He's back with us

It's been eleven days since we put Gizmo down and each day does get a little easier. We received his ashes back on Saturday and a certificate saying that he was cremated on the Monday following his passing. Picking his remains was bittersweet.. on one hand I was glad to have him back with us where he belongs and on another it made his passing seem even more real to me. Knowing that I was holding, in a box, what remained of someone who was so dear to me for so many years moved me. Giz really was my first baby. If I hadn't found him and had the joy of being his mama I most likely would've had a child long before I did have mine. Giz was 10 when Nick was born and for all those years preceding my child's birth he really did have me wrapped around his paw.. and boy did he know it. He has us very well trained - his dinner time was 8:00 sharp and I mean sharp. He had some kind of internal clock that alerted him of that time and when it came he'd let us know with a whine or he'd start running up and down the hallway to garner our attention. Yup, he was a funny little man and we all miss him.

His ashes were placed in a plain, but pretty wooden urn in the shape of a brick. I'm planning on having a plaque made with his name and attaching it to the box. I've found myself carrying his box around when I need to feel him with me. Right now he's resting in the kitchen, his other favorite hangout spot in our house. The times of day that I feel his absence most are early in the morning when I always let him out and his dinnertime. Those times are when I've found myself stroking the box and talking to him. He knows we all miss him and I know he's aware of how his absence has effected us. It still soothes me to remind him.

What a sweetheart he was..

I'll close with one of my favorite recent pictures of my boy. This was taken this past spring.. he was looking pretty good for a 15 year old doggie, wasn't he??

The time came..

In my last post I spoke of my dog, Gizmo.. we put him to sleep last night. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier, or at least not yet. He'd been going downhill pretty fast for the past week and yesterday was his worst day yet. I couldn't bear to see him suffer so I felt it was my obligation to him to put him out of his misery. I know what we did was right but it doesn't take away the gut-wrenching sadness that I've been feeling since leaving the vet's office last night. His passing was so peaceful and I'm so grateful that I was there to see it. He merely relaxed and was quickly at peace. It tore my heart to hear the doctor tell me, after checking him for vital signs, that he'd passed but at the same time I felt an extreme sense of relief knowing that he was no longer suffering.

Since putting him down last night I've been struggling with the plan to only be grateful for having him for so long. I'm sure that once this initial sadness wanes that'll be easier. I'll never stop loving him or feeling such gratitude that I had the privilege of being his mama for so long. We're having him cremated and will be receiving his ashes in a week or so. I suspect that's when I'll feel some comfort - when he's returned to us. His favorite spot in our house was in the bigger closet in our bedroom. I plan to put his ashes on the shelf in there so he'll be in his preferred spot. It's the least I can do after all he's done for us. Thank God for that dog.. that's all I can say. How lucky were we??

RIP Gizmo
March 15, 1992 - September 7, 2007

My other child

I've often spoke of my love for my son, Nicholas. What I've yet to go on and on about is the deep love I have for my other child, my dog Gizmo. In my heart I see him as my first baby. I've had him since he was two months old and he's now fifteen. He's had many health problems as of late and I fear that he's in the home stretch of his time with us. Sure, I'm sad about it and I know that I'll miss him like crazy but all I can think about is how incredibly lucky we are to have had him this long. I so hope that I can continue with that line of thinking and concentrate on that fact once he's gone. What he's given me has been far and above all that I've done to care for him, that I know. He's just such a sweetheart and a dog that nearly everyone adores once they're fortunate enough to meet him.

It's hard for me to believe that we've had him that long. Sometimes I don't remember what life was like before he came along. Before I found him I really wasn't much of a dog person. I didn't dislike them but I wasn't too crazy about having them around all the time. Now I adore most dogs and can't imagine not having one. But I can't see myself running out to get another once Gizzy passes. He's irreplaceable and it will be a long while until I let another animal into my heart the way I've done with him.

Isn't he handsome??




To any of you that are reading this and know me, please do me a favor. Remind me of my pledge to mostly concentrate on how good and long his life was once he's gone. That is my intention but I'm afraid I'll merely wallow in the fact that he's not physically here anymore.

I know I'm lucky to have had him this long.. I think I should write that 500 times in a row if I'm guilty of going against what I truly intend to do. Hold me to it, will ya?

Long time, no blog..

It's been almost 4 weeks since I lasted gathered my thoughts and assembled them in some kind of coherent form that I could share here. Many, many things have happened in the meantime. I think I'll start with the good, bittersweet stuff. On Monday, August 13th, my baby turned 5 years old. I know every parent thinks this, but seriously.. how the hell did that happen? Wasn't he just born a while back? I really wasn't too sad that day like I had expected to be. We had his birthday party the following Saturday and it turned out to be a fun experience for all. Nick was given so many wonderful presents and it warmed my heart to see the people who came out to celebrate my boy's milestone birthday. Nick started his new school on August 20th and really seems to enjoy it. It's official, folks.. my baby isn't a baby anymore.

Now here's the hard part and quite possibly the hardest, most heart-wrenching thing that I've ever faced before.. my mom's cancer is terminal this time. She'll be leaving us long before she, or anyone of us, wants her to. It just doesn't seem right or fair that someone who fought so hard to get better and get her life back will not live long enough to see her beloved grandson grow up. That's the hardest part for me to deal with - the knowledge that this will affect my son like nothing ever has before. Nick lost his paternal grandpa earlier this year and that was a huge blow to him as well as us. Losing Grandpa and dealing with my mom's cancer returning has been very difficult for all of us to swallow. We all miss him terribly but know that he's in a better place and isn't suffering the way he did for so long. That knowledge helps us deal with him not being here but doesn't in any way take away the pain of his loss. I suspect that will be the same way when my mom loses her battle.

This has taken me so long to write about because I really don't know what to say about this. What I've been feeling in my heart and thinking in my head aren't things that are easy to express in words, or just not easy for me to do. I'm sad, bewildered, and even angry at times. I don't have a particular person or anything tangible who is deserving of my anger but it still comes in waves. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, just as my mom is doing. I want to smother her with love and not let her out of my sight the way that I'd like to do at all times with my child but I can't. She retires at the end of this week so I'll have time then to spend as much time with her as possible. I'm taking the advise of those who've dealt with this before and am trying to cherish the time we have left in every way that I can. A very wise person told me not to take the time that she's expected to be here with us for granted at all, and I surely won't. That's really good advise to follow with everyone but somehow it just doesn't always happen, does it? I'm as guilty of it as anyone else but my mom is one person who I can't do that with anymore. The one life lesson I hope will stay with me is to never do that again with anyone. That sounds corny, I know, but I know now how true that is.

The monkey on Nick's back..

Sometime last month I found an adorable harness for Nick to wear while we're out and about. I found it online and they had it available at Walmart. It's a combination harness and backpack that has a monkey on it. Ever since Nick was in utero I've called him my little monkey. My child has never been one to sit still, even while he was in the cramped space of my uterus that he called home. I used to joke that he appeared to be trying to swing from the trees while in there. That's where the nickname of monkey came about.

The harness works like a charm keeping him with me, I'm happy to report. I took him to a cool kids amusement park while he was wearing it and he seemed to like it. He didn't want me to remove it when we got home! He loves it so much that he often wants to wear it to just hang around the house.

I'm so happy I found it.. it makes him happy to wear it and gives me a sense of relief knowing that with it I can keep him next to me where he belongs.

The sweetness of that smile...

My son's face and the incredible smile that emits from it never fails to soothe me or pick me up when I'm down. I'm going to have to rely even more heavily on the joy he brings to me to help me deal with things yet again. The news we received about my mom yesterday wasn't very good. She's going to have to go through treatments yet again to battle what's grown inside her. This breaks my heart because she's already been through so much, but she has to deal with it and fight. She's a fighter by nature and will get through this. More than anything my mom will need her boy to get through this. Nick and his nana are so lucky to have each other. I feel privileged that I can just sit there and witness the love between them. This helps reaffirm my opinion that having my son was the best thing that I have ever done... I know how much just his presence has enriched the lives of my husband and myself. It makes me so happy to see how much he's touched everyone else.

Update on my mom and my little school boy..

My mom finally was given an appointment to see a specialist. She goes on Monday and I'm planning to go with her. She also has an appointment today for another CT scan. The last one they performed on her, sometime last month, showed a shadowy area near her lung. Her doctor didn't think much of it because it appeared to her to be nothing more than a shadow. But, to be on the safe side, they're doing another scan on her as I sit here typing. She'll know more about the results of that test sometime next week. Waiting really, really sucks, for lack of a better word. Monday is still 4 days away -- yuck. I may appear to be a patient person but I hide how completely impatient I am very well. People often remark how calm I am while dealing with people who clearly are patience zappingly annoying.. if they only knew what's going on inside they'd be shocked..

Nick's doing really well being back at school. He clearly enjoys it and gets so much from it. He gets into such a routine when going to school that he's often sad when Fridays roll around and he doesn't have school that day. He seems to understand the routine of the weekends - his nana cares for him on Saturdays and he spends Sundays at home hanging out with his daddy. Fridays sometimes throw him for a loop. When he starts into his new program in late August he'll be going to school on Fridays as well -- that'll make him happy. Personally I love our Fridays together. Sure, I don't get much done around here but it's our relaxing day. I work Friday evenings and Saturday and Sunday during the day so the mommy son day we get on Fridays are special to me. We usually hang out at home in the morning and then go out to lunch together and try to do something fun, like going to a park.

It looks like I'm the one who'll have some adjusting to do when he starts going on Fridays.. Nick will be fine, he always is, thankfully.

Back to school

This morning Nick started back to school. He was so cute about it as well. I made his lunch and set his backpack out on the counter while he was watching cartoons. When he saw it he smiled and jumped up and grabbed both of them in anticipation. He even wanted to hold both of them while I was helping him get dressed!

Here's my big boy (sniff..sniff)




Right now I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. I plan to rest at home for a while then go to Borders and then go treat myself to a nice, quiet lunch. That's my idea of pampering. I deserve it so I plan on taking advantage of my down time when I have it. Naturally I'm thinking of my boy and hoping that he's having a good day back at school. Three more hours and I'll be able to find out how it went.. In the meantime four words apply to me: I.have.free.time.

:)

Busy week...

This past week was a busy one for my whole family. Last Sunday we headed over to Bodega Bay to camp for a few days. When I say camping I refer to my version of it.. sleeping in a 5th wheel trailer with bathrooms and showers nearby. In my minds eye there just isn't any other acceptable way. I'm definitely not a roughin' it kinda girl. This was the first time that myself and my immediate family - husband, child, and dog - went on this type of venture without anyone else along. We had a really nice, relaxing time. We stayed there for 2 nights and had a nice campfire the last night. My son loves the texture of sand so he had a wonderful time just hanging out in the sand at the beach.

Here's the boy just chillin' in the chilly ass weather. It didn't get any higher than the mid 60's while we were there...



The big hole my boys dug..






The week started out so nice and peaceful with our little get away. We came back Tuesday afternoon and settled back into the routines we have. Wednesday my son had the first of two assessments with his new in-home therapy company. They'll work with us on teaching him daily living skills that will give him more independence and boost his confidence and will provide more support for Nick as well as the rest of our family. The type of therapy that he'll be receiving, ABA (applied behavior analysis), is the only proven method for tackling the many behavior problems associated with kids on the spectrum. His school addresses them in that setting and the in-home helps build on what's learned at school as well as supporting the parents in helping to keep the methods consistent. The lady who came to work with him was very nice and Nick really seemed to like her. She'll function as the boss of the team that will assigned to Nick and will do some one-on-one with him as well. The amount of hours that they will be working with him will depend on his school schedule. When Nick goes back to school on Monday he'll continue with his present teacher and will then transition into a different school setting that hopefully will allow him to receive the help he needs. I'm very anxious to know more about the new type of class setting. Since it's July and most of the district is still on break I'll have to wait until sometime next week to sit down with the person in charge of supervising the special ed department. She'll give me a better idea of what's in store for Nick. I don't anticipate many hours of the therapy in the home setting, but I know how every little bit helps. That's why I fought to get it for him.

Also on Wednesday my mom had a doctor's appointment. Last year she battled bladder cancer and came through like the fighter she is. She handled chemotherapy and the recovery following her surgery so well it amazed me and gave me a new found respect for her strength. She just recently found another lump and will have to have that biopsied sometime in the next week or so. She admitted to me that she does believe that it is cancer. I so hope she's wrong. She's been through so much already.. it seems cruel to me that she could potentially have to battle it again so soon. Battle it she will, I know that. She's as madly in love with my son as my husband and I are - there's no way she'll give up and lie down and take this. She's determined to stick around to see her boo-boo, as she calls Nick, grow up. She also has a new grandchild coming in February when my brother's wife is scheduled to give birth to their first child.

The best thing that happened this past week was that I finally made some money doing what I've been trying to do for a while. Last October I got my certification to work as a loan officer. I'm dying to try something new and since working with home loans has a great amount of time flexibility as well as the potential ability to make more money than my present job, I decided to try it. The money I made working on this loan means so much to me. Not only do we need it financially, I needed it personally. It gave me a nice sense of accomplishment that's been lacking in me for a long time. I had always worked pretty much full-time since Nick was about a year old. During his first year I stayed home as much as possible, working about as much as I do now. I had to seriously modify my schedule when he first started having therapy in the home. I worked around the therapy as much as I could, but the amount of hours were no where near to what I worked before. Hopefully this will enable me to be able to do both -- be there for my child and contribute.

11 days and counting..

Just over a week and a half until Nick goes back to school. I know he misses it and frankly, so do I. He thrives on the routine of it and I enjoy the solace when he's at school getting the help and attention he needs. Please don't get me wrong - I LOVE my child more than anything and get so much joy in being with him. I'm just one of those people who needs some alone time. I find that down-time sustains me and refreshes me, allowing me to better focus on the people in my life. This is the main reason that I couldn't be a full-time stay-at-home mom. My hat's off to the people who enjoy being with their children 24/7. That is truly the hardest job in the world, bar none.


My son is off school until next Monday because of the track system his school is on. This break has been much easier for both of us to handle than the one that he had in April. He was much more restless being home during that one for some reason. I think it was because it was the first real break from all therapies he's had since April 2005 when they began. He started in-home therapy in October '05 and that continued through the end of January this year. The in-home therapy was an arduous process for our whole family. It was hard to have someone come into your house day after day to work with your child. It was made harder because of the fact that the hierarchy of the company that worked with Nick was made up with some women who were less than nice... that's as diplomatic as I'm going to get in describing those people. Nick did thrive in that environment for a time and made progress but it was a relief to see it come to an end so we could have a life again. School was a blessing for all of us. It gave Nick the opportunity to be around kids his own age who have similar developmental issues and learn in a structured setting. In addition, mama had some free time to relax. See why I'm counting the days until he goes back??

Nick was supposed to be assessed by a new in-home therapy provider this week but the lady wasn't able to come out because her child was ill. I'm looking forward to Nick getting home therapy again because I think every little bit does help. The amount of hours they'll be here won't be as much as the previous company because they will have to work about Nick's 20 hour school week. Plus, I know a therapist who works for the new company and she assured me that this one respects the views of the parents and actually listens to them when they have something to say. The good thing about having such an unpleasant experience with the previous group of people is that I'll know, going into the situation, what's appropriate and what's not. I won't feel the need to keep my mouth shut if stepped on like before. I only let things go on as long as they did because the therapists working with Nick were awesome. It wasn't their fault the company they worked for had boundary issues with the parents of the children in their care. I now know 2 important things: there are better companies out there and most importantly, Nick does well with change. If I had known those things our involvement with the old company would've been a much shorter one, that's for sure.

I wish I enjoyed it as much as he does

My child is a bolter.. He thoroughly enjoys running off when taken in public. It doesn't happen often, thank God, but it's a habit of his that drives me crazy. It appears that he sees it as fun game of cat and mouse. He'll run off and look back in my direction with a challenging look in his eyes, as if to say "C'mon mama.. try and catch me". He's done it with an increasing frequency lately and it never ceases to freak me out. First off, it's scary as hell to see your child dart across the street or run off into a field, as he did a couple of days ago. Secondly, and of a much lesser importance, it's embarrassing. I feel like a fool for letting him get away and an even bigger one when I fall down trying to catch up with him. That's only happened once or twice but it gives him an edge by allowing him to get further away from me and that's never a good thing.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to take drastic measures to try to nip this in the bud. I'm going to buy one of those harnesses to keep him where he needs to be -- wherever the hell I am. I did buy one when he was younger but never really used it. I gave it away because it went unused and someone I knew needed one. I had some misgivings about using one in the first place because there are stigmas associated with leashing your child. I've heard it likened to treating your child like he or she is a dog. But I'm sure that the ease of keeping him reigned in with one of those devises will outweigh the feelings of worrying how it looks to passers by. Besides.. what's more important, keeping my son with me where he belongs by whatever means possible or worrying what strangers think of me for leashing my child?? That's a no-brainer if I ever heard of one..

A good question

This afternoon while my son and I were at Target I had a nice exchange with the cashier. He was a pleasant guy who seemed very friendly. While we were being rung up for our purchase he noticed that Nick was vocally stimming. Stimming, or self-stimulatory behaviors, are practices common with autistic children. They are behaviors that an autistic person uses repetitively to soothe him or herself. My boy stims vocally more than any other way. He makes sounds, sometimes not so quietly, that often attracts the stares of people while were out in public. Today he was making this sound that kind of sounds like a rooster.. it's cute and just his thing. The checker noticed him doing it and I noticed him reacting to the sound Nick was making. He didn't stare at him with a dumbfounded look like I've seen others do but seemed curious about the noise. He asked me if he could ask me a question. He was curious if Nick was special needs. Because he asked it in such a respectful way I talked to him briefly about it. I told him that he was indeed autistic and yes, he was quite special. He apologized and said that he really shouldn't be asking people personal questions but really was curious. That kind of respectful curiosity always makes me want to answer whatever it is people want to know. I much prefer that to the the occasional stare or judgemental look that comes our way.

I don't make it a practice to talk to strangers about anything truly personal. In no way and I mean NO possible way am I ashamed of my child. My main reason that I don't discuss Nick's autism with people I don't know very often is that I don't want to draw attention to it. My wish for him is to have him blend in as much as possible with others his age. That's not the same as trying to hide his disorder. It's merely my way of wanting to see my child flourish in a world where questions regarding his behavior aren't always as respectful.

All I say can say about anyone who judges Nick before they get to know him and fails to appreciate how incredible he is -- it's your loss, buddy.

Words of wisdom.. not from me, of course

Every now and then I find something written, usually online, that really moves me. I found this wonderful Jewish proverb that reads " A mother understands what a child does not say". I read that months ago and for some reason chose to write it down. I guess I knew that I wouldn't remember it since I'm not good at remembering quotes. I'll remember lines from movies that I've seen over and over again, but ask me to recall something important and I'll draw a blank more often than not. This is much more meaningful than any quote from a John Hughes movie of my past or a Kevin Smith movie representative of my present tastes. The quote struck a chord with me because my son isn't verbal enough to tell you things that you wish he could. For instance, I know, I mean I KNOW he loves me.. not only does he show it in abundance, but even if he didn't or wasn't able to, I'd know. The looks he gives me alone are enough to make me aware of that. Rather than saying "I love you mama" with his words he says it with his very expressive eyes and the bear hugs he gives with such force that sometimes you think he is a little bear.

That quote resonates with me because of what I know to be true about my son. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that gift. Words will come, I know that. In the meantime I know what he's feeling. That's enough for now.

Welcome to my world..

I'm the proud mother of a little guy that I consider to be the sweetest, most adorable boy on the planet. I know... every mother sees their child in that light so I know you'll take what I say about him with a grain of salt. Nick is smart, sweet, loving and he holds my heart in the palm of his hands. In many ways he's your typical 4-year-old boy. He loves cars, playing in water, being outdoors and getting as dirty as humanly possible. In other ways he stands apart from his same age counterparts. He often retreats to a world of his own where his best friend is a noisy sea sponge he faithfully watches on TV. He lacks the vocal ability to tell when something's bothering him so we look for clues and try to meet his needs through intuition and using what has worked in the past. You see, my child has autism. A couple of years ago I couldn't even write those words without crying, but time makes the realization of it much easier. That's not to say that I don't have moments where I worry about how his autism will affect how he goes about his life and how people will see him. Those thoughts are foremost in my mind on a daily basis. They just easier to deal now since he has  made some progress and has assimilated into situations like school with ease.

When Nick was first diagnosed back in May 2005 I was faced with many questions. The one regarding the prognosis for his future was the one that I heard the most. I knew at the time that would be the hardest one to answer and I was right. It's been two years since he was diagnosed and I still don't know what to say when asked that. Time will tell, that's really all I can say. Autism is such a puzzling disorder that there isn't any wonder why the symbol of a puzzle has become connected to it. It's a condition that baffles even the most experienced researchers who have dedicated their careers to trying to figure it out.  What I am the most grateful for is how much IS known about it now and how that knowledge has given way to treatments that eluded children who struggled with it in the past.

Do I wish that my child wasn't afflicted with this disorder? Sure, but that isn't his, or our reality. I'm not even fond of talking about that kind of wish. He is what he is.. if that makes sense. To wish him to be otherwise would be like wanting him to be a different person. I happen to love the little person he is too much for that. I think the quirks that set him apart from others in his age group are adorable because they're his. They help make up the person who I'll spend the rest of my life loving and being grateful for.

I hope to enable anyone who reads this blog who doesn't know him to get to know the boy he is.. he's pretty amazing, but like I said before - I am biased.