I don't know where to start with writing this blog entry.. I am usually pretty good with words, especially in the written form, but I have no words that will fully capture how I am feeling at this moment and how I've felt these past few weeks so I will just start by talking about what has happened and see if the words follow..

My mom lost her brave battle with cancer on Wednesday, December 10th. She fought it so hard and was the only battle in her life that she couldn't win. I have never before known a stronger, tougher woman and I am even more impressed by those qualities now after seeing how they carried her through her war against that awful disease. She entered hospice care the week before and lasted six days with her systems failing. She was a trooper to the very end and still showed the spunk that defined her until the day she died. Each day that she lived with her body giving out was worse than the previous one, for sure. I had always seen my mom as force bigger than life and to see her battling against cancer and wanting an end to her suffering was the worst thing I have ever seen witnessed. I had hoped to be there when she passed but she had other plans apparently. I was the only person who was closest to her at the time of her death to not be present in her house when she went home. It is clear to me that she didn't wish for me to be there. I rushed over there when I heard and it was such an odd experience to see her finally at peace and without pain.. I could characterize seeing that as beautiful but at the same time the hardest sight I have ever seen. Hard because seeing that meant she was truly gone. It literally broke my heart to see that and I know that I will never be the same. I miss her.. the person who existed before cancer came to eat at her insides, so very much and I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Not for me or anyone else who truly loved her.

My mom gave very specific instructions as to how she wished for a non-religious ceremony that celebrates her life and only touches on her passing. She chose to be cremated and wished for her most of her ashes to be placed in a body of water and another portion sent to her friends who live in Mexico for them to place in the sea of Cortez. She had never lived her life as a kept woman, she said, and didn't wish to remain in an urn to be kept here. As her daughter and the person she entrusted with this task, I will make sure all of her wishes are carried out per her instructions. I picked up her ashes on Christmas Eve and a group of us will be taking them over to Bodega Bay on New Year's Eve to set her free.

All of this - witnessing her suffer, having her leave, getting her ashes back - everything, just doesn't seem real to me most of the time. Going over to her house is very odd for me. I halfway expect to see her sitting in her comfy chair watching TV and getting excited to see me and my son. Before she passed she wrote a letter to us to have as a reminder of how much love she carried. She told me of her great joy in watching me with Nick. I used to catch her looking at the two of us and the look on her face always brought me such happiness and peace. I was so touched to have her tell me from beyond how much she enjoyed that. I know that letter was hard for her to write, especially the part directed at her Nick. She loved that child as much as I do and made sure to tell him that dying is the only way she would have ever left him.. she lived for that boy from the moment she knew of his pending arrival to the moment she left this Earth. He held her heart and she said that having him come into her life as her grandson completed her. What a gift for him to have, huh? To have two people on this planet feel the same way.. I will make sure he grows up knowing this and understands just how hard she fought to stay with him.

This is just an outline of all I wish to say about my mom. There are so many other things I will be adding to this; stories, pictures, and details of how we're all going to learn to live without her in our lives. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me and been there for me during this. You all know who you are and know that I am appreciative of the cards, phone calls, e-mails, and IM's you've sent me. Thank you and and I love you all.

What a month November was...

I would have to say that the whole month of November was pretty much a blur, even though it just technically ended. Nick was off school and not happy about it one bit and my mom's health took a major decline. She began getting weaker during the first part of the month and spent 5 days in the hospital this past week. The pain has become much more constant and it isn't even taken away by the massive amounts of pain medications she is on. The scans done this past week showed blood clots in both her heart and in her leg. Her prognosis is grim, to say the least. She has wisely decided to end chemotherapy treatment and focus on pain management. Hospice has been called in and medical supplies have been delivered to her house.

Seeing her suffering like this is excruiciating and the feeling of helplessness is really overwhelming. I have never before seen a person suffer and it is truly an awful sight. I wouldn't wish what she is going through on anybody. A friend of mine who has an amazing, poetic way with words once said to me regarding people with terminal illnesses, my mom in particular, that we have not only consideration for such warriors but admiration as well. A nice thing to say, don't you agree? Thanks for that, Alex. This is something I think of often and agree with wholeheartedly.

I am doing my very best to hold my emotions in around my mom. The problem is that she knows me far too well for me hide much. I just tend to avoid looking at her in the eye when something is beginning to upset me. If you know me you know that I have extremely expressive eyes; they give me away often and she doesn't need to see that from me. I am not always sucessful, mind you, but I try my damndest.

My son is now back in school as of this morning and he seems to be enjoying it. His teacher sent me a note saying that he had a good first day back at school. He thrives on routine and normalcy in his life and school is the best thing for him right now. Throughout the next days, weeks, and months I am going to strive to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy. He senses the stress I am under and how it's affecting him has been manisfested in his behavior. I am hoping the hours that he is away from me while he's in school will be good for him to be rid of that for that time. His teacher is aware of what is happening in our family now and is on the lookout for any behaviors that are out of the ordinary at school. My biggest concern is how my moms passing will affect him. I am trying to prepare him the best way I can and have received some valuable information from his therapy team as to how to talk him to regarding his Nana. As a parent I just wish to protect him from any possible hurt out there.. this type of hurt he and the rest of us will experience and are experiencing isn't the kind I can shield him from and that is possibly the hardest lesson that I will be left with.

Yes, we can

And yes, we did.

I really believe America got it right last night with their decision to elect Barack Obama as our next president. If I was in or near Chicago I would've braved the temps to be there to see history in the making. As it was I was witness to it just being in front of my TV. So many barriers were broken and so much hope restored... it truly was a night to remember and tell your kids and grandkids about one day.

I truly thought that President-elect Obama (man, I love writing that!) gave an excellent speech. I loved how he paid tribute to his political rival by calling him a hero for enduring so many sacrifices for his country. I have never doubted that he was a good American; he just wasn't the one I wanted as our next leader. My tears really flowed when he spoke of his deep love and gratitude he has for his family. I smiled when he told his daughters that they earned the new puppy that will be accompanying them to their new home in Washington. He seems like a devoted dad and as a parent that is something that I love to see. My heart broke for him when I learned of his grandmother's passing.. I know she was beaming with pride looking down on him. Yes, I know I am a sap.

Obama spoke of the historic outcome of last night's election as our victory. I truly believe he is right and hope that even his dissentors will eventually see it that way. My favorite part of the speech, besides the heartfelt moments, was where he spoke of the road to repairing what's broken as being long.. that we may not get there in a year or so but we will get there.. I don't expect overnight changes that will fix all that ails us but we have to have hope. That is what is most important. That is why that line resonated with me. I have hope for the outside world as well as what is happening in my own life with respect to my mom's illness and my son's condition. Without said hope I would have given up a long while ago. They deserve better from me and our country deserves better as well. I hope we all get what we deserve.

OK, hopping off political soapbox now... :)

In the spirit of the election tomorrow...

I have never spoken of any of my political beliefs here on my blog but since tomorrow is a momentous day for my country as well as the rest of the world, here goes it..



Let me preface this by saying that I have never voted Republican in my life so the fact that I am voting for Barack Obama shouldn't come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I may have voted Republican this time out if I felt the candidate was the right one. Obviously, that is not the case. I have respect for John Mc Cain as a maverick (I know - - there goes that word again...) and as a strong dissentor of our current president. I think he's an upstanding American for his service to our country but I wouldn't want to live in a country where someone like Sarah Palin is a heatbeat away from the presidency. She scares me.. plain and simple. Her views are the polar opposite of mine in just about every way and while I have respect for her opinions, I wouldn't want someone in power having them.

No, I don't think Obama is going to the savior of this country.. not at all. But I do think that he'll work his ass off to try to change what is broken. Change is necesary, folks, and this man is up to the challenge. I hope he gets the chance to do it.

OK.. onto another hot topic..




Prop 8.. ah yes, the hot button topic here in California. Since I have no problem with anyone living their lives truthfully and out in the open, this shouldn't shock that I hope this measure goes down in flames. Why shouldn't gays be allowed to marry? I mean, really.. why should I care what others do with their lives? I am not knocking those who do care, but I am just stating the fact that I clearly do not. I really am a live and let live person -- don't harm anyone that I love or me and I am totally fine with whatever you do. That is the way I was raised and how I see most things in life.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow and anxious to see what the outcome will be. I'd like to think that both of the things that I spoke of will go my way but we shall see, won't we?

Can you stand this much cuteness????

Another tooth gone..



Nick as Superman last night...



Mama and her super hero boy...

The ramblings of a tired person...

I am just so damn tired and despite the need of my body for sleep, my brain just flat out won't allow it. I've tried taking over the counter sleep meds, herbal teas, hot baths at bedtime, and alcohol. None of which works and since I worry about the dependency issue, I am not fond of the sleep meds. The other three I mentioned are fine but aren't cutting it either. I can fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion early but after 4 - 5 hrs I am up and it's only about 3 AM. This is odd for a person like me who has never battled insomnia in her life. The only period of time that I had trouble sleeping before was when I was heavily pregnant with Nick.

I know this is being caused by stress and I don't see any end to that anytime soon. My mom hasn't been doing well lately at all. Her pelvic tumors are causing her a great deal of pain and the pain medicine she is on is only helping to a certain point. I feel as if my hands are tied and it sucks badly. I am a fix it person; give me a problem and I will work my ass off to find out the best way to make it better or deal with it. Maybe that's the mom in me.. I wish to kiss boo-boos and make them better. The main problem is that this boo-boo of my moms isn't one that is going to go away and cannot be fixed with love and attention. I think that is part of my problem with this, besides the obvious fear that she is going to leave us soon.. I want to do something, anything to help and I cannot do jack shit.

I was on the phone with 1-800- PANIC yesterday...

There was a 10 minute spell yesterday where my child was out of my sight...

Every parent's worst fear, right?? Compound that with the fact that my child isn't verbal enough to tell anyone his name or his mama's name and/or phone number, and you have a mom who was about to have a serious panic attack for that brief time yesterday.

We were at the pumpkin patch with his class yesterday morning and I turned my back for a second and he took off. The pumpkin patch has a great play area where Nick and his classmates as well as about 50 other kids were playing in. I was standing in a spot where I could see Nick if he left the area or if he was within the gates of the play yard. I paused for a couple of seconds to get something out of my backpack and when I looked up, he was gone. I assumed he went into the play area, most likely into the dirty, wet tunnel I had asked him to stay out of. Because I was so sure he was in there I didn't bother to look outside the structure. Sure enough, that is the direction he took off towards. Nick ran about 400 yards away towards the area where the school buses were. Apparently he had decided enough was enough and wanted to leave. His wonderful teacher was the one who found him after someone alerted her that a little fair haired boy was near the bus area.

It literally took me an hour to stop shaking and to get the point where I could let the boy go. I grabbed onto him and didn't wish to release my grip. He got more hugs and kisses from me in about an hour than he generally gets in a couple of days. If he was verbal he most likely would have told me to stop smothering him, no lie! As soon as he was found I sat him down and looked him right in the eye and explained to him that what he did wasn't safe.. I want him to understand that most people in our world would do the right thing and try to get him returned to me if they found him but there are others who could do him harm. I know for a fact that he understands what I say to him; but certain concepts such as danger and mistrust of strangers allude him completely. All he knows is love because of how we were raising him and also due to his very sweet nature. My son is a mush box -- he gives such sweet love to those around him and is always recpetive to it being returned. I am not sure what I can do to make him understand that while the bubble he lives in is filled with love, the outside world could possibly do him harm. That is a tricky concept.. I don't wish to scare him, per se, just bring things like that to his attention so he has a healthy fear.

I am thinking of attaching an ID bracelet to him when we are in public with his name, my name and phone numbers and other pertinent information like that. At least if he is approached the person who finds him can alert me. I am not an inattentive mom by any means but that kid is sneaky AND fast as a cheetah... two very bad qualities in a child who likes to bolt, if you ask me.