVO, thanks for the laughs and just the joy of your company today. I love you!

Geeze, has it been a year??

I am officially the laziest blogger ever.

I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I last updated this page. I know it's been a long while because when I last blogged we had just put Gizmo down and yesterday was the first anniversary of his passing. I visited this blog and even attempted to update a few times but coming here and seeing how sad my last posts were made me feel those feelings all over again. The first year without him was rough, no doubt about that. He was such a part of me and I still feel like a piece is missing a year later. I still avoid going near the pet food aisles at grocery stores and Target -- I had a few instances where I would have been embarassed if anyone saw me crying just looking at the things I used to buy for him when he was alive. Silly, huh?

Yesterday was a day where I took Giz out of his closet and put his box in the kitchen. I had a few moments of sadness before I left for work and left him in his other favorite room of the house when I departed for the day. When I came home Nick had put Gizzy's box on the couch and had been carrying him around all day. When I asked him where Giz is he'd point at the box and say "Izzzz", as he called him. Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table reading and Nick brought me Gizzy's box, climbed up on my lap, gave me a kiss and ran off. He knew I needed to have him.

Nick may not be very verbal, or at least not yet, but he has a deeper understanding of my needs than anyone I have ever known. I am so lucky to have that boy just as I was lucky to have the beautiful boy who made me a mommy in the first place, Giz.

He's back with us

It's been eleven days since we put Gizmo down and each day does get a little easier. We received his ashes back on Saturday and a certificate saying that he was cremated on the Monday following his passing. Picking his remains was bittersweet.. on one hand I was glad to have him back with us where he belongs and on another it made his passing seem even more real to me. Knowing that I was holding, in a box, what remained of someone who was so dear to me for so many years moved me. Giz really was my first baby. If I hadn't found him and had the joy of being his mama I most likely would've had a child long before I did have mine. Giz was 10 when Nick was born and for all those years preceding my child's birth he really did have me wrapped around his paw.. and boy did he know it. He has us very well trained - his dinner time was 8:00 sharp and I mean sharp. He had some kind of internal clock that alerted him of that time and when it came he'd let us know with a whine or he'd start running up and down the hallway to garner our attention. Yup, he was a funny little man and we all miss him.

His ashes were placed in a plain, but pretty wooden urn in the shape of a brick. I'm planning on having a plaque made with his name and attaching it to the box. I've found myself carrying his box around when I need to feel him with me. Right now he's resting in the kitchen, his other favorite hangout spot in our house. The times of day that I feel his absence most are early in the morning when I always let him out and his dinnertime. Those times are when I've found myself stroking the box and talking to him. He knows we all miss him and I know he's aware of how his absence has effected us. It still soothes me to remind him.

What a sweetheart he was..

I'll close with one of my favorite recent pictures of my boy. This was taken this past spring.. he was looking pretty good for a 15 year old doggie, wasn't he??

The time came..

In my last post I spoke of my dog, Gizmo.. we put him to sleep last night. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier, or at least not yet. He'd been going downhill pretty fast for the past week and yesterday was his worst day yet. I couldn't bear to see him suffer so I felt it was my obligation to him to put him out of his misery. I know what we did was right but it doesn't take away the gut-wrenching sadness that I've been feeling since leaving the vet's office last night. His passing was so peaceful and I'm so grateful that I was there to see it. He merely relaxed and was quickly at peace. It tore my heart to hear the doctor tell me, after checking him for vital signs, that he'd passed but at the same time I felt an extreme sense of relief knowing that he was no longer suffering.

Since putting him down last night I've been struggling with the plan to only be grateful for having him for so long. I'm sure that once this initial sadness wanes that'll be easier. I'll never stop loving him or feeling such gratitude that I had the privilege of being his mama for so long. We're having him cremated and will be receiving his ashes in a week or so. I suspect that's when I'll feel some comfort - when he's returned to us. His favorite spot in our house was in the bigger closet in our bedroom. I plan to put his ashes on the shelf in there so he'll be in his preferred spot. It's the least I can do after all he's done for us. Thank God for that dog.. that's all I can say. How lucky were we??

RIP Gizmo
March 15, 1992 - September 7, 2007