I am just so damn tired and despite the need of my body for sleep, my brain just flat out won't allow it. I've tried taking over the counter sleep meds, herbal teas, hot baths at bedtime, and alcohol. None of which works and since I worry about the dependency issue, I am not fond of the sleep meds. The other three I mentioned are fine but aren't cutting it either. I can fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion early but after 4 - 5 hrs I am up and it's only about 3 AM. This is odd for a person like me who has never battled insomnia in her life. The only period of time that I had trouble sleeping before was when I was heavily pregnant with Nick.
I know this is being caused by stress and I don't see any end to that anytime soon. My mom hasn't been doing well lately at all. Her pelvic tumors are causing her a great deal of pain and the pain medicine she is on is only helping to a certain point. I feel as if my hands are tied and it sucks badly. I am a fix it person; give me a problem and I will work my ass off to find out the best way to make it better or deal with it. Maybe that's the mom in me.. I wish to kiss boo-boos and make them better. The main problem is that this boo-boo of my moms isn't one that is going to go away and cannot be fixed with love and attention. I think that is part of my problem with this, besides the obvious fear that she is going to leave us soon.. I want to do something, anything to help and I cannot do jack shit.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I was on the phone with 1-800- PANIC yesterday...
There was a 10 minute spell yesterday where my child was out of my sight...
Every parent's worst fear, right?? Compound that with the fact that my child isn't verbal enough to tell anyone his name or his mama's name and/or phone number, and you have a mom who was about to have a serious panic attack for that brief time yesterday.
We were at the pumpkin patch with his class yesterday morning and I turned my back for a second and he took off. The pumpkin patch has a great play area where Nick and his classmates as well as about 50 other kids were playing in. I was standing in a spot where I could see Nick if he left the area or if he was within the gates of the play yard. I paused for a couple of seconds to get something out of my backpack and when I looked up, he was gone. I assumed he went into the play area, most likely into the dirty, wet tunnel I had asked him to stay out of. Because I was so sure he was in there I didn't bother to look outside the structure. Sure enough, that is the direction he took off towards. Nick ran about 400 yards away towards the area where the school buses were. Apparently he had decided enough was enough and wanted to leave. His wonderful teacher was the one who found him after someone alerted her that a little fair haired boy was near the bus area.
It literally took me an hour to stop shaking and to get the point where I could let the boy go. I grabbed onto him and didn't wish to release my grip. He got more hugs and kisses from me in about an hour than he generally gets in a couple of days. If he was verbal he most likely would have told me to stop smothering him, no lie! As soon as he was found I sat him down and looked him right in the eye and explained to him that what he did wasn't safe.. I want him to understand that most people in our world would do the right thing and try to get him returned to me if they found him but there are others who could do him harm. I know for a fact that he understands what I say to him; but certain concepts such as danger and mistrust of strangers allude him completely. All he knows is love because of how we were raising him and also due to his very sweet nature. My son is a mush box -- he gives such sweet love to those around him and is always recpetive to it being returned. I am not sure what I can do to make him understand that while the bubble he lives in is filled with love, the outside world could possibly do him harm. That is a tricky concept.. I don't wish to scare him, per se, just bring things like that to his attention so he has a healthy fear.
I am thinking of attaching an ID bracelet to him when we are in public with his name, my name and phone numbers and other pertinent information like that. At least if he is approached the person who finds him can alert me. I am not an inattentive mom by any means but that kid is sneaky AND fast as a cheetah... two very bad qualities in a child who likes to bolt, if you ask me.
Every parent's worst fear, right?? Compound that with the fact that my child isn't verbal enough to tell anyone his name or his mama's name and/or phone number, and you have a mom who was about to have a serious panic attack for that brief time yesterday.
We were at the pumpkin patch with his class yesterday morning and I turned my back for a second and he took off. The pumpkin patch has a great play area where Nick and his classmates as well as about 50 other kids were playing in. I was standing in a spot where I could see Nick if he left the area or if he was within the gates of the play yard. I paused for a couple of seconds to get something out of my backpack and when I looked up, he was gone. I assumed he went into the play area, most likely into the dirty, wet tunnel I had asked him to stay out of. Because I was so sure he was in there I didn't bother to look outside the structure. Sure enough, that is the direction he took off towards. Nick ran about 400 yards away towards the area where the school buses were. Apparently he had decided enough was enough and wanted to leave. His wonderful teacher was the one who found him after someone alerted her that a little fair haired boy was near the bus area.
It literally took me an hour to stop shaking and to get the point where I could let the boy go. I grabbed onto him and didn't wish to release my grip. He got more hugs and kisses from me in about an hour than he generally gets in a couple of days. If he was verbal he most likely would have told me to stop smothering him, no lie! As soon as he was found I sat him down and looked him right in the eye and explained to him that what he did wasn't safe.. I want him to understand that most people in our world would do the right thing and try to get him returned to me if they found him but there are others who could do him harm. I know for a fact that he understands what I say to him; but certain concepts such as danger and mistrust of strangers allude him completely. All he knows is love because of how we were raising him and also due to his very sweet nature. My son is a mush box -- he gives such sweet love to those around him and is always recpetive to it being returned. I am not sure what I can do to make him understand that while the bubble he lives in is filled with love, the outside world could possibly do him harm. That is a tricky concept.. I don't wish to scare him, per se, just bring things like that to his attention so he has a healthy fear.
I am thinking of attaching an ID bracelet to him when we are in public with his name, my name and phone numbers and other pertinent information like that. At least if he is approached the person who finds him can alert me. I am not an inattentive mom by any means but that kid is sneaky AND fast as a cheetah... two very bad qualities in a child who likes to bolt, if you ask me.
Friday, October 17, 2008
I have a message for Denis Leary....
*STFU!!!
Read this crap:
In his book Why We Suck, Leary writes that most children diagnosed with autism are simply "stupid. Or lazy. Or both." He also asserts, "There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically."
This from a no-talent hack?? Seriously, comments like this boil my butter. If you don't know what you're talking about, and he clearly doesn't, please do the world a huge favor and STFU. He claims his comments were taken out of context.. my question is how?? Did he write this pile of crap in his book that bears his name as the author? Hmmmm.. I believe he did.
Idiot!
*Shut the fuck up
Stepping off soapbox now...
Read this crap:
In his book Why We Suck, Leary writes that most children diagnosed with autism are simply "stupid. Or lazy. Or both." He also asserts, "There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically."
This from a no-talent hack?? Seriously, comments like this boil my butter. If you don't know what you're talking about, and he clearly doesn't, please do the world a huge favor and STFU. He claims his comments were taken out of context.. my question is how?? Did he write this pile of crap in his book that bears his name as the author? Hmmmm.. I believe he did.
Idiot!
*Shut the fuck up
Stepping off soapbox now...
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
A milestone of sorts...
My baby just lost his first tooth!!
It seems like only yesterday he started getting them in the first place. I'm quite certain that anyone who has a child or is close to child can totally relate to that! Nick is now 6 years old and that astounds me every day thinking of that. He is doing really well in both school and his in-home therapy. I just had a long talk with his teacher and she told me that his verbal abilities have come a long way since he started in her class back in February. He's articulating more and will mimic the syllabes of words that are presented to him. He'll do that for me at times but not as often as he will at school. I'd like for that to change, but as long as he's doing it, I am happy. His behavior is hit and miss. He can be the sweetest child one moment and a total stinker the next. I think that is age appropriate so it isn't something I worry about too much. As long as the sweet moments outweigh the monster ones, all is good in that area.
I haven't written much about my mom lately but here's an update. Nearly fifteen months after receiving the devastating news that her cancer was terminal, she is still with us and doing remarkably well. She's a tough cookie and I am so grateful for that. In addition to being of strong will she is in possession of a fabulous attitiude about this whole situation. I truly believe that has helped keep her with us and I know that her being positive has helped me keep faith as well. I have my days where my fears regarding her condition take over but I do my best to try to push them aside and live for the moment. Whatever will be, will be... that is my motto. I can't do anything to help her besides being there and letting her see the person she loves the most in this world, her grandson. If I could take some of her pain, I would and gladly. Unfortunately that isn't possible so I do what I can, when I can and she is wonderful at telling me how much I am appreciated. It's my pleasure to still have the ability to be able to do that so I will do it as much and for as long as I can. Anyone reading this that knows me knows that I am crying as I sit here typing this.. those aren't tears of sadness, not at all. They are tears of joy because she is still here and we still have this time.
Here are some great pictures that we had taken recently. My mom looks wonderful in these and I know that I will treasure them forever.
Enjoy...
My mom and her beautiful grandsons, Nicholas and Christian
My mom, brother, and I
My favorite picture of my mom and I. And no, we didn't synchronize our outfits.. great minds just think alike..
One last pic of my little man.. LOVE this picture!
It seems like only yesterday he started getting them in the first place. I'm quite certain that anyone who has a child or is close to child can totally relate to that! Nick is now 6 years old and that astounds me every day thinking of that. He is doing really well in both school and his in-home therapy. I just had a long talk with his teacher and she told me that his verbal abilities have come a long way since he started in her class back in February. He's articulating more and will mimic the syllabes of words that are presented to him. He'll do that for me at times but not as often as he will at school. I'd like for that to change, but as long as he's doing it, I am happy. His behavior is hit and miss. He can be the sweetest child one moment and a total stinker the next. I think that is age appropriate so it isn't something I worry about too much. As long as the sweet moments outweigh the monster ones, all is good in that area.
I haven't written much about my mom lately but here's an update. Nearly fifteen months after receiving the devastating news that her cancer was terminal, she is still with us and doing remarkably well. She's a tough cookie and I am so grateful for that. In addition to being of strong will she is in possession of a fabulous attitiude about this whole situation. I truly believe that has helped keep her with us and I know that her being positive has helped me keep faith as well. I have my days where my fears regarding her condition take over but I do my best to try to push them aside and live for the moment. Whatever will be, will be... that is my motto. I can't do anything to help her besides being there and letting her see the person she loves the most in this world, her grandson. If I could take some of her pain, I would and gladly. Unfortunately that isn't possible so I do what I can, when I can and she is wonderful at telling me how much I am appreciated. It's my pleasure to still have the ability to be able to do that so I will do it as much and for as long as I can. Anyone reading this that knows me knows that I am crying as I sit here typing this.. those aren't tears of sadness, not at all. They are tears of joy because she is still here and we still have this time.
Here are some great pictures that we had taken recently. My mom looks wonderful in these and I know that I will treasure them forever.
Enjoy...
My mom and her beautiful grandsons, Nicholas and Christian
My mom, brother, and I
My favorite picture of my mom and I. And no, we didn't synchronize our outfits.. great minds just think alike..
One last pic of my little man.. LOVE this picture!
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