For years everytime I heard the term 'comfort food' what popped into my head was something my mom used to make quite often. Eating it always reminded me of being a kid and feeling warm and safe. It's a simple dish, really. Not too many ingredients and it doesn't require a lot of either prep work or time to make it. Even considering those factors I had never quite been able to make it the way both my mom and grandma had. I had tried in the past and just didn't seem to be able to pull it off. Plus, it was always something that my mom could just whip up quickly and her version was always much better than what I had attempted. Isn't that sometimes how it is? There's always that one (or sometimes than one) dish that it seems that only one person could make for you. For me it was my mom's hot spaghetti. When I say it's a simple dish I am not kidding - cayenne pepper, garlic salt, butter, and Parmesan cheese. Easy, right? Not really. There is a matter of reserving some of the water to make a sauce that coats the pasta without making it too watery. That was the hard part for me for some reason - mine either came out as dry as a desert or way too soupy.
The other day I woke up craving some hot spaghetti. I had all of the ingredients on hand so I thought that I'd give it a try. I had not tried to make it in a few years and the last time that I did have it my mom had made it for me one day when she came over for lunch. Right before I drained the water I used a soup ladle and scooped out about 2 cups of water to attempt to get the sauce right. I added a little at a time and it started to look like how my mom made it. One taste told me that I had done it right. That's where the tears started flowing. I was happy that I had made it the way she told me too but having it without her made me sad at the same time. By the time that I had dished it and sat down to eat it the tears had stopped and it just felt like I was enjoying something that I had always enjoyed and reminded me of home.
Lately my mom has been on my mind quite a bit. This is probably why I woke up wanting something she used to make for me. The second anniversary of her passing is coming up soon and it doesn't seem like it's been that long at all. Losing her so close to the holidays makes this time of the year hard for me. The couple of people that I know who've lost family members so close to the holidays tell me that the first few years are the hardest but that it does get easier to rejoice in this time a year further on down the road. I know they're right but honestly sometimes, especially days like today, it just doesn't feel that way. At least now I know that I have the ability to whip up a bowful of something I thought only she could make for me and enjoy it while thinking of her. Hers was better, no doubt about it, but mine's not that bad either.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Nothin' like a cute fireman..
For Halloween this year Nick dressed up as a fireman. His class had a field trip to a firehouse this past June and ever since then Nick has shown an interest in anything that has to do with firetrucks and all things associated with being a fireman. When we drive by that particular fire station that we visited with his class he'll often wave at it as well. Funny thing - when his daddy was young he was a major pyromaniac and his son is the opposite. I can't even light a candle without Nick trying to blow it out! Maybe we have a future firefighter on our hands here, who knows..
I just love this picture of Nick and the fireman he met at the field trip this past June.
Here's my very own cute fireman:
This was really the first year he was totally into trick-or-treating. He enjoyed himself quite a bit last year but was the first year that he displayed a great sense of excitement and anticipation for the holiday. He had such a good time going that on the next night he gathered up his entire costume and brought it to me, saying "please" and indicating that he wanted to go again. I had to explain to him that Halloween only comes once a year and that it will be long time before he can put on another costume and go out and knock on doors. I love that he had such a good time that he wanted to go so soon. That kind of excitement on his part always brings a smile to my face :)
I just love this picture of Nick and the fireman he met at the field trip this past June.
Here's my very own cute fireman:
This was really the first year he was totally into trick-or-treating. He enjoyed himself quite a bit last year but was the first year that he displayed a great sense of excitement and anticipation for the holiday. He had such a good time going that on the next night he gathered up his entire costume and brought it to me, saying "please" and indicating that he wanted to go again. I had to explain to him that Halloween only comes once a year and that it will be long time before he can put on another costume and go out and knock on doors. I love that he had such a good time that he wanted to go so soon. That kind of excitement on his part always brings a smile to my face :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Birthday beach trip, take two
Last month on my birthday I took a trip over to the beach where my mom's ashes were placed to spend some time there with her. I did it last year and intend to do it every year. We always had spent a part of that day together and it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't go to where I feel the closest to her to continue that tradition. I'd have to say that this year's trip was much easier than when I went before. I've had another year to adjust to her absence and allow the permanence of it to sink in. The feelings of loss weren't as raw as they were last year so less pain was felt and instead a calm sense of both her presence and peace washed over me while I was there.
I set out on the trip mid-morning and really enjoyed the scenic drive. Wright's Beach is right outside of the town of Bodega Bay which is about a two hour trek from where I live. Driving the route I normally go you pass through parts of the wine country and through the town of Petaluma. I noticed when I got to the point where Bodega Bay was about ten miles away that I felt a lump in my throat beginning to form and a pit in my belly. For some reason I was both nervous and excited to be going to her beach. That feeling continued until I parked and got out of the car. The moment I headed towards the shore I lost all those feelings and just felt an overwhelming sense of being one with her and the feeling that where I was at that moment was where I should be. The weather was insanely nice that day; a stark contrast to the dismal skies the year before and I am sure that helped my demeanor as well. I took off my boots and walked down towards the surf, standing at the exact spot where her ashes fell out of the urn. I spoke her to at length like I did last year and again knew that she already was aware of all I was saying to her but somehow just saying those things out loud helped me again.
Since the weather was so nice there and being there was much easier than last year I spent a good deal more time there than before. I had taken with me a blanket that she crocheted for me as a gift for my 16th birthday and spread it out on the bench of a picnic table that was on the beach. I then laid down on that and plugged in my Ipod, listening to the music I knew she loved as I did last year. The combination of the warm sun, the scent of the salt water in the air, the good music flooding my ears, and her presence made me feel such a sense of contentment that I hated for it to end. When my empty stomach began to protest is when I decided to leave and grab a bite to eat before I began the drive home. Before I did that I walked down to the surf and again spoke to her, promising to come back next year if not sooner to be there with her. While I drove towards home I felt that lump form again that was there earlier and just knew that the emotions were rising up again. To calm myself I parked and sat there for a while. Going away from her spot made me sad but I am lucky because I feel close to her wherever I am. As long as I have the ability to remind myself of that I can make it through the rest of my life without her. When she died we were in a good place, relationship-wise, and had said all that we needed to say to one another. Not everyone has the chance to do that with a dying parent and for that, as well as many other things with respect to her, I am a lucky girl indeed.
Here are some pictures from this year's trip:
What a gorgeous day, huh?
I stopped and got out at a point somewhere between Wright's Beach and the Bodega Dunes campground and took this picture. I just couldn't get over what a lovely day it was there!
This is the blanket with my mom's initials and date that she made for me. I had packed that blanket away in a box and only recently found it. When I use it for warmth I think of her crocheting it for me and that makes me feel even warmer inside
I am so thankful that I was able to go there again. I am also very thankful for the birthday wishes from my friends and family. Once again a good friend of mine chose to remind me on my birthday of the number of days until I hit the big 5-0 milestone. I do believe I will have the last laugh on that one as he will hit it before I do. Thanks again, brat :)
I set out on the trip mid-morning and really enjoyed the scenic drive. Wright's Beach is right outside of the town of Bodega Bay which is about a two hour trek from where I live. Driving the route I normally go you pass through parts of the wine country and through the town of Petaluma. I noticed when I got to the point where Bodega Bay was about ten miles away that I felt a lump in my throat beginning to form and a pit in my belly. For some reason I was both nervous and excited to be going to her beach. That feeling continued until I parked and got out of the car. The moment I headed towards the shore I lost all those feelings and just felt an overwhelming sense of being one with her and the feeling that where I was at that moment was where I should be. The weather was insanely nice that day; a stark contrast to the dismal skies the year before and I am sure that helped my demeanor as well. I took off my boots and walked down towards the surf, standing at the exact spot where her ashes fell out of the urn. I spoke her to at length like I did last year and again knew that she already was aware of all I was saying to her but somehow just saying those things out loud helped me again.
Since the weather was so nice there and being there was much easier than last year I spent a good deal more time there than before. I had taken with me a blanket that she crocheted for me as a gift for my 16th birthday and spread it out on the bench of a picnic table that was on the beach. I then laid down on that and plugged in my Ipod, listening to the music I knew she loved as I did last year. The combination of the warm sun, the scent of the salt water in the air, the good music flooding my ears, and her presence made me feel such a sense of contentment that I hated for it to end. When my empty stomach began to protest is when I decided to leave and grab a bite to eat before I began the drive home. Before I did that I walked down to the surf and again spoke to her, promising to come back next year if not sooner to be there with her. While I drove towards home I felt that lump form again that was there earlier and just knew that the emotions were rising up again. To calm myself I parked and sat there for a while. Going away from her spot made me sad but I am lucky because I feel close to her wherever I am. As long as I have the ability to remind myself of that I can make it through the rest of my life without her. When she died we were in a good place, relationship-wise, and had said all that we needed to say to one another. Not everyone has the chance to do that with a dying parent and for that, as well as many other things with respect to her, I am a lucky girl indeed.
Here are some pictures from this year's trip:
What a gorgeous day, huh?
I stopped and got out at a point somewhere between Wright's Beach and the Bodega Dunes campground and took this picture. I just couldn't get over what a lovely day it was there!
This is the blanket with my mom's initials and date that she made for me. I had packed that blanket away in a box and only recently found it. When I use it for warmth I think of her crocheting it for me and that makes me feel even warmer inside
I am so thankful that I was able to go there again. I am also very thankful for the birthday wishes from my friends and family. Once again a good friend of mine chose to remind me on my birthday of the number of days until I hit the big 5-0 milestone. I do believe I will have the last laugh on that one as he will hit it before I do. Thanks again, brat :)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
All about my two new babies..
Meet our new puppies - Max and Abby
Max is a sweet little noisemaker. He was super quiet at first but once in his comfort zone showed himself to be a little yapper. He loves to run around and chase the outdoor cat we have as well as his sister. He had worms when we got him but responded nicely to the treatment the vet gave him and appears to be free of them now. He plays very rough with Abby but also is as sweet as he can be with her at times. He has an awesome appetite and has begun to grow in length and fill out a bit since coming to us. When we got him he weighed in at 4.4 lbs and the vet thought that he'd most likely grow to double that weight. He's a sweetheart and is such a cuddler. I love my little Max :)
Abby is becoming a total mama's girl. She follows me around and is always trying to get the closest to me when I am laying down with both her and her brother. Yesterday she even bit Max on the ear to get the spot she had designated as hers. She is very tiny and delicate but nobody should be fooled by her appearance - she is perfectly capable of taking the rough-housing that Max dishes out and will often launch another attack on him he stops to rest. She was a couple ounces smaller than her brother when weighed at the vet the day we got her and is growing nicely as well. I love my sweet little girl :)
Oh, the joys of having a puppy (or in our case, puppies) again! These guys are somewhere in the neighborhood of three months old and we're not exactly sure what they are mixed with. Max's appearance looks like a cross between dachshund and mini-Doberman pincher with some chihuahua thrown in and Abby doesn't appear to have any of the pincher in her at all. They definitely keep us our toes and have become a part of our household in a pretty quick and easy fashion. They have endeared themselves pretty quickly to all who've met them and even have bonded with Nick in a way that I hadn't expected. Both puppies are fascinated by him and often follow him around the house and the backyard. He interacts with them far more than he has with other animals and that's so much fun to see. I had been worried that he would feel slighted or pushed off to the side by these guys but he seems to be just going with the flow and accepting them and all the attention they are getting.
Two weeks ago I didn't even know these two existed and now I am totally crazy about them. They came into our lives through chance and have completely changed the dynamics of our home. I had began to think about getting another dog and somehow that became two. My good friend Amber found them and knew they were for us. It was total fate and I am so grateful she happened to be in the right place for us to meet these guys. She had been trying to convince me for years to get another dog and was so excited when I told her that I had thought I was finally ready. It took me a long time to get to that point, just over three years as a matter of fact. Our previous pet, our mixed doxie Gizmo, was far more than a dog to me. I had him for over 15 years and felt like I was losing a blood family member when he passed. I never really had a time frame in mind as to when I would even begin to think about getting another dog, I just knew that it would take a while before I could even think of it. I didn't want to try to replace him in anyway and knew those would be tough shoes to fill as well. The way I had thought about it is that I had to get to a place where I wanted another dog, not another Gizmo, if that makes any sense. I don't expect either of these puppies to be him in any fashion and that's good because they won't.
Here's a video of their antics, with Nick enjoying the show.
I feel so lucky to have them and hope they're with us for a long time. Thanks again, Ambie, for being in the right place at the right time.
Max is a sweet little noisemaker. He was super quiet at first but once in his comfort zone showed himself to be a little yapper. He loves to run around and chase the outdoor cat we have as well as his sister. He had worms when we got him but responded nicely to the treatment the vet gave him and appears to be free of them now. He plays very rough with Abby but also is as sweet as he can be with her at times. He has an awesome appetite and has begun to grow in length and fill out a bit since coming to us. When we got him he weighed in at 4.4 lbs and the vet thought that he'd most likely grow to double that weight. He's a sweetheart and is such a cuddler. I love my little Max :)
Abby is becoming a total mama's girl. She follows me around and is always trying to get the closest to me when I am laying down with both her and her brother. Yesterday she even bit Max on the ear to get the spot she had designated as hers. She is very tiny and delicate but nobody should be fooled by her appearance - she is perfectly capable of taking the rough-housing that Max dishes out and will often launch another attack on him he stops to rest. She was a couple ounces smaller than her brother when weighed at the vet the day we got her and is growing nicely as well. I love my sweet little girl :)
Oh, the joys of having a puppy (or in our case, puppies) again! These guys are somewhere in the neighborhood of three months old and we're not exactly sure what they are mixed with. Max's appearance looks like a cross between dachshund and mini-Doberman pincher with some chihuahua thrown in and Abby doesn't appear to have any of the pincher in her at all. They definitely keep us our toes and have become a part of our household in a pretty quick and easy fashion. They have endeared themselves pretty quickly to all who've met them and even have bonded with Nick in a way that I hadn't expected. Both puppies are fascinated by him and often follow him around the house and the backyard. He interacts with them far more than he has with other animals and that's so much fun to see. I had been worried that he would feel slighted or pushed off to the side by these guys but he seems to be just going with the flow and accepting them and all the attention they are getting.
Two weeks ago I didn't even know these two existed and now I am totally crazy about them. They came into our lives through chance and have completely changed the dynamics of our home. I had began to think about getting another dog and somehow that became two. My good friend Amber found them and knew they were for us. It was total fate and I am so grateful she happened to be in the right place for us to meet these guys. She had been trying to convince me for years to get another dog and was so excited when I told her that I had thought I was finally ready. It took me a long time to get to that point, just over three years as a matter of fact. Our previous pet, our mixed doxie Gizmo, was far more than a dog to me. I had him for over 15 years and felt like I was losing a blood family member when he passed. I never really had a time frame in mind as to when I would even begin to think about getting another dog, I just knew that it would take a while before I could even think of it. I didn't want to try to replace him in anyway and knew those would be tough shoes to fill as well. The way I had thought about it is that I had to get to a place where I wanted another dog, not another Gizmo, if that makes any sense. I don't expect either of these puppies to be him in any fashion and that's good because they won't.
Here's a video of their antics, with Nick enjoying the show.
I feel so lucky to have them and hope they're with us for a long time. Thanks again, Ambie, for being in the right place at the right time.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Birthday Boy
It's hard to believe but today is the day of my sweet little boy's 8th birthday. The old adage about time flying is so true and time seems to pass even quicker when you're witnessing a child grow. Sometimes when I am feeling nostalgic for the baby days of the past I close my eyes and relive the first time I saw his little face. I remember looking down when he was handed to me and seeing in the crook of my right arm the sweetest face with the most prominent red lips I had ever seen on a newborn baby. I recall not being able to stop staring at those lips and being fascinated by the softness of his skin, especially on his chubby cheeks. He has mesmerized me since..
Nick isn't your average child but I honestly wouldn't trade who he is for a typically developed one. He is who is and I accept him. I wish communication was easier for him, not for my own needs. He tries and I salute his attempts. Do I hope he will be able to talk more as the years go on? Sure, but if he doesn't I will still love and accept him as I do now. He is a very sensitive, kind boy and his sweet spirit is what sets him apart from others. He has great instincts with people..he seems to have a innate understanding of the needs of others. I can't count how many times he has lifted me up without me showing I needed that kind of support. There was one incident recently when I was having a rough day that really illustrates his sweet side.. I was sitting on the floor in the living room and he came in and took me by the hand, had me sit on the couch so we were eye-to-eye and kissed my forehead. He just knew I was having a bad day and that was his ways of showing his love and concern for me. Seriously, it just doesn't get better than that, folks.
On the last day of school Nick was given a speech devise on loan from his school district. It has a series of panels where PECS (picture exchange communication system) cards are placed. I recorded my voice in each spot so he can use them to indicate what he wants or make a sentence. There is an "I want" PEC on each grid of the machine and he can then use that plus the item that he does want to let us know what he's wanting or needs at that moment. One night I went out to the store for a few minutes and he stayed home with his daddy. For some reason when I left it really bothered him and he cried the whole time. He was asked what he wanted and he grabbed the devise and used it to say " I want more mommy". Naturally I dissolved to tears when I got home and heard that.
Since giving birth to him my life has changed in so many ways.. some good, others not, but the best thing about these past 8 years has been having Nick in my life. He requires major dedication and devotion but none of that has been difficult for me to summon up. He didn't ask to be born nor did he ask to be afflicted with his disorder. I chose to have him and now I owe it to him to do whatever it takes to further his chances of having the best life he can have. He faces challenges each day that I know nothing about and cannot really even relate to. All I can do is my best to help him through those obstacles and be the best I can be for him. He deserves nothing less than that and everything else I can give as well.
He is still asleep but I can't wait until he wakes up so I can smother him with kisses and hugs. Sometimes I still try to put him in the crook of my arm where I first saw him. Naturally he no longer fits but looking down at him in that spot brings me back to the first time I saw him there. I loved him then and I love him about a million times more today.
Happy birthday to my sweet bubba boy
It's hard to believe but today is the day of my sweet little boy's 8th birthday. The old adage about time flying is so true and time seems to pass even quicker when you're witnessing a child grow. Sometimes when I am feeling nostalgic for the baby days of the past I close my eyes and relive the first time I saw his little face. I remember looking down when he was handed to me and seeing in the crook of my right arm the sweetest face with the most prominent red lips I had ever seen on a newborn baby. I recall not being able to stop staring at those lips and being fascinated by the softness of his skin, especially on his chubby cheeks. He has mesmerized me since..
Nick isn't your average child but I honestly wouldn't trade who he is for a typically developed one. He is who is and I accept him. I wish communication was easier for him, not for my own needs. He tries and I salute his attempts. Do I hope he will be able to talk more as the years go on? Sure, but if he doesn't I will still love and accept him as I do now. He is a very sensitive, kind boy and his sweet spirit is what sets him apart from others. He has great instincts with people..he seems to have a innate understanding of the needs of others. I can't count how many times he has lifted me up without me showing I needed that kind of support. There was one incident recently when I was having a rough day that really illustrates his sweet side.. I was sitting on the floor in the living room and he came in and took me by the hand, had me sit on the couch so we were eye-to-eye and kissed my forehead. He just knew I was having a bad day and that was his ways of showing his love and concern for me. Seriously, it just doesn't get better than that, folks.
On the last day of school Nick was given a speech devise on loan from his school district. It has a series of panels where PECS (picture exchange communication system) cards are placed. I recorded my voice in each spot so he can use them to indicate what he wants or make a sentence. There is an "I want" PEC on each grid of the machine and he can then use that plus the item that he does want to let us know what he's wanting or needs at that moment. One night I went out to the store for a few minutes and he stayed home with his daddy. For some reason when I left it really bothered him and he cried the whole time. He was asked what he wanted and he grabbed the devise and used it to say " I want more mommy". Naturally I dissolved to tears when I got home and heard that.
Since giving birth to him my life has changed in so many ways.. some good, others not, but the best thing about these past 8 years has been having Nick in my life. He requires major dedication and devotion but none of that has been difficult for me to summon up. He didn't ask to be born nor did he ask to be afflicted with his disorder. I chose to have him and now I owe it to him to do whatever it takes to further his chances of having the best life he can have. He faces challenges each day that I know nothing about and cannot really even relate to. All I can do is my best to help him through those obstacles and be the best I can be for him. He deserves nothing less than that and everything else I can give as well.
He is still asleep but I can't wait until he wakes up so I can smother him with kisses and hugs. Sometimes I still try to put him in the crook of my arm where I first saw him. Naturally he no longer fits but looking down at him in that spot brings me back to the first time I saw him there. I loved him then and I love him about a million times more today.
Happy birthday to my sweet bubba boy
Thursday, August 12, 2010
About the boy..
The last six months have been ones of incredible growth and change for him. Size-wise he's changed so much. He's grown about two inches since the beginning of the year and his once rail-thin little body has begun to fill out a bit also. Vocal ability still eludes him for the most part but he tries so hard each day. The inability to express himself does have a tendency to be expressed in ways that are disruptive at times - tantrums, crying, and things of that nature. These outbursts are hard to handle but very understandable. But.. being the parent I cannot allow him to just vent whenever he wants to. I wish I could say I understand how he does feel but I don't. I have never had the inability to express myself and that is something he deals with constantly. There are times that I would just love to be able to climb inside of his brain for a day and see things in the manner he does. I know that's not possible, but it's definitely something I would do if I could. I often wonder how much doing that would change my perspective on the world around us since I would be seeing things the same things he sees. So many questions come to mind when I think of doing that - would the colors I see somehow be sharper? would sounds appear to be louder? how frustrated would I be to not be able to speak when nearly everyone around me does on a regular basis? I have so many questions and really would give just about anything to be able to understand my child better.
I love to watch him when he isn't aware I am doing so and see how he observes his surroundings. He really fascinates me and I try to see things the way he does with those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. Everything seems to fascinate him and he has many interests. I still am waiting to see what special gift he was blessed with. Many people on the spectrum have something that they are able to do that sets them apart from others. For a while I was convinced that his had to do with numbers; they interested him and amused him as well. His love of the written word in any form has been one constant in his life since he was a baby. Like his mom he adores books and almost always has one or more near him. He really loves the grocery ads as well. Nothing makes him happier than scattering them across the kitchen table and pointing out to me what he likes or having me tell him what the items are. He can also identify things when I ask them what they are with amazing accuracy. Taking him out to places like stores and restaurants can be dicey situations as I never know if something will upset him or his mood will change to the point that being out in public isn't a fun option for either of us or the people we might be around. I still plug away and take him out despite this though. I honestly think that I'd be doing him a disservice if I didn't. He has the same rights as anyone else to be out there.. if he acts up I do my best to take him out of the environment as quickly as possible. I think if I were to avoid taking him out that would send the message to others, and perhaps even Nick, that I am using the fact that there are times when it really is very hard to do that, as an excuse not to. So what if it can be difficult? He's worth all the effort it takes to do anything with and for.. it's as simple as that. Sad to me that others don't seem to get that but that is just how it is.
Nick still shows in some ways that he is still feeling the loss of my mom. The summer she was diagnosed as terminal she made a bear for him at Build-A-Bear that she recorded her voice in for him. I keep the bear on a high shelf but Nick will get down the bear from time to time and cuddle with it, pushing it to hear her voice. My mom was the type of person who helped keep Hallmark in business as she bought cards for nearly every occasion. There is a Halloween card she gave him back in '05 that he seems to really love. He carries it around sometimes and points to her writing, sometimes saying "na" when he does. My mom always did say that he will probably read before he can talk and maybe she was correct. Looking at pictures of her tends to evoke varied responses, depending on his mood it appears. There was one picture in the hallway of her and I that he keep turning over. The area is full of pictures of him and his family but that one particular one was the only one that he would mess with. I'd turn it right-side up and he would do the same thing. Finally he threw it down one day and I asked him if seeing that there upset him and he replied "yes". I had figured that it did bother him by the way he was acting towards it.. I just really wanted him to communicate to me that fact. I'm not sure why that picture of her and I upset him so much but I was glad he was able to convey to me that it did. I often wonder if he feels loss on a different level than the rest of us. The night she passed he was very intuned with me and seemed to know she was gone before I could even tell him. He kept stroking my cheek as I was speaking to him about it and looked me intently in the eyes as well. He is the master of non-verbal communication in my opinion.
I wish I had some insight as to what his future holds, but does any parent really know what is in store for their child? You just do your very best to give them what they need to succeed, teach them the differences between right and wrong, and give them all the love and support they need. Parents of children with special needs are really no different in that respect. What sets us apart from parents of typically developed kids is that we do have to sit back and see our kids struggle more than some other parents witness. That being said I still wouldn't trade any aspect of Nick for a child with more abilities. He is perfect the way he is. Thank God for him.
I love to watch him when he isn't aware I am doing so and see how he observes his surroundings. He really fascinates me and I try to see things the way he does with those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. Everything seems to fascinate him and he has many interests. I still am waiting to see what special gift he was blessed with. Many people on the spectrum have something that they are able to do that sets them apart from others. For a while I was convinced that his had to do with numbers; they interested him and amused him as well. His love of the written word in any form has been one constant in his life since he was a baby. Like his mom he adores books and almost always has one or more near him. He really loves the grocery ads as well. Nothing makes him happier than scattering them across the kitchen table and pointing out to me what he likes or having me tell him what the items are. He can also identify things when I ask them what they are with amazing accuracy. Taking him out to places like stores and restaurants can be dicey situations as I never know if something will upset him or his mood will change to the point that being out in public isn't a fun option for either of us or the people we might be around. I still plug away and take him out despite this though. I honestly think that I'd be doing him a disservice if I didn't. He has the same rights as anyone else to be out there.. if he acts up I do my best to take him out of the environment as quickly as possible. I think if I were to avoid taking him out that would send the message to others, and perhaps even Nick, that I am using the fact that there are times when it really is very hard to do that, as an excuse not to. So what if it can be difficult? He's worth all the effort it takes to do anything with and for.. it's as simple as that. Sad to me that others don't seem to get that but that is just how it is.
Nick still shows in some ways that he is still feeling the loss of my mom. The summer she was diagnosed as terminal she made a bear for him at Build-A-Bear that she recorded her voice in for him. I keep the bear on a high shelf but Nick will get down the bear from time to time and cuddle with it, pushing it to hear her voice. My mom was the type of person who helped keep Hallmark in business as she bought cards for nearly every occasion. There is a Halloween card she gave him back in '05 that he seems to really love. He carries it around sometimes and points to her writing, sometimes saying "na" when he does. My mom always did say that he will probably read before he can talk and maybe she was correct. Looking at pictures of her tends to evoke varied responses, depending on his mood it appears. There was one picture in the hallway of her and I that he keep turning over. The area is full of pictures of him and his family but that one particular one was the only one that he would mess with. I'd turn it right-side up and he would do the same thing. Finally he threw it down one day and I asked him if seeing that there upset him and he replied "yes". I had figured that it did bother him by the way he was acting towards it.. I just really wanted him to communicate to me that fact. I'm not sure why that picture of her and I upset him so much but I was glad he was able to convey to me that it did. I often wonder if he feels loss on a different level than the rest of us. The night she passed he was very intuned with me and seemed to know she was gone before I could even tell him. He kept stroking my cheek as I was speaking to him about it and looked me intently in the eyes as well. He is the master of non-verbal communication in my opinion.
I wish I had some insight as to what his future holds, but does any parent really know what is in store for their child? You just do your very best to give them what they need to succeed, teach them the differences between right and wrong, and give them all the love and support they need. Parents of children with special needs are really no different in that respect. What sets us apart from parents of typically developed kids is that we do have to sit back and see our kids struggle more than some other parents witness. That being said I still wouldn't trade any aspect of Nick for a child with more abilities. He is perfect the way he is. Thank God for him.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Last post of the year.. and decade.
I find it so hard to believe that the first decade of the 21st century is about to be over with. All New Year's eves find me being very introspective and thinking of the year that's about to end and this one isn't an exception. The big difference is that I am thinking of the decade gone by as well and how much changed in that time span. I've had loved ones come and go, became a parent, a homeowner, and feel as if I am come into my own. In short -- I grew up.
The years 2007-2009 were, without a doubt, the hardest ones for me and the people I love. Many changes, sorrow, hardship, and struggles characterize those years. I am an optomist.. I believe that things will turn around. If I didn't have that mindset I don't know how I'd face the future. I believe that my child will continue to flourish in his therapies and rise to the level that is possible for him to function independantly in society. I never let myself think of things being any other way. My hopes may not come true but they won't for a lack of faith on my part in his ability to do so. He's amazing, brilliant, and so very capable of so much more than he shows at this point. He's simply the best and truly the best thing to not only happen to me in this past decade but my whole life. I'm a lucky mama.
As far as the sad things that happened this past decade - the loss of my mom, dog, and father-in-law.. well, those still sting and always will, I am sure. To deal with those blows I tend to think often of just how lucky I was to have them in my life in the first place. It's that type of thinking that allows me to cope with the pain of losing someone. The facts of life, like death itself, may rob us of the people we love but nothing can erase good memories.
Here's to hoping that the next decade brings joy, happiness, and much less strife to my life and those around me.
Happy New Year :)
The years 2007-2009 were, without a doubt, the hardest ones for me and the people I love. Many changes, sorrow, hardship, and struggles characterize those years. I am an optomist.. I believe that things will turn around. If I didn't have that mindset I don't know how I'd face the future. I believe that my child will continue to flourish in his therapies and rise to the level that is possible for him to function independantly in society. I never let myself think of things being any other way. My hopes may not come true but they won't for a lack of faith on my part in his ability to do so. He's amazing, brilliant, and so very capable of so much more than he shows at this point. He's simply the best and truly the best thing to not only happen to me in this past decade but my whole life. I'm a lucky mama.
As far as the sad things that happened this past decade - the loss of my mom, dog, and father-in-law.. well, those still sting and always will, I am sure. To deal with those blows I tend to think often of just how lucky I was to have them in my life in the first place. It's that type of thinking that allows me to cope with the pain of losing someone. The facts of life, like death itself, may rob us of the people we love but nothing can erase good memories.
Here's to hoping that the next decade brings joy, happiness, and much less strife to my life and those around me.
Happy New Year :)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
About my mom..
Try as I may I cannot sum up my mom in a few sentences or by using some of the common adjectives that one usually uses to describe someone that they love. To me my mom was more than the sum of her parts and was a force of nature. I believe I have already used that expression to describe her and it really does or did fit. One of the hardest parts of losing her is remembering to use the past tense while describing her. I still find myself using the present tense alot and I am sure that's very common.
Like most of us my mom was on a quest her whole life to find love. She never really felt it from her own mother so she chose - yes, chose - to become a mother at a very young age. She believed that by having me she could create a person who would always love her and help fill the empty void that was inside her. To say she had bad luck with men was an understatement. I like to think of it this way.. my mom was blessed with two great males in her life.. her father and my son. One way to see it is that her life was bookended by the presence of those two great guys. She began her life with my sweet grandpa who was devoted to her and ended it with my son who felt the same about his Nana. My grandpa was one of the most wonderful, kind, caring men to have ever lived and well, the little man who brought her so much joy at the end is pretty damn great as well.
One of my most favorite things about my mom was the simple fact that she was completely incapable of being phony and hated any bullshit of any kind. She was honest with her emotions but had tact and never wielded her words as weapons as some do. You always knew where you stood with her - I think anyone who knew her would agree with me on that. She hated pretense with a passion and was open to all types of people.
To my mom her friends were as important as family. She didn't grow up close to her only sibling, my uncle Frank, but they later developed a loving relationship. The friends she was fortunate to collect over the years became the family she wasn't close to. Just this past week I have received a few phone calls from the people who were close to her for many years and stayed loyal until the end. One thing about my mom that shows quite a bit about her character is the fact that she wasn't a fair weather friend to those in her life. If she loved you, you knew it and she was the type who would back you to the wall and unleash her claws on those who tried to cause her loved ones harm. When I was a little girl I used to think she placed too much emphasis on her friends, but as I grew up I understood that it was her friends who sustained her when life threw many challenges her way. She had it very rough as a single mom to my brother and I and if it wasn't for the people who rallied around her she may have crumbled under the pressure.
I know I have spoken at length about how much my child meant to my mom and it's so very true. She had wanted to become a grandparent for many years and was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Although we had had our disagreements in the past my son coming along mended all those fences and bound us together. She was so involved in every aspect of my pregnancy yet did it in the most respectable, non-intrusive way possible. She was understanding of my decision to not have family present in the delivery room and never pressured me to change my mind. My mom was just like that.. very accepting and had the best habit of letting me make my own decision without over-stepping any boundaries with me. I was the same with her.. if she wanted to tell me something, she would. I always knew she had her reasons if she chose to not share something with me and I never felt slighted. You know the expression that women often turn into their mothers? Well, I can see shades of my mom in me, for sure. I had seen them before she passed but even more so in the year since.
This whole week leading up to the anniversary of her passing has been a hard one for me. I keep thinking of how she was a year ago and so close to death. A year ago all she wished for was to free of her pain - she even said that out loud. She was ready to die and end that suffering that plagued her. When she did die I felt some relief but a year later that is magnified. I understand that was keeping me from feeling total relief then was my own selfish feelings of loss. I don't knock myself for them because I think that's a natural reaction when you lose someone. You wonder how you'll make it without them and what your life will look and feel like without them around. I did that and sometimes I still do wonder what my life will be like while I am continuing to learn to live without her. If I had to describe to someone what it has felt for me without her the best I could do is to liken it to jumping out of an airplane and not knowing for sure if your parachute will work. I've had moments where I felt like I was free falling and wasn't sure if anyone else could catch me. That's not to put down the people that are in my life that provide me with love and support at all.. it's just that nobody did that like my mom and I highly doubt anyone could ever again.
One thing that makes me both laugh and cry a bit is when I think of all the things she said to me in the morphine induced state she was in for the last week of her life. She and I had some wonderful bonding moments those last few days, particularly when nobody else was there and I was sitting at her bedside. She never lost her spunk or sense of humor, even telling me to shut up the day before she died when my fussing over her became annoying and then asking me when I left the room afterwards if she had pissed me off to the point where I wasn't going to come back. I remember laughing and telling her that I would be there as long as she was. And I was and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Today, December 10th marks a whole year since she lost her fight. I don't see it as her leaving us because in so many ways she is still here. I feel her presence often, especially when I am with my son. When he and I have our quiet moments I will often talk about her and tell him that she loves him. His response is generally to smile and sometimes say her name. Nick and his na, as he called her, forged an awesome bond. One of the things I miss most is seeing them both light up when they saw each other. I don't think my son could've asked for a better na and one of the saddest things about her not being around anymore is how much he'll miss out on that. I do my best to keep the memory of her alive as my mom did for me and my brother when my grandpa died. I'd say she misses out too except I really do believe she is still with us. I can't call her up and tell her the really, super cute thing that he just did but it's ok - she already knows.
It's been a year and the pain has dulled a bit but days like today open up that wound just a little. I am sad today but I feel comforted knowing she's in a better place and is at peace. That's all I could ask for concerning her. She suffered and wanted that to end and since none of us are ever presented with a third option in that case, what happened to her by passing on is for the best. That being said I still allow myself to feel some grief. I love and miss her and I know I always will.
Try as I may I cannot sum up my mom in a few sentences or by using some of the common adjectives that one usually uses to describe someone that they love. To me my mom was more than the sum of her parts and was a force of nature. I believe I have already used that expression to describe her and it really does or did fit. One of the hardest parts of losing her is remembering to use the past tense while describing her. I still find myself using the present tense alot and I am sure that's very common.
Like most of us my mom was on a quest her whole life to find love. She never really felt it from her own mother so she chose - yes, chose - to become a mother at a very young age. She believed that by having me she could create a person who would always love her and help fill the empty void that was inside her. To say she had bad luck with men was an understatement. I like to think of it this way.. my mom was blessed with two great males in her life.. her father and my son. One way to see it is that her life was bookended by the presence of those two great guys. She began her life with my sweet grandpa who was devoted to her and ended it with my son who felt the same about his Nana. My grandpa was one of the most wonderful, kind, caring men to have ever lived and well, the little man who brought her so much joy at the end is pretty damn great as well.
One of my most favorite things about my mom was the simple fact that she was completely incapable of being phony and hated any bullshit of any kind. She was honest with her emotions but had tact and never wielded her words as weapons as some do. You always knew where you stood with her - I think anyone who knew her would agree with me on that. She hated pretense with a passion and was open to all types of people.
To my mom her friends were as important as family. She didn't grow up close to her only sibling, my uncle Frank, but they later developed a loving relationship. The friends she was fortunate to collect over the years became the family she wasn't close to. Just this past week I have received a few phone calls from the people who were close to her for many years and stayed loyal until the end. One thing about my mom that shows quite a bit about her character is the fact that she wasn't a fair weather friend to those in her life. If she loved you, you knew it and she was the type who would back you to the wall and unleash her claws on those who tried to cause her loved ones harm. When I was a little girl I used to think she placed too much emphasis on her friends, but as I grew up I understood that it was her friends who sustained her when life threw many challenges her way. She had it very rough as a single mom to my brother and I and if it wasn't for the people who rallied around her she may have crumbled under the pressure.
I know I have spoken at length about how much my child meant to my mom and it's so very true. She had wanted to become a grandparent for many years and was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Although we had had our disagreements in the past my son coming along mended all those fences and bound us together. She was so involved in every aspect of my pregnancy yet did it in the most respectable, non-intrusive way possible. She was understanding of my decision to not have family present in the delivery room and never pressured me to change my mind. My mom was just like that.. very accepting and had the best habit of letting me make my own decision without over-stepping any boundaries with me. I was the same with her.. if she wanted to tell me something, she would. I always knew she had her reasons if she chose to not share something with me and I never felt slighted. You know the expression that women often turn into their mothers? Well, I can see shades of my mom in me, for sure. I had seen them before she passed but even more so in the year since.
This whole week leading up to the anniversary of her passing has been a hard one for me. I keep thinking of how she was a year ago and so close to death. A year ago all she wished for was to free of her pain - she even said that out loud. She was ready to die and end that suffering that plagued her. When she did die I felt some relief but a year later that is magnified. I understand that was keeping me from feeling total relief then was my own selfish feelings of loss. I don't knock myself for them because I think that's a natural reaction when you lose someone. You wonder how you'll make it without them and what your life will look and feel like without them around. I did that and sometimes I still do wonder what my life will be like while I am continuing to learn to live without her. If I had to describe to someone what it has felt for me without her the best I could do is to liken it to jumping out of an airplane and not knowing for sure if your parachute will work. I've had moments where I felt like I was free falling and wasn't sure if anyone else could catch me. That's not to put down the people that are in my life that provide me with love and support at all.. it's just that nobody did that like my mom and I highly doubt anyone could ever again.
One thing that makes me both laugh and cry a bit is when I think of all the things she said to me in the morphine induced state she was in for the last week of her life. She and I had some wonderful bonding moments those last few days, particularly when nobody else was there and I was sitting at her bedside. She never lost her spunk or sense of humor, even telling me to shut up the day before she died when my fussing over her became annoying and then asking me when I left the room afterwards if she had pissed me off to the point where I wasn't going to come back. I remember laughing and telling her that I would be there as long as she was. And I was and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Today, December 10th marks a whole year since she lost her fight. I don't see it as her leaving us because in so many ways she is still here. I feel her presence often, especially when I am with my son. When he and I have our quiet moments I will often talk about her and tell him that she loves him. His response is generally to smile and sometimes say her name. Nick and his na, as he called her, forged an awesome bond. One of the things I miss most is seeing them both light up when they saw each other. I don't think my son could've asked for a better na and one of the saddest things about her not being around anymore is how much he'll miss out on that. I do my best to keep the memory of her alive as my mom did for me and my brother when my grandpa died. I'd say she misses out too except I really do believe she is still with us. I can't call her up and tell her the really, super cute thing that he just did but it's ok - she already knows.
It's been a year and the pain has dulled a bit but days like today open up that wound just a little. I am sad today but I feel comforted knowing she's in a better place and is at peace. That's all I could ask for concerning her. She suffered and wanted that to end and since none of us are ever presented with a third option in that case, what happened to her by passing on is for the best. That being said I still allow myself to feel some grief. I love and miss her and I know I always will.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The cutest little Vulcan boy ever!
This Halloween Nicky went out dressed up as Mr. Spock. Timely costume since the movie was such a big hit over the summer. I imagined that he'd look cute as that but he surpassed even my expectations! He was a great sport that night and wore the ears and let me paint on exaggerated dark eyebrows to complete the look. The only thing he didn't want to do was sit still for pictures - there was too much going on and candy to be had, it appears.
I was so proud of my little guy that night and think he was adorable in that costume.. I realize I already mentioned that but he was cute enough for it to be stressed yet again.
I was so proud of my little guy that night and think he was adorable in that costume.. I realize I already mentioned that but he was cute enough for it to be stressed yet again.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I spent my birthday exactly as I had hoped I would, with my mother at the beach where she had requested her ashes to be placed. Going over there alone was what I needed to do on that day, my birthday gift to myself. I set out in late morning and spent about an hour and a half at what will forever be known to me as her beach. It was very chilly that day and there were only two people on the beach the whole time I was there. That solitude was an added bonus to the whole experience for me. I really did want to be alone with her and feel free to show my emotions while there. And show them I did.. the emotions I felt that day being with her there ran the gamut from happy to sad, with just about every emotion in between. I really did feel her presence too. I sat there and listened to music on my Ipod, songs I knew she loved. I spoke to her at length, even though I knew she already was aware of everything I was saying to her even before I spoke. If she was alive I would have spent the day with her; going over there was the one way I still could. The cool ocean breezes and the wonderful smell of salt water soothed me as I stood there near the surf. Each deep breath of that felt like heaven to me. Scent memory is such a powerful thing for me so I put some the scent that mom always wore, Skin Musk, on a sweatshirt and took it with me to be able to both feel her and smell her at the same time. That was a powerful combination but so comforting at the same time.
Here are some pictures I took that day..
This is a picture of the campground/beach sign. The significance of this beach lies in the name and I wanted to get a pic of that. My mom's last name her whole life was Wright and when I told her about this beach and took her there the summer before she died she told me she couldn't think of a better place to be set free.
This last picture is my personal favorite taken that day. I love the way the water is stretched out like a sheet.
Thank you again to all my friends who helped me ring in my 40th birthday and all of those who sent birthday wishes, even if they were in the form of a countdown to my 50th birthday. That person knows who he is but I can get great joy in knowing he'll make it there before I do, so HA!
Here are some pictures I took that day..
This is a picture of the campground/beach sign. The significance of this beach lies in the name and I wanted to get a pic of that. My mom's last name her whole life was Wright and when I told her about this beach and took her there the summer before she died she told me she couldn't think of a better place to be set free.
This last picture is my personal favorite taken that day. I love the way the water is stretched out like a sheet.
Thank you again to all my friends who helped me ring in my 40th birthday and all of those who sent birthday wishes, even if they were in the form of a countdown to my 50th birthday. That person knows who he is but I can get great joy in knowing he'll make it there before I do, so HA!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
A woman on the verge...
Of turning 40
My fortieth birthday is tomorrow and I am not as ambivilent about that coming milestone as I had thought I would be. Yes, 40 sounds old, even compared to 39 but it's not the end of the world. I am choosing to see my 40's as my prime. My mom had always said that life begins at that age. She was at a place at that age where both of her children were nearly grown - I was 23 and my brother was 17 - and she felt good about her place in her life. My child is far from grown and I see my life as work in progress. I like to think of how I viewed myself ten years ago when I was on the cusp of my thirties and compare that to how I see myself now. There is no question that I view myself and my life as a whole in a more favorable light. I see my thirties as the most tranistional decade of my life so far. Many changes happened during that time span and I feel as if I came into my own during that decade. I experienced the greatest joy of my life as well as the greatest sorrrow. Becoming a mom was obviously the high point and losing my own took any sorrow I had felt before to a new depth.
The biggest reason for this personal growth is that my 30's ushered me into my most special period thus far - motherhood. Becoming a mom made me not only realize my womanhood but wish to celebrate it as well. I had a renewed respect for what my body was able to do, even though women have been doing that for eons. For me it was a unique experience that made me feel more like a woman than I had ever felt before. That feeling continued for me even after having my baby. I really think that motherhood made me complete. That is not to say that a woman needs to be a mother to feel that way; I am only saying that it helped fulfill me that way. Before then I wondered exactly what my purpose was - with having Nick I finally knew and felt like I had contributed something worthwile to not only my life but everyone around me.
What will my 40's bring?? Who knows.. but I can say this - I am ready for whatever life throws my way. Even though I often feel weak I know I am stronger than I have ever been. I am entering my first decade without the person who has always been there for me yet I don't feel as alone as I had thought I would. She's still with me, just not physically here. I am sad that she's not here to celebrate my birthday with me, but she is with me.
My fortieth birthday is tomorrow and I am not as ambivilent about that coming milestone as I had thought I would be. Yes, 40 sounds old, even compared to 39 but it's not the end of the world. I am choosing to see my 40's as my prime. My mom had always said that life begins at that age. She was at a place at that age where both of her children were nearly grown - I was 23 and my brother was 17 - and she felt good about her place in her life. My child is far from grown and I see my life as work in progress. I like to think of how I viewed myself ten years ago when I was on the cusp of my thirties and compare that to how I see myself now. There is no question that I view myself and my life as a whole in a more favorable light. I see my thirties as the most tranistional decade of my life so far. Many changes happened during that time span and I feel as if I came into my own during that decade. I experienced the greatest joy of my life as well as the greatest sorrrow. Becoming a mom was obviously the high point and losing my own took any sorrow I had felt before to a new depth.
The biggest reason for this personal growth is that my 30's ushered me into my most special period thus far - motherhood. Becoming a mom made me not only realize my womanhood but wish to celebrate it as well. I had a renewed respect for what my body was able to do, even though women have been doing that for eons. For me it was a unique experience that made me feel more like a woman than I had ever felt before. That feeling continued for me even after having my baby. I really think that motherhood made me complete. That is not to say that a woman needs to be a mother to feel that way; I am only saying that it helped fulfill me that way. Before then I wondered exactly what my purpose was - with having Nick I finally knew and felt like I had contributed something worthwile to not only my life but everyone around me.
What will my 40's bring?? Who knows.. but I can say this - I am ready for whatever life throws my way. Even though I often feel weak I know I am stronger than I have ever been. I am entering my first decade without the person who has always been there for me yet I don't feel as alone as I had thought I would. She's still with me, just not physically here. I am sad that she's not here to celebrate my birthday with me, but she is with me.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
My mom was one of those very lucky people who was able to cultivate many long-lasting friendships. Her oldest and dearest friends were a couple whose daughter is my age. The girl and I didn't stay friends but her parents and my mom were able to stay close until my mom died. One of the saddest tasks that I had the afternoon she died was to call them and let them she had passed. Many calls were made for me but calling them was the one I chose to tackle. The moment Laura answered the phone she knew why I had called. She was expecting this, as we all were, but was nevertheless shaken by the news. I don't remember much of that conversation but do recall both of us laughing, crying, and trying to comfort each other. Laura and her husband Greg were just two of the people whose lives were touched by my mom. Another such person was her friend Michelle. They knew each other for a slightly shorter length of time but had a bond that was a wonderful thing to see. For nearly a quarter of a century my mom and Michelle together went through all that life threw in their direction. My mom was there when both of Michelle's daughters were born, as well as one of her granddaughters. They worked together, played along side each other, and had an uncanny ability to finish each others sentences. Michelle was right there with my mom throughout her illness and took her to all of the appointments that I was unable to take her to. She was also the person who was with her when she passed on. On the Saturday prior to my mom's passing Michelle began to feel ill so she stayed away for a few days. She felt well enough on Wednesday to come over and visit. I had been there all morning long, only leaving for a short while to visit a friend who was leaving town. When I knew my mom was in good hands with her closest friend I decided to go home for a while to see my boy. It was when I went home that she passed away. Her friend was meant to be there to witness that, not me. I had told her when I left that afternoon that I was OK with her leaving and that I only wanted her to be at peace. I had begun to say that to her each time I went home over the previous four days. I didn't think she was waiting for my permission or anything, but I did think it was important to let her know I was ready to let her go.
I think it's such a beautiful tribute to the friendship that my mom and Michelle had that she chose to leave while her friend was at her side. Some may argue that we don't chose that but I disagree. They experienced all the cycles of life together prior to my mom's passing and with her being there for that they truly did go full circle together. I don't see Michelle very often anymore but I do feel like I am experiencing a bit of my mom still being here with me when I am around her. Even hugging her feels like a hug from my mom.. that warm, enveloping feeling that only a mom can give to her child.
Today is the nine month anniversary of her passing. The pain is still there on a daily basis as is the feeling that something very vital is missing from my life. I sometimes wish I was one of those people for whom the passing of a parent was a fairly easy thing but I think it's a tribute to how close we were that it has not been an easy transition. I do my best not to dwell on my sadness, I really do, but on each monthly anniversary of her leaving it feels like the wound opens up just a little. I'm really dreading the year anniversary in three months. I know she wouldn't want me to dwell on her death but celebrate her life instead. I am hoping that will become easier in the years to come. The old adage about time being the best healer is true but it is so slow. William Shakespeare said that grief makes one hour ten and that is something I can definitely relate to. I don't expect to ever be completely free of sadness regarding her passing, but I do hope that when I come to point of acceptance - the final stage of grief - it will become more real to me and going on will be easier. Time not only heals but it will tell, I suppose.
I think it's such a beautiful tribute to the friendship that my mom and Michelle had that she chose to leave while her friend was at her side. Some may argue that we don't chose that but I disagree. They experienced all the cycles of life together prior to my mom's passing and with her being there for that they truly did go full circle together. I don't see Michelle very often anymore but I do feel like I am experiencing a bit of my mom still being here with me when I am around her. Even hugging her feels like a hug from my mom.. that warm, enveloping feeling that only a mom can give to her child.
Today is the nine month anniversary of her passing. The pain is still there on a daily basis as is the feeling that something very vital is missing from my life. I sometimes wish I was one of those people for whom the passing of a parent was a fairly easy thing but I think it's a tribute to how close we were that it has not been an easy transition. I do my best not to dwell on my sadness, I really do, but on each monthly anniversary of her leaving it feels like the wound opens up just a little. I'm really dreading the year anniversary in three months. I know she wouldn't want me to dwell on her death but celebrate her life instead. I am hoping that will become easier in the years to come. The old adage about time being the best healer is true but it is so slow. William Shakespeare said that grief makes one hour ten and that is something I can definitely relate to. I don't expect to ever be completely free of sadness regarding her passing, but I do hope that when I come to point of acceptance - the final stage of grief - it will become more real to me and going on will be easier. Time not only heals but it will tell, I suppose.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I came across a list recently that I really wanted to share here and comment on.
The Nine 'Rules' For Parents Of A Child With Special Needs
1. Take one day at a time, and take that day positively. You don't have control over the future, but you do have control over today.
Such an important thing to think about.. as a parent of a special needs child I worry about his future perhaps a bit more than the parent of a typically developed kid. Truth be told, there isn't a damn thing I can do about beyond giving him access to the therapies he needs, doing my part in implementing their teaching tactics, and providing my son with all the love and encouragement I can muster up.
2. Never underestimate your child's potential. Allow, encourage, and expect your child to develop to the best of his abilities.
I hope I do that consistently, especially the first part about never underestimating him. I think that if he were to ever see me do that he will follow suit.
3. Find and allow positive mentors: parents and professionals who can share with your their experiences, advice, and support.
I need to work on this.. I do have a great friend whose son is the same age as mine. She and I have been on this journey together for a long time. More about her later though..
4. Provide and be involved with the most appropriate educational learning environments for your child from infancy on.
This is one rule that I pride myself in being a stickler on. I have been involved in each aspect of his education thus far and have accompanied his classes on each of their field trips. I think I have just as much fun as the boy does and it gives me to chance to get to know and talk with his teachers and aides.
5. Keep in mind the feelings and needs of your spouse and your other children. Remind them that this child does not get more of your love just because this child needs/gets more of your time.
Ok, ok.. I'll concede that I am guilty on this one. The needs of everyone, including myself, have all taken a back seat to Nick.
6. Answer only to your conscience; then you will be able to answer to your child. Allow yourself jealousy, anger, pity, frustration, and depression in small amounts whenever necessary.
This is another hard one.. I don't like to allow myself to feel those feelings too often. When I think of my son's disability I honestly try to see it only from his standpoint and how it effects him. Yes, I am effected by my son being autistic but not in the same league he is. To feel those feelings mentioned would make me feel like I am being ungrateful for just what an amazing guy he is.
7. Be kind to yourself. Don't focus continually on what needs to be done. Remember to look at what you've accomplished.
I honestly do try to work on this one. I know that Nick is happier when I am too so taking that in account makes me wish to do things that benefit us both.
8. Stop to smell the roses. Take advantage of the fact that you have gained a special appreciation for the little miracles that others take for granted.
I really like this one and totally agree. I am ever grateful for anything my child says and praise him for every attempt at communication.
9. Keep and use your sense of humor. Cracking up with laughter can keep you from cracking up with stress.
Also, very true. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a goofy sense of humor. I truly believe that wit is an important element in keeping ones sanity.
I'd like to post something here about a great lady that I admire and love. Five years ago I met Taria on an online baby site. We're clear across the country from each other yet became great friends. Our boys are the same age and are both autistic. She's been my partner on this journey through diagnoses, therapies, and the tracking of our boys progresses. I am grateful for her sense of humor and kindness and think she's an amazing person. This afternoon she gave birth to her much wanted second child and I couldn't be happier for her. Welcome to the world, Justin.. you are a lucky little man indeed. Love ya, T :)
The Nine 'Rules' For Parents Of A Child With Special Needs
1. Take one day at a time, and take that day positively. You don't have control over the future, but you do have control over today.
Such an important thing to think about.. as a parent of a special needs child I worry about his future perhaps a bit more than the parent of a typically developed kid. Truth be told, there isn't a damn thing I can do about beyond giving him access to the therapies he needs, doing my part in implementing their teaching tactics, and providing my son with all the love and encouragement I can muster up.
2. Never underestimate your child's potential. Allow, encourage, and expect your child to develop to the best of his abilities.
I hope I do that consistently, especially the first part about never underestimating him. I think that if he were to ever see me do that he will follow suit.
3. Find and allow positive mentors: parents and professionals who can share with your their experiences, advice, and support.
I need to work on this.. I do have a great friend whose son is the same age as mine. She and I have been on this journey together for a long time. More about her later though..
4. Provide and be involved with the most appropriate educational learning environments for your child from infancy on.
This is one rule that I pride myself in being a stickler on. I have been involved in each aspect of his education thus far and have accompanied his classes on each of their field trips. I think I have just as much fun as the boy does and it gives me to chance to get to know and talk with his teachers and aides.
5. Keep in mind the feelings and needs of your spouse and your other children. Remind them that this child does not get more of your love just because this child needs/gets more of your time.
Ok, ok.. I'll concede that I am guilty on this one. The needs of everyone, including myself, have all taken a back seat to Nick.
6. Answer only to your conscience; then you will be able to answer to your child. Allow yourself jealousy, anger, pity, frustration, and depression in small amounts whenever necessary.
This is another hard one.. I don't like to allow myself to feel those feelings too often. When I think of my son's disability I honestly try to see it only from his standpoint and how it effects him. Yes, I am effected by my son being autistic but not in the same league he is. To feel those feelings mentioned would make me feel like I am being ungrateful for just what an amazing guy he is.
7. Be kind to yourself. Don't focus continually on what needs to be done. Remember to look at what you've accomplished.
I honestly do try to work on this one. I know that Nick is happier when I am too so taking that in account makes me wish to do things that benefit us both.
8. Stop to smell the roses. Take advantage of the fact that you have gained a special appreciation for the little miracles that others take for granted.
I really like this one and totally agree. I am ever grateful for anything my child says and praise him for every attempt at communication.
9. Keep and use your sense of humor. Cracking up with laughter can keep you from cracking up with stress.
Also, very true. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a goofy sense of humor. I truly believe that wit is an important element in keeping ones sanity.
I'd like to post something here about a great lady that I admire and love. Five years ago I met Taria on an online baby site. We're clear across the country from each other yet became great friends. Our boys are the same age and are both autistic. She's been my partner on this journey through diagnoses, therapies, and the tracking of our boys progresses. I am grateful for her sense of humor and kindness and think she's an amazing person. This afternoon she gave birth to her much wanted second child and I couldn't be happier for her. Welcome to the world, Justin.. you are a lucky little man indeed. Love ya, T :)
Monday, August 17, 2009
First day of school
Nick went back to school this morning after a month and a half long break. His old class was merged with another special needs class at a different school than he had been attending. Budget cuts forced the school district to combine classes and now he's back at a school he attended for the half of his kindergarten year. That particular class wasn't a good fit for him so I arranged to have him transferred to one that his teacher and I felt was a better match. It was a gamble that paid off as it proved to be an environment that was better suited to his particular needs. He will still have the same teacher he's had for the last year and a half and I am so grateful for that. Sadly none of the aides that he'd become used to and fond of made the switch to the new campus so that will be an adjustment for Nick as well as his classmates. I drove him to school this morning to help make the transition easier for him. He seemed a bit confused when we first got there but smiled and hugged his teacher when he saw her. I think as long as Nick has some familiar faces he will be fine. Thankfully he does well with change, for the most part. He adjusts fairly quickly to new situations and people as well.
I was bound and determined to take a couple of pics of my now second grader this morning.. as you can see he was not making it easy for his snap happy mama:
One can tell from looking at these pictures that he was tired and just not in a cooperating mood today. I show them here because I came to a conclusion a long time ago and that is this - my child is so photogenic that there is no such thing as a bad picture of him. I'm insanely proud of him hence the constant sharing.
I was bound and determined to take a couple of pics of my now second grader this morning.. as you can see he was not making it easy for his snap happy mama:
One can tell from looking at these pictures that he was tired and just not in a cooperating mood today. I show them here because I came to a conclusion a long time ago and that is this - my child is so photogenic that there is no such thing as a bad picture of him. I'm insanely proud of him hence the constant sharing.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Happy Birthday baby boy!
Consider some stats here..
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
7:48 PM
7lbs 9oz, 20 inches long
Black of hair, blue eyes
Lips the color of cherry kool aid
A very proud, exhausted mama there to gape at him in amazement when he was handed to me for the first time
Thursday, August 13, 2009
50 lbs even, 47 inches
Light brown hair, eyes a lovely mix of gray and green
Still in possession of the nicest set of lips known to man
A very proud, often tired mama who still thinks the sun rises and sets on that little dude
I cannot believe my baby is seven years old today. That doesn't seem possible at all. Sometimes if I really try I can remember how it felt to have him living in my body. All that time spent connected, literally and in every other way you could possibly imagine. I wasn't one of those women who loved being pregnant but I enjoyed that connection with my child while he was still my passenger. I recall laying there feeling him move and imagining how different my life will be when he would be moving on the outside instead. Looking back I don't think I had a clue. I knew of love before I met him but not of this strain. I suppose my first aha moment of how things were to about to be so different from before was that feeling I felt when I finally got to meet my boy. I was dumbfounded, for sure. A completely surreal feeling washed over me.. It was amazing to think that this person I was holding had emerged from my body and was my child. I'm a highly emotional person by nature but I was too overwhelmed to cry when I first saw him. The tears and realization that he was indeed here and mine came later on that night. I remember trying to feed him and looking down at his little face and having it all hit me at once - the love I felt for him and the feeling of total bliss and contentment.
Seven years later those feelings are still there, magnified times ten. He has brought so much to my world that I could spend the rest of my life thanking him for making it a better place and it wouldn't be enough. His smiles are my own form of Valium; soothing me when not much else even stands the chance. There has never been another person who has made me feel more loved and valued than that little man. Since the night he was born we've had this amazing bond. People have often said that we are each other's world and I happen to agree and that fact is one of the things in life that I am most grateful for. I've always seen some good examples of how good the mother/son bond could be and I am so grateful I was given the chance to forage that with my little man.
Life has thrown us some twists and turns in the past seven years and the only constant has been the great bond we've had. When he was diagnosed with Autism I honestly didn't know if I was capable of raising a special needs child .. I often wondered if I could rise to the task for him and give him all that he needs to thrive. I still have my days where I wonder that. Supermom I am not, but I am a very loving one and make it my goal that my child is on a constant drip of love from me. It's paramount to me that he knows I accept him as well. I am grateful for each of his abilities and hold out hope that the remaining areas of deficit will show progress. I am thankful that he only has Autism and not an incurable condition and I am so acutely aware of how lucky I am that he is able to express and receive affection. With him not being verbal enough to say "I love you, mama" it would be quite hard if he wasn't the type to express those sentiments with endless kisses and hugs. Thankfully he's a total mush box and I am the lucky one who reaps the benefits of that the most. As I said before, I don't let myself wish he was typically developed. He is who he is and I happen to think that he's amazing, sweet, very smart and simply the cutest boy ever. Bias much, right? You bet!
One of my favorite children's books is one called "I Love You as Much..." Each page of the book shows a baby animal with its mother and is told in a lullaby rhyme form. The mother whale says to her child, "I love you as much as the ocean is deep" and the mother mountain goat tells her baby that she loves him as much as the mountain is steep and so forth. Beautiful sentiments in all but my favorite passage accompanies a depiction of a human mother and her sleeping child and the last line of the book is as follows:
"Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above - I love you as much as a mother can love"
I cannot read that line without tearing up. Such heartfelt words that I completely agree with. There is nothing like that love and I think.. no, I know that I lucked out being given this child. A great person recently said to me that Nick got a break when the big guy handed out moms. Quite flattering but I think it's very mutual. I couldn't ask for a more loving, sweet boy to call my son. I'm so proud of him and intend to spend the rest of my life making him aware of how special he is to me and everyone who knows him. Part of that is because it's my job as his parent and another reason is that I know it is exactly what his Nana would have wanted to do if she had not been taken from him so soon. This is his first birthday without her and as with every first, it's painful. She was always a big part of his birthday and came over for dinner each year on that day to celebrate his day. Her chair may be empty this year but her spirit is with him, I know that.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful bubbalicious boy. Mama loves you!
Here is a video montage I made of some of my favorite pictures of my boy.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
7:48 PM
7lbs 9oz, 20 inches long
Black of hair, blue eyes
Lips the color of cherry kool aid
A very proud, exhausted mama there to gape at him in amazement when he was handed to me for the first time
Thursday, August 13, 2009
50 lbs even, 47 inches
Light brown hair, eyes a lovely mix of gray and green
Still in possession of the nicest set of lips known to man
A very proud, often tired mama who still thinks the sun rises and sets on that little dude
I cannot believe my baby is seven years old today. That doesn't seem possible at all. Sometimes if I really try I can remember how it felt to have him living in my body. All that time spent connected, literally and in every other way you could possibly imagine. I wasn't one of those women who loved being pregnant but I enjoyed that connection with my child while he was still my passenger. I recall laying there feeling him move and imagining how different my life will be when he would be moving on the outside instead. Looking back I don't think I had a clue. I knew of love before I met him but not of this strain. I suppose my first aha moment of how things were to about to be so different from before was that feeling I felt when I finally got to meet my boy. I was dumbfounded, for sure. A completely surreal feeling washed over me.. It was amazing to think that this person I was holding had emerged from my body and was my child. I'm a highly emotional person by nature but I was too overwhelmed to cry when I first saw him. The tears and realization that he was indeed here and mine came later on that night. I remember trying to feed him and looking down at his little face and having it all hit me at once - the love I felt for him and the feeling of total bliss and contentment.
Seven years later those feelings are still there, magnified times ten. He has brought so much to my world that I could spend the rest of my life thanking him for making it a better place and it wouldn't be enough. His smiles are my own form of Valium; soothing me when not much else even stands the chance. There has never been another person who has made me feel more loved and valued than that little man. Since the night he was born we've had this amazing bond. People have often said that we are each other's world and I happen to agree and that fact is one of the things in life that I am most grateful for. I've always seen some good examples of how good the mother/son bond could be and I am so grateful I was given the chance to forage that with my little man.
Life has thrown us some twists and turns in the past seven years and the only constant has been the great bond we've had. When he was diagnosed with Autism I honestly didn't know if I was capable of raising a special needs child .. I often wondered if I could rise to the task for him and give him all that he needs to thrive. I still have my days where I wonder that. Supermom I am not, but I am a very loving one and make it my goal that my child is on a constant drip of love from me. It's paramount to me that he knows I accept him as well. I am grateful for each of his abilities and hold out hope that the remaining areas of deficit will show progress. I am thankful that he only has Autism and not an incurable condition and I am so acutely aware of how lucky I am that he is able to express and receive affection. With him not being verbal enough to say "I love you, mama" it would be quite hard if he wasn't the type to express those sentiments with endless kisses and hugs. Thankfully he's a total mush box and I am the lucky one who reaps the benefits of that the most. As I said before, I don't let myself wish he was typically developed. He is who he is and I happen to think that he's amazing, sweet, very smart and simply the cutest boy ever. Bias much, right? You bet!
One of my favorite children's books is one called "I Love You as Much..." Each page of the book shows a baby animal with its mother and is told in a lullaby rhyme form. The mother whale says to her child, "I love you as much as the ocean is deep" and the mother mountain goat tells her baby that she loves him as much as the mountain is steep and so forth. Beautiful sentiments in all but my favorite passage accompanies a depiction of a human mother and her sleeping child and the last line of the book is as follows:
"Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above - I love you as much as a mother can love"
I cannot read that line without tearing up. Such heartfelt words that I completely agree with. There is nothing like that love and I think.. no, I know that I lucked out being given this child. A great person recently said to me that Nick got a break when the big guy handed out moms. Quite flattering but I think it's very mutual. I couldn't ask for a more loving, sweet boy to call my son. I'm so proud of him and intend to spend the rest of my life making him aware of how special he is to me and everyone who knows him. Part of that is because it's my job as his parent and another reason is that I know it is exactly what his Nana would have wanted to do if she had not been taken from him so soon. This is his first birthday without her and as with every first, it's painful. She was always a big part of his birthday and came over for dinner each year on that day to celebrate his day. Her chair may be empty this year but her spirit is with him, I know that.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful bubbalicious boy. Mama loves you!
Here is a video montage I made of some of my favorite pictures of my boy.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Losses all around
This afternoon I found out that a friend of mine lost his mom to cancer. Matty is a great guy with a heart of gold and my own heart is breaking a bit thinking of what he's feeling now as well as what is to come for him and his family. I can do nothing to help, except to let him know he's in my thoughts. Sad :(
Just a while ago I found out that one of my favorite filmmakers of all time has passed. John Hughes died today at the age of 59 after a sudden heart attack in NYC. His movies defined my generation and provided me with countless hours of enjoyment. He had a knack at crafting stories that just about anyone in that age bracket could relate to. He understood teenage angst and had the ability to craft iconic characters from each gender that no other filmmaker was able to do, in my opinion. I am certain that tonight there are many people who are going to watch a movie of his and remember how great his talent was. I know I will be doing that.
Looking at a list of the movies that he is responsible for during his 80's heyday is astonishing. "National Lampoon's Vacation","Sixteen Candles" "The Breakfast Club", "Weird Science", and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" are just a few that come to mind. He tried a more grown up take in the late 80's with movies like "She's Having a Baby", a movie I later watched a couple times while pregnant with my boy. He was responsible for writing one of the biggest blockbusters of all time, "Home Alone". He pretty much faded out of the spotlight following that, only doing some screenwriting under pseudonyms.
My favorite of his movies, without a doubt, is "Sixteen Candles". It tells the story of Samantha Baker, whose 16th birthday is forgotten by her family in the midst of her older sister's impending wedding. I really have no idea how many times I've seen that movie; if I had to guess I'd say 20 or so. Of all his movies this one has the the most memorable characters and some of my favorite dialogue of the movies of this genre. Some of the characters that made this movie unforgettable are: Farmer Ted, the geek; Jake Ryan, the total hottie; the oddball set of grandparents on either side of the family and of course, the Chinese foreign exchange student, Donger - Long Duc Dong. Two of my favorite dialogue sequences that always made me giggle are these:
The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I am reading as relatively hostile
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile
Grandpa Fred: Dong. Where is my automobile
Long Duc Dong: Otto-mo-biiiile?
After hearing of his passing I searched Youtube for a clip of this gem to watch and found the original trailer.
RIP John Hughes and Rosemary Barnett
:(
Just a while ago I found out that one of my favorite filmmakers of all time has passed. John Hughes died today at the age of 59 after a sudden heart attack in NYC. His movies defined my generation and provided me with countless hours of enjoyment. He had a knack at crafting stories that just about anyone in that age bracket could relate to. He understood teenage angst and had the ability to craft iconic characters from each gender that no other filmmaker was able to do, in my opinion. I am certain that tonight there are many people who are going to watch a movie of his and remember how great his talent was. I know I will be doing that.
Looking at a list of the movies that he is responsible for during his 80's heyday is astonishing. "National Lampoon's Vacation","Sixteen Candles" "The Breakfast Club", "Weird Science", and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" are just a few that come to mind. He tried a more grown up take in the late 80's with movies like "She's Having a Baby", a movie I later watched a couple times while pregnant with my boy. He was responsible for writing one of the biggest blockbusters of all time, "Home Alone". He pretty much faded out of the spotlight following that, only doing some screenwriting under pseudonyms.
My favorite of his movies, without a doubt, is "Sixteen Candles". It tells the story of Samantha Baker, whose 16th birthday is forgotten by her family in the midst of her older sister's impending wedding. I really have no idea how many times I've seen that movie; if I had to guess I'd say 20 or so. Of all his movies this one has the the most memorable characters and some of my favorite dialogue of the movies of this genre. Some of the characters that made this movie unforgettable are: Farmer Ted, the geek; Jake Ryan, the total hottie; the oddball set of grandparents on either side of the family and of course, the Chinese foreign exchange student, Donger - Long Duc Dong. Two of my favorite dialogue sequences that always made me giggle are these:
The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I am reading as relatively hostile
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile
Grandpa Fred: Dong. Where is my automobile
Long Duc Dong: Otto-mo-biiiile?
After hearing of his passing I searched Youtube for a clip of this gem to watch and found the original trailer.
RIP John Hughes and Rosemary Barnett
:(
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Coping and Hoping
My son has begun to receive respite services from the county. Respite is a service provided to give parents of special needs kids a break. The provider is trained in the particular disability of the child and acts as a babysitter. They either take the child on a community outing or sit with them at your home. We've had both lately and it's proven to be a huge help to both the boy and myself. I get some free time and he gets to go out and experience an adventure with his new friend. He is now 5 weeks into a seven week break from school and we really haven't had a whole lot of time apart from each other in that time span. I think, for Nick and I, breaks are essential. We have a great bond and I know that I am the key person in his life as he is mine so him needing time away from me isn't something I take personally. As much as I love my child and revel in my role as his mama, I need more that that to fuel me as well. I have always thought that the moms who stayed home with their kids full-time were the real unsung heroes of this world. And I have always known that wasn't something I either wanted or would be good at it. Today is my son's third outing with his awesome new pal. He has behaved so wonderfully each time they've gone out. She's taken him to a few movies and he just sits there with a huge smile on his face the whole time, watching the movie and chomping on his popcorn. I am SO proud of my little man for being so wonderful for her! I was a bit nervous about how he'd fare with her the first time out but my fears were unfounded as he sailed through that with flying colors. I really think this respite will be good for the both of us, I only wish I had taken advantage of the opportunity a while back when it was first offered to me. Before she got sick my mom was my de facto respite provider. She cared for him so I could work on Saturdays and often when I just needed to go off and do something for me. I used to ask her often if she felt I was taking advantage of her and she'd assure me she did not. She loved to care for the little man and no amount of time spent being with him was too much for her. I appreciated that so much and always made sure she knew it. I was very secure in the knowledge that my child was being well cared for when she had him. This is one of the things I miss the most, not having her around - that security.
When my mom passed nearly 8 months ago it was such a crazy time for us. Christmas was on the horizon some two weeks later and I was so worried about how Nick was going to react towards losing her and seeing me in a sad, confused state. I went on automatic pilot following her passing and bottled alot of emotions. My major concern was making things as normal for Nick as I possibly could. The problem was simply this - my son and I are so connected that even if I tried to pretend things were ok on the outside - and I did - he knew better. Even if I wasn't outwardly showing emotion it was below the surface and he both felt and reacted towards it. His reactions were puzzling to me because they totally went against the grain of his nature. My sweet, loving boy became very agitated and rough with me. I understood that it was the pain and confusion that was causing him to do that but it hurt all the same. That lasted for close to two months before he began to behave like the Nick we all know and love. I felt so badly for him, knowing he had to have many questions that he was unable to ask. Kids always do in death situations and the fact that he couldn't just ask me when she's coming back or tell me how badly he missed her had to be terrible for him. I know he understands what I say to him but still must have wanted more clarification. Try as I might I cannot fathom how hard that was for him. Thinking about how hard he struggled with that is still hard to do.
Since I am no longer as worried about him I am now focusing on me a bit. I began to go to grief counseling to focus on helping me come to terms with the finality of her loss. It's not just kids that have a hard time with that, apparently. I am convinced that grief over such a profound loss is a life-long process. You never get over a loss like this, despite wanting to. Coping, accepting, and learning to live without that person become your main focuses. I think I have been in a kind of denial about just how differently my life would play out without her. Sometimes I worry that I am still not in a place where the full realization has hit me yet. For comfort I still cling to some material things that bring me peace - her old theater sweatshirts she loved, even a sweat-jacket of hers that I wore home from her house the night she passed. I even still have all the numbers she could be reached at in my cell phone and cannot bring myself to erase them yet. Maybe that is me hanging on to the past but since the past is when she was here, its more preferable to the present where she's not. Another reason her loss was so hard for me to take was the fact that my father isn't a part of the lives of my son and I. Sadly, even when he was he was more a peripheral part of my life. The role he played in my life was that similar to a distant uncle or cousin.. we never had a real father/daughter relationship. I think that fact has made the loss of my mom even harder to take. She wore many hats with me, for sure, and strived to be the same way for Nick. The saddest part of her loss is the simple fact that her passing robbed him of that. That makes me even more sad than the fact that it was I who lost my mom. I was lucky enough to have her for over 39 years - my boy only had her for six.
I truly hope that this counseling aids me in coming to terms with this. I'm committed to do what I need to do to both deal with the lingering pain and move past it the point where it dulls and is more manageable. I recently read the book "Motherless Daughters" and was left with the feeling that my feelings of fear, ambivalence, and sadness are so very appropriate and all too common. The book asserts something that I wholly agree with - that some women, myself included - are as profoundly changed by the loss of their mom as they were by the life they lived. One way that resonates with me is how I have been called upon to to assert myself a bit since she passed. I'm a softer person by nature than my mom was. She never shied from a confrontation whereas I tend to run from them. When she passed it dawned on me how I had always been dependant on her to provide me with the added backbone I was sorely lacking. I know her well.. she would want me to carry on and try to stand on my own and face up to people when the situation called for it. Things that were easier to tolerate before have become harder since that realization. Weak as I sometimes feel, I have begun to feel bolstered by what defined her - that ornery, fighting spirit. She used to tell me that I always underestimated my own strength. In the letter she wrote to me to be read after she passed she reminded me of that again. I used to think that was just her, as my mom, seeing me in a more favorable light that I do myself. Sometimes I'm not so sure she was wrong. Maybe it's her spirit guiding me now. Whatever it is, I have been altered and will never be the same.
Next week we are facing another milestone, the first birthday of my son since she passed. It's hard for me to imagine celebrating something like a birthday without her because she was so integral to those celebrations. Just like with any first it will be hardest but we'll solider on and get through that day. I know she's still with us in spirit, especially with Nicky. She may not be there physically but she's still there. That is where the coping comes to play - having that be enough when all you want is her there in body too. A great learning lesson for everyone involved, I think.
When my mom passed nearly 8 months ago it was such a crazy time for us. Christmas was on the horizon some two weeks later and I was so worried about how Nick was going to react towards losing her and seeing me in a sad, confused state. I went on automatic pilot following her passing and bottled alot of emotions. My major concern was making things as normal for Nick as I possibly could. The problem was simply this - my son and I are so connected that even if I tried to pretend things were ok on the outside - and I did - he knew better. Even if I wasn't outwardly showing emotion it was below the surface and he both felt and reacted towards it. His reactions were puzzling to me because they totally went against the grain of his nature. My sweet, loving boy became very agitated and rough with me. I understood that it was the pain and confusion that was causing him to do that but it hurt all the same. That lasted for close to two months before he began to behave like the Nick we all know and love. I felt so badly for him, knowing he had to have many questions that he was unable to ask. Kids always do in death situations and the fact that he couldn't just ask me when she's coming back or tell me how badly he missed her had to be terrible for him. I know he understands what I say to him but still must have wanted more clarification. Try as I might I cannot fathom how hard that was for him. Thinking about how hard he struggled with that is still hard to do.
Since I am no longer as worried about him I am now focusing on me a bit. I began to go to grief counseling to focus on helping me come to terms with the finality of her loss. It's not just kids that have a hard time with that, apparently. I am convinced that grief over such a profound loss is a life-long process. You never get over a loss like this, despite wanting to. Coping, accepting, and learning to live without that person become your main focuses. I think I have been in a kind of denial about just how differently my life would play out without her. Sometimes I worry that I am still not in a place where the full realization has hit me yet. For comfort I still cling to some material things that bring me peace - her old theater sweatshirts she loved, even a sweat-jacket of hers that I wore home from her house the night she passed. I even still have all the numbers she could be reached at in my cell phone and cannot bring myself to erase them yet. Maybe that is me hanging on to the past but since the past is when she was here, its more preferable to the present where she's not. Another reason her loss was so hard for me to take was the fact that my father isn't a part of the lives of my son and I. Sadly, even when he was he was more a peripheral part of my life. The role he played in my life was that similar to a distant uncle or cousin.. we never had a real father/daughter relationship. I think that fact has made the loss of my mom even harder to take. She wore many hats with me, for sure, and strived to be the same way for Nick. The saddest part of her loss is the simple fact that her passing robbed him of that. That makes me even more sad than the fact that it was I who lost my mom. I was lucky enough to have her for over 39 years - my boy only had her for six.
I truly hope that this counseling aids me in coming to terms with this. I'm committed to do what I need to do to both deal with the lingering pain and move past it the point where it dulls and is more manageable. I recently read the book "Motherless Daughters" and was left with the feeling that my feelings of fear, ambivalence, and sadness are so very appropriate and all too common. The book asserts something that I wholly agree with - that some women, myself included - are as profoundly changed by the loss of their mom as they were by the life they lived. One way that resonates with me is how I have been called upon to to assert myself a bit since she passed. I'm a softer person by nature than my mom was. She never shied from a confrontation whereas I tend to run from them. When she passed it dawned on me how I had always been dependant on her to provide me with the added backbone I was sorely lacking. I know her well.. she would want me to carry on and try to stand on my own and face up to people when the situation called for it. Things that were easier to tolerate before have become harder since that realization. Weak as I sometimes feel, I have begun to feel bolstered by what defined her - that ornery, fighting spirit. She used to tell me that I always underestimated my own strength. In the letter she wrote to me to be read after she passed she reminded me of that again. I used to think that was just her, as my mom, seeing me in a more favorable light that I do myself. Sometimes I'm not so sure she was wrong. Maybe it's her spirit guiding me now. Whatever it is, I have been altered and will never be the same.
Next week we are facing another milestone, the first birthday of my son since she passed. It's hard for me to imagine celebrating something like a birthday without her because she was so integral to those celebrations. Just like with any first it will be hardest but we'll solider on and get through that day. I know she's still with us in spirit, especially with Nicky. She may not be there physically but she's still there. That is where the coping comes to play - having that be enough when all you want is her there in body too. A great learning lesson for everyone involved, I think.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Something I just wanted to share..
Recently I came upon a quote that really resonated with me and I felt the urge to write about how much it affected me here. As far as I am concerned, truer words have rarely been spoken.
"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is forever to decide to have your heart go walking outside your body"
A very simple passage but one that really stuck with me. Beautiful words to describe a parents love for the child they helped create. Since I only have the mother's perspective to go with here, I can only speak as the person who grew a child in my body. I know a fathers love for his child is strong, no doubt about that, but there is something that seems magical and powerful about a mother's love for her baby. Since I lost my mom I have given alot of thought about maternal love and how it's affected me as a grown woman and the role it has played in how I express love for my boy. Stating the obvious here I will have to say that there is just nothing more gripping and life-changing than that kind of love. Other types of love fade but that one just seems to strengthen over time. Struggles with how difficult parenting can be are forgotten when you look at your child and know how it's all worth it. All of this is just from my point of view, of course, but I am sure these feelings are universal in nature.
Love, in any form but parental love, is something that is hard to explain. Either you feel it or you don't. The love a parent has for their child is the most profound form of it but that's not to say that those who have never reproduced are incapable of feeling something just as strong. Speaking as someone who loved a pet profoundly, I can say that kind of love is in the same ballpark as the one I have for my son. The main difference is this - I have been able to live my life and go on without my dog; I don't think the same could be said if I was without my son. Gizmo touched my heart but Nick owns it. He owns it because he IS my heart - it's as simple as that.
I've always been a big fan of letting pictures tell the story so here are a couple of pictures of what I think love looks like.
The below pic is one of all time favorites. This picture never fails to warm me and make me smile.
This picture was taken last summer at my mom's house. The look on her face as she looks at him is so sweet. His smile as he basks in that attention is just as wonderful. I love this picture and am so very glad I have it.
"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is forever to decide to have your heart go walking outside your body"
A very simple passage but one that really stuck with me. Beautiful words to describe a parents love for the child they helped create. Since I only have the mother's perspective to go with here, I can only speak as the person who grew a child in my body. I know a fathers love for his child is strong, no doubt about that, but there is something that seems magical and powerful about a mother's love for her baby. Since I lost my mom I have given alot of thought about maternal love and how it's affected me as a grown woman and the role it has played in how I express love for my boy. Stating the obvious here I will have to say that there is just nothing more gripping and life-changing than that kind of love. Other types of love fade but that one just seems to strengthen over time. Struggles with how difficult parenting can be are forgotten when you look at your child and know how it's all worth it. All of this is just from my point of view, of course, but I am sure these feelings are universal in nature.
Love, in any form but parental love, is something that is hard to explain. Either you feel it or you don't. The love a parent has for their child is the most profound form of it but that's not to say that those who have never reproduced are incapable of feeling something just as strong. Speaking as someone who loved a pet profoundly, I can say that kind of love is in the same ballpark as the one I have for my son. The main difference is this - I have been able to live my life and go on without my dog; I don't think the same could be said if I was without my son. Gizmo touched my heart but Nick owns it. He owns it because he IS my heart - it's as simple as that.
I've always been a big fan of letting pictures tell the story so here are a couple of pictures of what I think love looks like.
The below pic is one of all time favorites. This picture never fails to warm me and make me smile.
This picture was taken last summer at my mom's house. The look on her face as she looks at him is so sweet. His smile as he basks in that attention is just as wonderful. I love this picture and am so very glad I have it.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Another school year is done..
Nick started his long summer break as of Friday, June 26th. So far, so good.. but I may want to wait a few weeks before really saying that as that could change. He loves the routine and structure of school but has been enjoying sleeping in since the school year has ended. His in-home therapy hours were doubled from their usual twelve hours a week to continue to work on the skills he's lacking and to keep the ones he's mastered fresh. He has a great young guy who has been working with him for a couple of months now and that tutor has been able to be pick up the extra shifts that Nick has been granted. I am happy about that because having another tutor come in to work with him would require a few sessions of rapport building just to get aquainted and that could take away from Nick getting the extra help he needs. This guy has a way of making it fun for my boy and that is always a plus in getting Nick to do anything, believe me.
His teacher sent home some pictures taken of Nick during the school year. Here are some of my favorites:
Cookie decorating day during the week of Halloween
This picture shows Nick with his favorite of the aides in his class, Miss Sherri. Nick LOVES her and I happen to agree with him.. she's very sweet and the smile he gets on his face even when her name is mentioned is too precious. I think my boy may have a little crush on her.. too cute!
The below pic was taken of Nick on his class field trip to the pumpkin patch last October. This was the day that he made his mama's heart nearly stop from fright when he took off and was nowhere to be found for nearly ten minutes.. I am quite used to him making my heart skip a beat or two but this was entirely different!
At the end of the school year his teacher also sent home two books of art projects that Nick had been working on all school year. They targeted both numbers and letters and I took some pictures of the ones I really thought were particularly wonderful.
As you may be able to tell, I am a very proud mama. My boy has been through so much this past year and while he is still coping with the absense of someone who was an integral part of his young life, he's doing so much better now than he was a few months ago. I honestly don't think I could love that boy any more than I already do. He has made my world a better place and continues to bring me the joy that I need to combat the sadness that still plagues me often. What a guy he is!
His teacher sent home some pictures taken of Nick during the school year. Here are some of my favorites:
Cookie decorating day during the week of Halloween
This picture shows Nick with his favorite of the aides in his class, Miss Sherri. Nick LOVES her and I happen to agree with him.. she's very sweet and the smile he gets on his face even when her name is mentioned is too precious. I think my boy may have a little crush on her.. too cute!
The below pic was taken of Nick on his class field trip to the pumpkin patch last October. This was the day that he made his mama's heart nearly stop from fright when he took off and was nowhere to be found for nearly ten minutes.. I am quite used to him making my heart skip a beat or two but this was entirely different!
At the end of the school year his teacher also sent home two books of art projects that Nick had been working on all school year. They targeted both numbers and letters and I took some pictures of the ones I really thought were particularly wonderful.
As you may be able to tell, I am a very proud mama. My boy has been through so much this past year and while he is still coping with the absense of someone who was an integral part of his young life, he's doing so much better now than he was a few months ago. I honestly don't think I could love that boy any more than I already do. He has made my world a better place and continues to bring me the joy that I need to combat the sadness that still plagues me often. What a guy he is!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Six months later..
Today was the sixth month anniversary of my mom's passing. It honestly doesn't seem possible that a half year has gone by. There are days when it only seems like yesterday and others where it seems like a year or two since she was here. I do know she's better off - at least from the last days when she subsided on morphine and the sips of water she was able to withstand. Are the people who love her better off? Well, that is a totally different answer but since we weren't the ones suffering like that I don't think that matters all the much. Speaking only for myself I'd say that I am coping as best as I can and trying to focus on how to live the rest of my life without the one person who was always there. Not an easy task but it can be done and has to be. I've always heard that death is inevitable in the cycle of life and while that is very cliche, it's also quite true. If I let myself think about how unfair what she had to go through was I'd most likely not be able to appreciate how fortunate she was that she actually lived longer than what was expected of her. Her last year was one with many adventures; she knew what was coming and tried, and did, cram alot in that short time span. She went to visit her closest friends in Mexico, went over to coast to go camping, and drove to visit her brother and his family in Texas. That last trip, only two months before she died, was the hardest one on her body and she never really bounced back from that. She never regretted going and saying goodbye to her family there and I am so glad she made that jaunt.
When I think of my mom I think of someone who was so fiesty that it's hard to believe that something ever took her down. Those who know her and are reading this are most likely nodding their heads in agreement. She was a pistol - plain and simple. Tolerating people she didn't like was not her strong suit.. she'd to it in situations where she had to but you always knew that doing so wasn't organic to who she was. I once overheard a co-worker of hers describe her as someone who either loved you or told you to screw (and that was NOT his word) off.. there were very few happy mediums with my mom. She was definitely a person who called it like she saw it and hated pretense. She had friends from all walks of life and was someone who definetely valued them. Many of her friendships spanned decades and she was loyal to a fault to those who endeared themselves to her. I still keep in contact with some of the people who she brought joy to and it warms me to get together with them and talk about her. Yes, it can make me sad but when I see how many people she touched by just being who she was it makes me proud she was my mom.
The biggest part of her was her heart and there was never a person who touched that more than my son, no doubt about it. She loved my brother and I but with parenting came a long, hard and often alone struggle. Being my son's nana was simply a joyous thing for her. Despite having worked all week long she eagerly awaited the Saturdays that she would watch him while I worked. She took great joy in eveything he did and was simply his number one fan. When we discovered his disability her response was simple - she wanted to know how we could make his life better and what can be done for him. There was never a moment of self-pity that her beloved boy was afflicted with this; she knew he was special, she said, and this proved it. She truly believed he'd rise to the challenge and overcome all the obstacles. I appreciated that so much and knew that she would be there for him all the way and she'd revel in his accomplishments one day. Now she has to do it from afar but I know she is watching him.
All this talk of her and the special bond she has with her boy makes me want to share some great pics I have of them.
This picture was taken when we was only about 3 weeks old. I love how happy she looks here.
I always looking at the way my mom looked at her Nick. Such love and adoration
My mom had pictures taken of her and Nick to send out in her Christmas cards the year the boy was born. I love the contrast here between how tan she was - and this was December, mind you - and how white Nick is. Yep, he is my kid.
This one was taken at Nick's second birthday party. I love how cute he looks feeding her a potato chip.
This isn't a picture of her and her boy but it is one that totally captures the spirit of my mom. She was totally a product of the 60's. This pic really makes me smile because it was just so.. her.
When I think of my mom I think of someone who was so fiesty that it's hard to believe that something ever took her down. Those who know her and are reading this are most likely nodding their heads in agreement. She was a pistol - plain and simple. Tolerating people she didn't like was not her strong suit.. she'd to it in situations where she had to but you always knew that doing so wasn't organic to who she was. I once overheard a co-worker of hers describe her as someone who either loved you or told you to screw (and that was NOT his word) off.. there were very few happy mediums with my mom. She was definitely a person who called it like she saw it and hated pretense. She had friends from all walks of life and was someone who definetely valued them. Many of her friendships spanned decades and she was loyal to a fault to those who endeared themselves to her. I still keep in contact with some of the people who she brought joy to and it warms me to get together with them and talk about her. Yes, it can make me sad but when I see how many people she touched by just being who she was it makes me proud she was my mom.
The biggest part of her was her heart and there was never a person who touched that more than my son, no doubt about it. She loved my brother and I but with parenting came a long, hard and often alone struggle. Being my son's nana was simply a joyous thing for her. Despite having worked all week long she eagerly awaited the Saturdays that she would watch him while I worked. She took great joy in eveything he did and was simply his number one fan. When we discovered his disability her response was simple - she wanted to know how we could make his life better and what can be done for him. There was never a moment of self-pity that her beloved boy was afflicted with this; she knew he was special, she said, and this proved it. She truly believed he'd rise to the challenge and overcome all the obstacles. I appreciated that so much and knew that she would be there for him all the way and she'd revel in his accomplishments one day. Now she has to do it from afar but I know she is watching him.
All this talk of her and the special bond she has with her boy makes me want to share some great pics I have of them.
This picture was taken when we was only about 3 weeks old. I love how happy she looks here.
I always looking at the way my mom looked at her Nick. Such love and adoration
My mom had pictures taken of her and Nick to send out in her Christmas cards the year the boy was born. I love the contrast here between how tan she was - and this was December, mind you - and how white Nick is. Yep, he is my kid.
This one was taken at Nick's second birthday party. I love how cute he looks feeding her a potato chip.
This isn't a picture of her and her boy but it is one that totally captures the spirit of my mom. She was totally a product of the 60's. This pic really makes me smile because it was just so.. her.
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