It's been three months since I last posted here. I have thought many times about coming here to get my feelings out but there are some days that neither talking nor writing about them appeal to me at all. I have spent a good portion of the last three months learning ways to cope with this new life without my mom and focusing on keeping things on an even keel for my son. Nick does better when I have a handle on my own emotions and am calm so that has become a major focus for me. People ask me often how I am doing and it really does change all the time. I honestly try to focus on the happier times and not think of her death. Her life was much more than the agonizing last six weeks that preceeded her passing. Thinking of the times that led up to that make me so much happier. I have so many fond memories of her, especially of the last six or seven years of her life. Those were the years that we really were able to grow closer. Nick was definitely the glue that both bound us and helped seal up the cracks that were there before. Our relationship wasn't always smooth sailing, by any means, but when I look back on it I can easily forget the strife and years where we weren't very close at all. That is a testement to how great the last years were for us and our relationship as mother and daughter.

You know how people always talk about how it's the little things you miss when someone is gone? That is so true in this situation. It's the daily calls, the little things that my child does that I know she would have loved to hear about, and the smile that Nick would get when we approached her house. Those are things that we both miss. The difference is that I can talk about how missing those things make me feel and he cannot. He had it very rough for a long while after she passed. Confusion and sadness led him to act out in ways that were uncharacteristic of him. Every aspect of his life - school, therapy, outings in the community with me, everything - became ordeals. He was finally able to calm down a bit about two months after she passed. He has asked for her in his own way by pointing her to picture and saying "yes" or "please".. which is what he does when he wants something. Those moments are heart-wrenching because there is no possible way for me to give him what he wants. I just remind him she's not in pain anymore and looks out after him now. That is most likely hard for him to completely comprehend but I have always been convinced that his receptive language skills are far superior than I, or anyone else, give him credit for. He is a very smart boy and it's so nice to see him back to being the incredibly sweet, loving boy he always was. His hugs and kisses truly are my tonic and his smile can make me want to join in even when sadness is threatening to take over.

This whole week leading up to my first Mother's Day without her has been really hard for me. It pains me to see all the ads on TV.. they only remind me that she isn't here for me to buy a gift for or honor her on her day. I know that will get easier because everything does in time, doesn't it? I truly think the only constant in life is change - it always happens and sometimes whether we'd like to or not. Life cycles around us and while some of it is painful, like a loss, time heals. I say that to myself over and over and maybe someday it will finally ring true for me. Besides change the only truly consistent thing in my whole life was my mom. We had times where we were on the outs but we most definitely had more good times than bad. She was both my mother, father and friend. She had told many people prior to her passing that she had thought that I'd take her loss the hardest. I don't know about that because I don't think it's fair for me to say my pain is deeper or try to speak as to how someone else is affected by this. All I know is this - this loss has been the single most defining thing that has ever happened to be with the exception of having my beautiful boy. As what happened when I became a mom this has changed me considerably. I definitely see life as more precious and value the people I love even more. I also realize that not only is life something to be treasured, its often too short. I'm attempting to live life to the fullest even more now. This is what I consider part of the healing process and hopefully will stick with me. I have a child to raise and a life to live. Doing both without my mom wasn't something that I thought I would have to do for many years but life threw us all a huge curveball, wouldn't you say? I don't have any great baseball metaphors to use here so I won't even try, but all I know is this - she would want to me to do both of those to the best of my ability and with gusto so that is exactly what I am trying to do.