I don't know where to start with writing this blog entry.. I am usually pretty good with words, especially in the written form, but I have no words that will fully capture how I am feeling at this moment and how I've felt these past few weeks so I will just start by talking about what has happened and see if the words follow..

My mom lost her brave battle with cancer on Wednesday, December 10th. She fought it so hard and was the only battle in her life that she couldn't win. I have never before known a stronger, tougher woman and I am even more impressed by those qualities now after seeing how they carried her through her war against that awful disease. She entered hospice care the week before and lasted six days with her systems failing. She was a trooper to the very end and still showed the spunk that defined her until the day she died. Each day that she lived with her body giving out was worse than the previous one, for sure. I had always seen my mom as force bigger than life and to see her battling against cancer and wanting an end to her suffering was the worst thing I have ever seen witnessed. I had hoped to be there when she passed but she had other plans apparently. I was the only person who was closest to her at the time of her death to not be present in her house when she went home. It is clear to me that she didn't wish for me to be there. I rushed over there when I heard and it was such an odd experience to see her finally at peace and without pain.. I could characterize seeing that as beautiful but at the same time the hardest sight I have ever seen. Hard because seeing that meant she was truly gone. It literally broke my heart to see that and I know that I will never be the same. I miss her.. the person who existed before cancer came to eat at her insides, so very much and I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Not for me or anyone else who truly loved her.

My mom gave very specific instructions as to how she wished for a non-religious ceremony that celebrates her life and only touches on her passing. She chose to be cremated and wished for her most of her ashes to be placed in a body of water and another portion sent to her friends who live in Mexico for them to place in the sea of Cortez. She had never lived her life as a kept woman, she said, and didn't wish to remain in an urn to be kept here. As her daughter and the person she entrusted with this task, I will make sure all of her wishes are carried out per her instructions. I picked up her ashes on Christmas Eve and a group of us will be taking them over to Bodega Bay on New Year's Eve to set her free.

All of this - witnessing her suffer, having her leave, getting her ashes back - everything, just doesn't seem real to me most of the time. Going over to her house is very odd for me. I halfway expect to see her sitting in her comfy chair watching TV and getting excited to see me and my son. Before she passed she wrote a letter to us to have as a reminder of how much love she carried. She told me of her great joy in watching me with Nick. I used to catch her looking at the two of us and the look on her face always brought me such happiness and peace. I was so touched to have her tell me from beyond how much she enjoyed that. I know that letter was hard for her to write, especially the part directed at her Nick. She loved that child as much as I do and made sure to tell him that dying is the only way she would have ever left him.. she lived for that boy from the moment she knew of his pending arrival to the moment she left this Earth. He held her heart and she said that having him come into her life as her grandson completed her. What a gift for him to have, huh? To have two people on this planet feel the same way.. I will make sure he grows up knowing this and understands just how hard she fought to stay with him.

This is just an outline of all I wish to say about my mom. There are so many other things I will be adding to this; stories, pictures, and details of how we're all going to learn to live without her in our lives. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me and been there for me during this. You all know who you are and know that I am appreciative of the cards, phone calls, e-mails, and IM's you've sent me. Thank you and and I love you all.

What a month November was...

I would have to say that the whole month of November was pretty much a blur, even though it just technically ended. Nick was off school and not happy about it one bit and my mom's health took a major decline. She began getting weaker during the first part of the month and spent 5 days in the hospital this past week. The pain has become much more constant and it isn't even taken away by the massive amounts of pain medications she is on. The scans done this past week showed blood clots in both her heart and in her leg. Her prognosis is grim, to say the least. She has wisely decided to end chemotherapy treatment and focus on pain management. Hospice has been called in and medical supplies have been delivered to her house.

Seeing her suffering like this is excruiciating and the feeling of helplessness is really overwhelming. I have never before seen a person suffer and it is truly an awful sight. I wouldn't wish what she is going through on anybody. A friend of mine who has an amazing, poetic way with words once said to me regarding people with terminal illnesses, my mom in particular, that we have not only consideration for such warriors but admiration as well. A nice thing to say, don't you agree? Thanks for that, Alex. This is something I think of often and agree with wholeheartedly.

I am doing my very best to hold my emotions in around my mom. The problem is that she knows me far too well for me hide much. I just tend to avoid looking at her in the eye when something is beginning to upset me. If you know me you know that I have extremely expressive eyes; they give me away often and she doesn't need to see that from me. I am not always sucessful, mind you, but I try my damndest.

My son is now back in school as of this morning and he seems to be enjoying it. His teacher sent me a note saying that he had a good first day back at school. He thrives on routine and normalcy in his life and school is the best thing for him right now. Throughout the next days, weeks, and months I am going to strive to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy. He senses the stress I am under and how it's affecting him has been manisfested in his behavior. I am hoping the hours that he is away from me while he's in school will be good for him to be rid of that for that time. His teacher is aware of what is happening in our family now and is on the lookout for any behaviors that are out of the ordinary at school. My biggest concern is how my moms passing will affect him. I am trying to prepare him the best way I can and have received some valuable information from his therapy team as to how to talk him to regarding his Nana. As a parent I just wish to protect him from any possible hurt out there.. this type of hurt he and the rest of us will experience and are experiencing isn't the kind I can shield him from and that is possibly the hardest lesson that I will be left with.

Yes, we can

And yes, we did.

I really believe America got it right last night with their decision to elect Barack Obama as our next president. If I was in or near Chicago I would've braved the temps to be there to see history in the making. As it was I was witness to it just being in front of my TV. So many barriers were broken and so much hope restored... it truly was a night to remember and tell your kids and grandkids about one day.

I truly thought that President-elect Obama (man, I love writing that!) gave an excellent speech. I loved how he paid tribute to his political rival by calling him a hero for enduring so many sacrifices for his country. I have never doubted that he was a good American; he just wasn't the one I wanted as our next leader. My tears really flowed when he spoke of his deep love and gratitude he has for his family. I smiled when he told his daughters that they earned the new puppy that will be accompanying them to their new home in Washington. He seems like a devoted dad and as a parent that is something that I love to see. My heart broke for him when I learned of his grandmother's passing.. I know she was beaming with pride looking down on him. Yes, I know I am a sap.

Obama spoke of the historic outcome of last night's election as our victory. I truly believe he is right and hope that even his dissentors will eventually see it that way. My favorite part of the speech, besides the heartfelt moments, was where he spoke of the road to repairing what's broken as being long.. that we may not get there in a year or so but we will get there.. I don't expect overnight changes that will fix all that ails us but we have to have hope. That is what is most important. That is why that line resonated with me. I have hope for the outside world as well as what is happening in my own life with respect to my mom's illness and my son's condition. Without said hope I would have given up a long while ago. They deserve better from me and our country deserves better as well. I hope we all get what we deserve.

OK, hopping off political soapbox now... :)

In the spirit of the election tomorrow...

I have never spoken of any of my political beliefs here on my blog but since tomorrow is a momentous day for my country as well as the rest of the world, here goes it..



Let me preface this by saying that I have never voted Republican in my life so the fact that I am voting for Barack Obama shouldn't come as a shock to anyone who knows me. I may have voted Republican this time out if I felt the candidate was the right one. Obviously, that is not the case. I have respect for John Mc Cain as a maverick (I know - - there goes that word again...) and as a strong dissentor of our current president. I think he's an upstanding American for his service to our country but I wouldn't want to live in a country where someone like Sarah Palin is a heatbeat away from the presidency. She scares me.. plain and simple. Her views are the polar opposite of mine in just about every way and while I have respect for her opinions, I wouldn't want someone in power having them.

No, I don't think Obama is going to the savior of this country.. not at all. But I do think that he'll work his ass off to try to change what is broken. Change is necesary, folks, and this man is up to the challenge. I hope he gets the chance to do it.

OK.. onto another hot topic..




Prop 8.. ah yes, the hot button topic here in California. Since I have no problem with anyone living their lives truthfully and out in the open, this shouldn't shock that I hope this measure goes down in flames. Why shouldn't gays be allowed to marry? I mean, really.. why should I care what others do with their lives? I am not knocking those who do care, but I am just stating the fact that I clearly do not. I really am a live and let live person -- don't harm anyone that I love or me and I am totally fine with whatever you do. That is the way I was raised and how I see most things in life.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow and anxious to see what the outcome will be. I'd like to think that both of the things that I spoke of will go my way but we shall see, won't we?

Can you stand this much cuteness????

Another tooth gone..



Nick as Superman last night...



Mama and her super hero boy...

The ramblings of a tired person...

I am just so damn tired and despite the need of my body for sleep, my brain just flat out won't allow it. I've tried taking over the counter sleep meds, herbal teas, hot baths at bedtime, and alcohol. None of which works and since I worry about the dependency issue, I am not fond of the sleep meds. The other three I mentioned are fine but aren't cutting it either. I can fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion early but after 4 - 5 hrs I am up and it's only about 3 AM. This is odd for a person like me who has never battled insomnia in her life. The only period of time that I had trouble sleeping before was when I was heavily pregnant with Nick.

I know this is being caused by stress and I don't see any end to that anytime soon. My mom hasn't been doing well lately at all. Her pelvic tumors are causing her a great deal of pain and the pain medicine she is on is only helping to a certain point. I feel as if my hands are tied and it sucks badly. I am a fix it person; give me a problem and I will work my ass off to find out the best way to make it better or deal with it. Maybe that's the mom in me.. I wish to kiss boo-boos and make them better. The main problem is that this boo-boo of my moms isn't one that is going to go away and cannot be fixed with love and attention. I think that is part of my problem with this, besides the obvious fear that she is going to leave us soon.. I want to do something, anything to help and I cannot do jack shit.

I was on the phone with 1-800- PANIC yesterday...

There was a 10 minute spell yesterday where my child was out of my sight...

Every parent's worst fear, right?? Compound that with the fact that my child isn't verbal enough to tell anyone his name or his mama's name and/or phone number, and you have a mom who was about to have a serious panic attack for that brief time yesterday.

We were at the pumpkin patch with his class yesterday morning and I turned my back for a second and he took off. The pumpkin patch has a great play area where Nick and his classmates as well as about 50 other kids were playing in. I was standing in a spot where I could see Nick if he left the area or if he was within the gates of the play yard. I paused for a couple of seconds to get something out of my backpack and when I looked up, he was gone. I assumed he went into the play area, most likely into the dirty, wet tunnel I had asked him to stay out of. Because I was so sure he was in there I didn't bother to look outside the structure. Sure enough, that is the direction he took off towards. Nick ran about 400 yards away towards the area where the school buses were. Apparently he had decided enough was enough and wanted to leave. His wonderful teacher was the one who found him after someone alerted her that a little fair haired boy was near the bus area.

It literally took me an hour to stop shaking and to get the point where I could let the boy go. I grabbed onto him and didn't wish to release my grip. He got more hugs and kisses from me in about an hour than he generally gets in a couple of days. If he was verbal he most likely would have told me to stop smothering him, no lie! As soon as he was found I sat him down and looked him right in the eye and explained to him that what he did wasn't safe.. I want him to understand that most people in our world would do the right thing and try to get him returned to me if they found him but there are others who could do him harm. I know for a fact that he understands what I say to him; but certain concepts such as danger and mistrust of strangers allude him completely. All he knows is love because of how we were raising him and also due to his very sweet nature. My son is a mush box -- he gives such sweet love to those around him and is always recpetive to it being returned. I am not sure what I can do to make him understand that while the bubble he lives in is filled with love, the outside world could possibly do him harm. That is a tricky concept.. I don't wish to scare him, per se, just bring things like that to his attention so he has a healthy fear.

I am thinking of attaching an ID bracelet to him when we are in public with his name, my name and phone numbers and other pertinent information like that. At least if he is approached the person who finds him can alert me. I am not an inattentive mom by any means but that kid is sneaky AND fast as a cheetah... two very bad qualities in a child who likes to bolt, if you ask me.

I have a message for Denis Leary....

*STFU!!!

Read this crap:

In his book Why We Suck, Leary writes that most children diagnosed with autism are simply "stupid. Or lazy. Or both." He also asserts, "There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically."

This from a no-talent hack?? Seriously, comments like this boil my butter. If you don't know what you're talking about, and he clearly doesn't, please do the world a huge favor and STFU. He claims his comments were taken out of context.. my question is how?? Did he write this pile of crap in his book that bears his name as the author? Hmmmm.. I believe he did.

Idiot!

*Shut the fuck up

Stepping off soapbox now...

A milestone of sorts...

My baby just lost his first tooth!!

It seems like only yesterday he started getting them in the first place. I'm quite certain that anyone who has a child or is close to child can totally relate to that! Nick is now 6 years old and that astounds me every day thinking of that. He is doing really well in both school and his in-home therapy. I just had a long talk with his teacher and she told me that his verbal abilities have come a long way since he started in her class back in February. He's articulating more and will mimic the syllabes of words that are presented to him. He'll do that for me at times but not as often as he will at school. I'd like for that to change, but as long as he's doing it, I am happy. His behavior is hit and miss. He can be the sweetest child one moment and a total stinker the next. I think that is age appropriate so it isn't something I worry about too much. As long as the sweet moments outweigh the monster ones, all is good in that area.

I haven't written much about my mom lately but here's an update. Nearly fifteen months after receiving the devastating news that her cancer was terminal, she is still with us and doing remarkably well. She's a tough cookie and I am so grateful for that. In addition to being of strong will she is in possession of a fabulous attitiude about this whole situation. I truly believe that has helped keep her with us and I know that her being positive has helped me keep faith as well. I have my days where my fears regarding her condition take over but I do my best to try to push them aside and live for the moment. Whatever will be, will be... that is my motto. I can't do anything to help her besides being there and letting her see the person she loves the most in this world, her grandson. If I could take some of her pain, I would and gladly. Unfortunately that isn't possible so I do what I can, when I can and she is wonderful at telling me how much I am appreciated. It's my pleasure to still have the ability to be able to do that so I will do it as much and for as long as I can. Anyone reading this that knows me knows that I am crying as I sit here typing this.. those aren't tears of sadness, not at all. They are tears of joy because she is still here and we still have this time.

Here are some great pictures that we had taken recently. My mom looks wonderful in these and I know that I will treasure them forever.

Enjoy...
My mom and her beautiful grandsons, Nicholas and Christian



My mom, brother, and I



My favorite picture of my mom and I. And no, we didn't synchronize our outfits.. great minds just think alike..





One last pic of my little man.. LOVE this picture!

Walkin' the walk

This morning I participated in a fundraising walk for Autism Speaks, a wonderful organization dedicated to raising both awareness of this disorder and raising the funds necessary to find a cure. I walked with my son and my sister-in-law and we all enjoyed the 2 mile walk. The weather was lovely and the spirit of all the walkers united to raise money for this awesome cause helped contribute to it being a great experience. I was nervous that my son wouldn't want to walk the whole length but he did wonderfully and behaved really well. He objected to holding my hand the whole time so I let him lag behind me for a spell a few times. He was within my sight and when he felt like catching up to me he did. I think it was the little man asserting his independance a little bit and I was fine with that as long as I knew he was safe and within my reach.

I'm not sure of the amount raised by this walk but I know that I was able to raise close to $400 and I appreciated everyone who helped me make that goal. It is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is needed to raise the money for Autism research but doing it and feeling a part of the community was a great experience for me. I hope to be able to do more in the future.

Thank you to everyone who helped me do this.. I love and appreciate you all. A special thank you goes out to my buddy and sister-in-law Lori. She gave of her time today and I love her for it. LVO, thanks for the laughs and just the joy of your company today. I love you!

Geeze, has it been a year??

I am officially the laziest blogger ever.

I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I last updated this page. I know it's been a long while because when I last blogged we had just put Gizmo down and yesterday was the first anniversary of his passing. I visited this blog and even attempted to update a few times but coming here and seeing how sad my last posts were made me feel those feelings all over again. The first year without him was rough, no doubt about that. He was such a part of me and I still feel like a piece is missing a year later. I still avoid going near the pet food aisles at grocery stores and Target -- I had a few instances where I would have been embarassed if anyone saw me crying just looking at the things I used to buy for him when he was alive. Silly, huh?

Yesterday was a day where I took Giz out of his closet and put his box in the kitchen. I had a few moments of sadness before I left for work and left him in his other favorite room of the house when I departed for the day. When I came home Nick had put Gizzy's box on the couch and had been carrying him around all day. When I asked him where Giz is he'd point at the box and say "Izzzz", as he called him. Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table reading and Nick brought me Gizzy's box, climbed up on my lap, gave me a kiss and ran off. He knew I needed to have him.

Nick may not be very verbal, or at least not yet, but he has a deeper understanding of my needs than anyone I have ever known. I am so lucky to have that boy just as I was lucky to have the beautiful boy who made me a mommy in the first place, Giz.