Last post of the year.. and decade.

I find it so hard to believe that the first decade of the 21st century is about to be over with. All New Year's eves find me being very introspective and thinking of the year that's about to end and this one isn't an exception. The big difference is that I am thinking of the decade gone by as well and how much changed in that time span. I've had loved ones come and go, became a parent, a homeowner, and feel as if I am come into my own. In short -- I grew up.

The years 2007-2009 were, without a doubt, the hardest ones for me and the people I love. Many changes, sorrow, hardship, and struggles characterize those years. I am an optomist.. I believe that things will turn around. If I didn't have that mindset I don't know how I'd face the future. I believe that my child will continue to flourish in his therapies and rise to the level that is possible for him to function independantly in society. I never let myself think of things being any other way. My hopes may not come true but they won't for a lack of faith on my part in his ability to do so. He's amazing, brilliant, and so very capable of so much more than he shows at this point. He's simply the best and truly the best thing to not only happen to me in this past decade but my whole life. I'm a lucky mama.

As far as the sad things that happened this past decade - the loss of my mom, dog, and father-in-law.. well, those still sting and always will, I am sure. To deal with those blows I tend to think often of just how lucky I was to have them in my life in the first place. It's that type of thinking that allows me to cope with the pain of losing someone. The facts of life, like death itself, may rob us of the people we love but nothing can erase good memories.

Here's to hoping that the next decade brings joy, happiness, and much less strife to my life and those around me.

Happy New Year :)

About my mom..

Try as I may I cannot sum up my mom in a few sentences or by using some of the common adjectives that one usually uses to describe someone that they love. To me my mom was more than the sum of her parts and was a force of nature. I believe I have already used that expression to describe her and it really does or did fit. One of the hardest parts of losing her is remembering to use the past tense while describing her. I still find myself using the present tense alot and I am sure that's very common.

Like most of us my mom was on a quest her whole life to find love. She never really felt it from her own mother so she chose - yes, chose - to become a mother at a very young age. She believed that by having me she could create a person who would always love her and help fill the empty void that was inside her. To say she had bad luck with men was an understatement. I like to think of it this way.. my mom was blessed with two great males in her life.. her father and my son. One way to see it is that her life was bookended by the presence of those two great guys. She began her life with my sweet grandpa who was devoted to her and ended it with my son who felt the same about his Nana. My grandpa was one of the most wonderful, kind, caring men to have ever lived and well, the little man who brought her so much joy at the end is pretty damn great as well.

One of my most favorite things about my mom was the simple fact that she was completely incapable of being phony and hated any bullshit of any kind. She was honest with her emotions but had tact and never wielded her words as weapons as some do. You always knew where you stood with her - I think anyone who knew her would agree with me on that. She hated pretense with a passion and was open to all types of people.

To my mom her friends were as important as family. She didn't grow up close to her only sibling, my uncle Frank, but they later developed a loving relationship. The friends she was fortunate to collect over the years became the family she wasn't close to. Just this past week I have received a few phone calls from the people who were close to her for many years and stayed loyal until the end. One thing about my mom that shows quite a bit about her character is the fact that she wasn't a fair weather friend to those in her life. If she loved you, you knew it and she was the type who would back you to the wall and unleash her claws on those who tried to cause her loved ones harm. When I was a little girl I used to think she placed too much emphasis on her friends, but as I grew up I understood that it was her friends who sustained her when life threw many challenges her way. She had it very rough as a single mom to my brother and I and if it wasn't for the people who rallied around her she may have crumbled under the pressure.

I know I have spoken at length about how much my child meant to my mom and it's so very true. She had wanted to become a grandparent for many years and was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Although we had had our disagreements in the past my son coming along mended all those fences and bound us together. She was so involved in every aspect of my pregnancy yet did it in the most respectable, non-intrusive way possible. She was understanding of my decision to not have family present in the delivery room and never pressured me to change my mind. My mom was just like that.. very accepting and had the best habit of letting me make my own decision without over-stepping any boundaries with me. I was the same with her.. if she wanted to tell me something, she would. I always knew she had her reasons if she chose to not share something with me and I never felt slighted. You know the expression that women often turn into their mothers? Well, I can see shades of my mom in me, for sure. I had seen them before she passed but even more so in the year since.

This whole week leading up to the anniversary of her passing has been a hard one for me. I keep thinking of how she was a year ago and so close to death. A year ago all she wished for was to free of her pain - she even said that out loud. She was ready to die and end that suffering that plagued her. When she did die I felt some relief but a year later that is magnified. I understand that was keeping me from feeling total relief then was my own selfish feelings of loss. I don't knock myself for them because I think that's a natural reaction when you lose someone. You wonder how you'll make it without them and what your life will look and feel like without them around. I did that and sometimes I still do wonder what my life will be like while I am continuing to learn to live without her. If I had to describe to someone what it has felt for me without her the best I could do is to liken it to jumping out of an airplane and not knowing for sure if your parachute will work. I've had moments where I felt like I was free falling and wasn't sure if anyone else could catch me. That's not to put down the people that are in my life that provide me with love and support at all.. it's just that nobody did that like my mom and I highly doubt anyone could ever again.

One thing that makes me both laugh and cry a bit is when I think of all the things she said to me in the morphine induced state she was in for the last week of her life. She and I had some wonderful bonding moments those last few days, particularly when nobody else was there and I was sitting at her bedside. She never lost her spunk or sense of humor, even telling me to shut up the day before she died when my fussing over her became annoying and then asking me when I left the room afterwards if she had pissed me off to the point where I wasn't going to come back. I remember laughing and telling her that I would be there as long as she was. And I was and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Today, December 10th marks a whole year since she lost her fight. I don't see it as her leaving us because in so many ways she is still here. I feel her presence often, especially when I am with my son. When he and I have our quiet moments I will often talk about her and tell him that she loves him. His response is generally to smile and sometimes say her name. Nick and his na, as he called her, forged an awesome bond. One of the things I miss most is seeing them both light up when they saw each other. I don't think my son could've asked for a better na and one of the saddest things about her not being around anymore is how much he'll miss out on that. I do my best to keep the memory of her alive as my mom did for me and my brother when my grandpa died. I'd say she misses out too except I really do believe she is still with us. I can't call her up and tell her the really, super cute thing that he just did but it's ok - she already knows.

It's been a year and the pain has dulled a bit but days like today open up that wound just a little. I am sad today but I feel comforted knowing she's in a better place and is at peace. That's all I could ask for concerning her. She suffered and wanted that to end and since none of us are ever presented with a third option in that case, what happened to her by passing on is for the best. That being said I still allow myself to feel some grief. I love and miss her and I know I always will.

The cutest little Vulcan boy ever!

This Halloween Nicky went out dressed up as Mr. Spock. Timely costume since the movie was such a big hit over the summer. I imagined that he'd look cute as that but he surpassed even my expectations! He was a great sport that night and wore the ears and let me paint on exaggerated dark eyebrows to complete the look. The only thing he didn't want to do was sit still for pictures - there was too much going on and candy to be had, it appears.

I was so proud of my little guy that night and think he was adorable in that costume.. I realize I already mentioned that but he was cute enough for it to be stressed yet again.

I spent my birthday exactly as I had hoped I would, with my mother at the beach where she had requested her ashes to be placed. Going over there alone was what I needed to do on that day, my birthday gift to myself. I set out in late morning and spent about an hour and a half at what will forever be known to me as her beach. It was very chilly that day and there were only two people on the beach the whole time I was there. That solitude was an added bonus to the whole experience for me. I really did want to be alone with her and feel free to show my emotions while there. And show them I did.. the emotions I felt that day being with her there ran the gamut from happy to sad, with just about every emotion in between. I really did feel her presence too. I sat there and listened to music on my Ipod, songs I knew she loved. I spoke to her at length, even though I knew she already was aware of everything I was saying to her even before I spoke. If she was alive I would have spent the day with her; going over there was the one way I still could. The cool ocean breezes and the wonderful smell of salt water soothed me as I stood there near the surf. Each deep breath of that felt like heaven to me. Scent memory is such a powerful thing for me so I put some the scent that mom always wore, Skin Musk, on a sweatshirt and took it with me to be able to both feel her and smell her at the same time. That was a powerful combination but so comforting at the same time.

Here are some pictures I took that day..

This is a picture of the campground/beach sign. The significance of this beach lies in the name and I wanted to get a pic of that. My mom's last name her whole life was Wright and when I told her about this beach and took her there the summer before she died she told me she couldn't think of a better place to be set free.
















This last picture is my personal favorite taken that day. I love the way the water is stretched out like a sheet.



Thank you again to all my friends who helped me ring in my 40th birthday and all of those who sent birthday wishes, even if they were in the form of a countdown to my 50th birthday. That person knows who he is but I can get great joy in knowing he'll make it there before I do, so HA!

A woman on the verge...

Of turning 40

My fortieth birthday is tomorrow and I am not as ambivilent about that coming milestone as I had thought I would be. Yes, 40 sounds old, even compared to 39 but it's not the end of the world. I am choosing to see my 40's as my prime. My mom had always said that life begins at that age. She was at a place at that age where both of her children were nearly grown - I was 23 and my brother was 17 - and she felt good about her place in her life. My child is far from grown and I see my life as work in progress. I like to think of how I viewed myself ten years ago when I was on the cusp of my thirties and compare that to how I see myself now. There is no question that I view myself and my life as a whole in a more favorable light. I see my thirties as the most tranistional decade of my life so far. Many changes happened during that time span and I feel as if I came into my own during that decade. I experienced the greatest joy of my life as well as the greatest sorrrow. Becoming a mom was obviously the high point and losing my own took any sorrow I had felt before to a new depth.


The biggest reason for this personal growth is that my 30's ushered me into my most special period thus far - motherhood. Becoming a mom made me not only realize my womanhood but wish to celebrate it as well. I had a renewed respect for what my body was able to do, even though women have been doing that for eons. For me it was a unique experience that made me feel more like a woman than I had ever felt before. That feeling continued for me even after having my baby. I really think that motherhood made me complete. That is not to say that a woman needs to be a mother to feel that way; I am only saying that it helped fulfill me that way. Before then I wondered exactly what my purpose was - with having Nick I finally knew and felt like I had contributed something worthwile to not only my life but everyone around me.

What will my 40's bring?? Who knows.. but I can say this - I am ready for whatever life throws my way. Even though I often feel weak I know I am stronger than I have ever been. I am entering my first decade without the person who has always been there for me yet I don't feel as alone as I had thought I would. She's still with me, just not physically here. I am sad that she's not here to celebrate my birthday with me, but she is with me.

My mom was one of those very lucky people who was able to cultivate many long-lasting friendships. Her oldest and dearest friends were a couple whose daughter is my age. The girl and I didn't stay friends but her parents and my mom were able to stay close until my mom died. One of the saddest tasks that I had the afternoon she died was to call them and let them she had passed. Many calls were made for me but calling them was the one I chose to tackle. The moment Laura answered the phone she knew why I had called. She was expecting this, as we all were, but was nevertheless shaken by the news. I don't remember much of that conversation but do recall both of us laughing, crying, and trying to comfort each other. Laura and her husband Greg were just two of the people whose lives were touched by my mom. Another such person was her friend Michelle. They knew each other for a slightly shorter length of time but had a bond that was a wonderful thing to see. For nearly a quarter of a century my mom and Michelle together went through all that life threw in their direction. My mom was there when both of Michelle's daughters were born, as well as one of her granddaughters. They worked together, played along side each other, and had an uncanny ability to finish each others sentences. Michelle was right there with my mom throughout her illness and took her to all of the appointments that I was unable to take her to. She was also the person who was with her when she passed on. On the Saturday prior to my mom's passing Michelle began to feel ill so she stayed away for a few days. She felt well enough on Wednesday to come over and visit. I had been there all morning long, only leaving for a short while to visit a friend who was leaving town. When I knew my mom was in good hands with her closest friend I decided to go home for a while to see my boy. It was when I went home that she passed away. Her friend was meant to be there to witness that, not me. I had told her when I left that afternoon that I was OK with her leaving and that I only wanted her to be at peace. I had begun to say that to her each time I went home over the previous four days. I didn't think she was waiting for my permission or anything, but I did think it was important to let her know I was ready to let her go.

I think it's such a beautiful tribute to the friendship that my mom and Michelle had that she chose to leave while her friend was at her side. Some may argue that we don't chose that but I disagree. They experienced all the cycles of life together prior to my mom's passing and with her being there for that they truly did go full circle together. I don't see Michelle very often anymore but I do feel like I am experiencing a bit of my mom still being here with me when I am around her. Even hugging her feels like a hug from my mom.. that warm, enveloping feeling that only a mom can give to her child.

Today is the nine month anniversary of her passing. The pain is still there on a daily basis as is the feeling that something very vital is missing from my life. I sometimes wish I was one of those people for whom the passing of a parent was a fairly easy thing but I think it's a tribute to how close we were that it has not been an easy transition. I do my best not to dwell on my sadness, I really do, but on each monthly anniversary of her leaving it feels like the wound opens up just a little. I'm really dreading the year anniversary in three months. I know she wouldn't want me to dwell on her death but celebrate her life instead. I am hoping that will become easier in the years to come. The old adage about time being the best healer is true but it is so slow. William Shakespeare said that grief makes one hour ten and that is something I can definitely relate to. I don't expect to ever be completely free of sadness regarding her passing, but I do hope that when I come to point of acceptance - the final stage of grief - it will become more real to me and going on will be easier. Time not only heals but it will tell, I suppose.

I came across a list recently that I really wanted to share here and comment on.

The Nine 'Rules' For Parents Of A Child With Special Needs

1. Take one day at a time, and take that day positively. You don't have control over the future, but you do have control over today.

Such an important thing to think about.. as a parent of a special needs child I worry about his future perhaps a bit more than the parent of a typically developed kid. Truth be told, there isn't a damn thing I can do about beyond giving him access to the therapies he needs, doing my part in implementing their teaching tactics, and providing my son with all the love and encouragement I can muster up.

2. Never underestimate your child's potential. Allow, encourage, and expect your child to develop to the best of his abilities.

I hope I do that consistently, especially the first part about never underestimating him. I think that if he were to ever see me do that he will follow suit.

3. Find and allow positive mentors: parents and professionals who can share with your their experiences, advice, and support.

I need to work on this.. I do have a great friend whose son is the same age as mine. She and I have been on this journey together for a long time. More about her later though..

4. Provide and be involved with the most appropriate educational learning environments for your child from infancy on.

This is one rule that I pride myself in being a stickler on. I have been involved in each aspect of his education thus far and have accompanied his classes on each of their field trips. I think I have just as much fun as the boy does and it gives me to chance to get to know and talk with his teachers and aides.

5. Keep in mind the feelings and needs of your spouse and your other children. Remind them that this child does not get more of your love just because this child needs/gets more of your time.

Ok, ok.. I'll concede that I am guilty on this one. The needs of everyone, including myself, have all taken a back seat to Nick.

6. Answer only to your conscience; then you will be able to answer to your child. Allow yourself jealousy, anger, pity, frustration, and depression in small amounts whenever necessary.

This is another hard one.. I don't like to allow myself to feel those feelings too often. When I think of my son's disability I honestly try to see it only from his standpoint and how it effects him. Yes, I am effected by my son being autistic but not in the same league he is. To feel those feelings mentioned would make me feel like I am being ungrateful for just what an amazing guy he is.

7. Be kind to yourself. Don't focus continually on what needs to be done. Remember to look at what you've accomplished.

I honestly do try to work on this one. I know that Nick is happier when I am too so taking that in account makes me wish to do things that benefit us both.

8. Stop to smell the roses. Take advantage of the fact that you have gained a special appreciation for the little miracles that others take for granted.

I really like this one and totally agree. I am ever grateful for anything my child says and praise him for every attempt at communication.

9. Keep and use your sense of humor. Cracking up with laughter can keep you from cracking up with stress.

Also, very true. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a goofy sense of humor. I truly believe that wit is an important element in keeping ones sanity.


I'd like to post something here about a great lady that I admire and love. Five years ago I met Taria on an online baby site. We're clear across the country from each other yet became great friends. Our boys are the same age and are both autistic. She's been my partner on this journey through diagnoses, therapies, and the tracking of our boys progresses. I am grateful for her sense of humor and kindness and think she's an amazing person. This afternoon she gave birth to her much wanted second child and I couldn't be happier for her. Welcome to the world, Justin.. you are a lucky little man indeed. Love ya, T :)