A good question

This afternoon while my son and I were at Target I had a nice exchange with the cashier. He was a pleasant guy who seemed very friendly. While we were being rung up for our purchase he noticed that Nick was vocally stimming. Stimming, or self-stimulatory behaviors, are practices common with autistic children. They are behaviors that an autistic person uses repetitively to soothe him or herself. My boy stims vocally more than any other way. He makes sounds, sometimes not so quietly, that often attracts the stares of people while were out in public. Today he was making this sound that kind of sounds like a rooster.. it's cute and just his thing. The checker noticed him doing it and I noticed him reacting to the sound Nick was making. He didn't stare at him with a dumbfounded look like I've seen others do but seemed curious about the noise. He asked me if he could ask me a question. He was curious if Nick was special needs. Because he asked it in such a respectful way I talked to him briefly about it. I told him that he was indeed autistic and yes, he was quite special. He apologized and said that he really shouldn't be asking people personal questions but really was curious. That kind of respectful curiosity always makes me want to answer whatever it is people want to know. I much prefer that to the the occasional stare or judgemental look that comes our way.

I don't make it a practice to talk to strangers about anything truly personal. In no way and I mean NO possible way am I ashamed of my child. My main reason that I don't discuss Nick's autism with people I don't know very often is that I don't want to draw attention to it. My wish for him is to have him blend in as much as possible with others his age. That's not the same as trying to hide his disorder. It's merely my way of wanting to see my child flourish in a world where questions regarding his behavior aren't always as respectful.

All I say can say about anyone who judges Nick before they get to know him and fails to appreciate how incredible he is -- it's your loss, buddy.

Words of wisdom.. not from me, of course

Every now and then I find something written, usually online, that really moves me. I found this wonderful Jewish proverb that reads " A mother understands what a child does not say". I read that months ago and for some reason chose to write it down. I guess I knew that I wouldn't remember it since I'm not good at remembering quotes. I'll remember lines from movies that I've seen over and over again, but ask me to recall something important and I'll draw a blank more often than not. This is much more meaningful than any quote from a John Hughes movie of my past or a Kevin Smith movie representative of my present tastes. The quote struck a chord with me because my son isn't verbal enough to tell you things that you wish he could. For instance, I know, I mean I KNOW he loves me.. not only does he show it in abundance, but even if he didn't or wasn't able to, I'd know. The looks he gives me alone are enough to make me aware of that. Rather than saying "I love you mama" with his words he says it with his very expressive eyes and the bear hugs he gives with such force that sometimes you think he is a little bear.

That quote resonates with me because of what I know to be true about my son. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that gift. Words will come, I know that. In the meantime I know what he's feeling. That's enough for now.

Welcome to my world..

I'm the proud mother of a little guy that I consider to be the sweetest, most adorable boy on the planet. I know... every mother sees their child in that light so I know you'll take what I say about him with a grain of salt. Nick is smart, sweet, loving and he holds my heart in the palm of his hands. In many ways he's your typical 4-year-old boy. He loves cars, playing in water, being outdoors and getting as dirty as humanly possible. In other ways he stands apart from his same age counterparts. He often retreats to a world of his own where his best friend is a noisy sea sponge he faithfully watches on TV. He lacks the vocal ability to tell when something's bothering him so we look for clues and try to meet his needs through intuition and using what has worked in the past. You see, my child has autism. A couple of years ago I couldn't even write those words without crying, but time makes the realization of it much easier. That's not to say that I don't have moments where I worry about how his autism will affect how he goes about his life and how people will see him. Those thoughts are foremost in my mind on a daily basis. They just easier to deal now since he has  made some progress and has assimilated into situations like school with ease.

When Nick was first diagnosed back in May 2005 I was faced with many questions. The one regarding the prognosis for his future was the one that I heard the most. I knew at the time that would be the hardest one to answer and I was right. It's been two years since he was diagnosed and I still don't know what to say when asked that. Time will tell, that's really all I can say. Autism is such a puzzling disorder that there isn't any wonder why the symbol of a puzzle has become connected to it. It's a condition that baffles even the most experienced researchers who have dedicated their careers to trying to figure it out.  What I am the most grateful for is how much IS known about it now and how that knowledge has given way to treatments that eluded children who struggled with it in the past.

Do I wish that my child wasn't afflicted with this disorder? Sure, but that isn't his, or our reality. I'm not even fond of talking about that kind of wish. He is what he is.. if that makes sense. To wish him to be otherwise would be like wanting him to be a different person. I happen to love the little person he is too much for that. I think the quirks that set him apart from others in his age group are adorable because they're his. They help make up the person who I'll spend the rest of my life loving and being grateful for.

I hope to enable anyone who reads this blog who doesn't know him to get to know the boy he is.. he's pretty amazing, but like I said before - I am biased.