I spent my birthday exactly as I had hoped I would, with my mother at the beach where she had requested her ashes to be placed. Going over there alone was what I needed to do on that day, my birthday gift to myself. I set out in late morning and spent about an hour and a half at what will forever be known to me as her beach. It was very chilly that day and there were only two people on the beach the whole time I was there. That solitude was an added bonus to the whole experience for me. I really did want to be alone with her and feel free to show my emotions while there. And show them I did.. the emotions I felt that day being with her there ran the gamut from happy to sad, with just about every emotion in between. I really did feel her presence too. I sat there and listened to music on my Ipod, songs I knew she loved. I spoke to her at length, even though I knew she already was aware of everything I was saying to her even before I spoke. If she was alive I would have spent the day with her; going over there was the one way I still could. The cool ocean breezes and the wonderful smell of salt water soothed me as I stood there near the surf. Each deep breath of that felt like heaven to me. Scent memory is such a powerful thing for me so I put some the scent that mom always wore, Skin Musk, on a sweatshirt and took it with me to be able to both feel her and smell her at the same time. That was a powerful combination but so comforting at the same time.

Here are some pictures I took that day..

This is a picture of the campground/beach sign. The significance of this beach lies in the name and I wanted to get a pic of that. My mom's last name her whole life was Wright and when I told her about this beach and took her there the summer before she died she told me she couldn't think of a better place to be set free.
















This last picture is my personal favorite taken that day. I love the way the water is stretched out like a sheet.



Thank you again to all my friends who helped me ring in my 40th birthday and all of those who sent birthday wishes, even if they were in the form of a countdown to my 50th birthday. That person knows who he is but I can get great joy in knowing he'll make it there before I do, so HA!

A woman on the verge...

Of turning 40

My fortieth birthday is tomorrow and I am not as ambivilent about that coming milestone as I had thought I would be. Yes, 40 sounds old, even compared to 39 but it's not the end of the world. I am choosing to see my 40's as my prime. My mom had always said that life begins at that age. She was at a place at that age where both of her children were nearly grown - I was 23 and my brother was 17 - and she felt good about her place in her life. My child is far from grown and I see my life as work in progress. I like to think of how I viewed myself ten years ago when I was on the cusp of my thirties and compare that to how I see myself now. There is no question that I view myself and my life as a whole in a more favorable light. I see my thirties as the most tranistional decade of my life so far. Many changes happened during that time span and I feel as if I came into my own during that decade. I experienced the greatest joy of my life as well as the greatest sorrrow. Becoming a mom was obviously the high point and losing my own took any sorrow I had felt before to a new depth.


The biggest reason for this personal growth is that my 30's ushered me into my most special period thus far - motherhood. Becoming a mom made me not only realize my womanhood but wish to celebrate it as well. I had a renewed respect for what my body was able to do, even though women have been doing that for eons. For me it was a unique experience that made me feel more like a woman than I had ever felt before. That feeling continued for me even after having my baby. I really think that motherhood made me complete. That is not to say that a woman needs to be a mother to feel that way; I am only saying that it helped fulfill me that way. Before then I wondered exactly what my purpose was - with having Nick I finally knew and felt like I had contributed something worthwile to not only my life but everyone around me.

What will my 40's bring?? Who knows.. but I can say this - I am ready for whatever life throws my way. Even though I often feel weak I know I am stronger than I have ever been. I am entering my first decade without the person who has always been there for me yet I don't feel as alone as I had thought I would. She's still with me, just not physically here. I am sad that she's not here to celebrate my birthday with me, but she is with me.