Last post of the year.. and decade.

I find it so hard to believe that the first decade of the 21st century is about to be over with. All New Year's eves find me being very introspective and thinking of the year that's about to end and this one isn't an exception. The big difference is that I am thinking of the decade gone by as well and how much changed in that time span. I've had loved ones come and go, became a parent, a homeowner, and feel as if I am come into my own. In short -- I grew up.

The years 2007-2009 were, without a doubt, the hardest ones for me and the people I love. Many changes, sorrow, hardship, and struggles characterize those years. I am an optomist.. I believe that things will turn around. If I didn't have that mindset I don't know how I'd face the future. I believe that my child will continue to flourish in his therapies and rise to the level that is possible for him to function independantly in society. I never let myself think of things being any other way. My hopes may not come true but they won't for a lack of faith on my part in his ability to do so. He's amazing, brilliant, and so very capable of so much more than he shows at this point. He's simply the best and truly the best thing to not only happen to me in this past decade but my whole life. I'm a lucky mama.

As far as the sad things that happened this past decade - the loss of my mom, dog, and father-in-law.. well, those still sting and always will, I am sure. To deal with those blows I tend to think often of just how lucky I was to have them in my life in the first place. It's that type of thinking that allows me to cope with the pain of losing someone. The facts of life, like death itself, may rob us of the people we love but nothing can erase good memories.

Here's to hoping that the next decade brings joy, happiness, and much less strife to my life and those around me.

Happy New Year :)

About my mom..

Try as I may I cannot sum up my mom in a few sentences or by using some of the common adjectives that one usually uses to describe someone that they love. To me my mom was more than the sum of her parts and was a force of nature. I believe I have already used that expression to describe her and it really does or did fit. One of the hardest parts of losing her is remembering to use the past tense while describing her. I still find myself using the present tense alot and I am sure that's very common.

Like most of us my mom was on a quest her whole life to find love. She never really felt it from her own mother so she chose - yes, chose - to become a mother at a very young age. She believed that by having me she could create a person who would always love her and help fill the empty void that was inside her. To say she had bad luck with men was an understatement. I like to think of it this way.. my mom was blessed with two great males in her life.. her father and my son. One way to see it is that her life was bookended by the presence of those two great guys. She began her life with my sweet grandpa who was devoted to her and ended it with my son who felt the same about his Nana. My grandpa was one of the most wonderful, kind, caring men to have ever lived and well, the little man who brought her so much joy at the end is pretty damn great as well.

One of my most favorite things about my mom was the simple fact that she was completely incapable of being phony and hated any bullshit of any kind. She was honest with her emotions but had tact and never wielded her words as weapons as some do. You always knew where you stood with her - I think anyone who knew her would agree with me on that. She hated pretense with a passion and was open to all types of people.

To my mom her friends were as important as family. She didn't grow up close to her only sibling, my uncle Frank, but they later developed a loving relationship. The friends she was fortunate to collect over the years became the family she wasn't close to. Just this past week I have received a few phone calls from the people who were close to her for many years and stayed loyal until the end. One thing about my mom that shows quite a bit about her character is the fact that she wasn't a fair weather friend to those in her life. If she loved you, you knew it and she was the type who would back you to the wall and unleash her claws on those who tried to cause her loved ones harm. When I was a little girl I used to think she placed too much emphasis on her friends, but as I grew up I understood that it was her friends who sustained her when life threw many challenges her way. She had it very rough as a single mom to my brother and I and if it wasn't for the people who rallied around her she may have crumbled under the pressure.

I know I have spoken at length about how much my child meant to my mom and it's so very true. She had wanted to become a grandparent for many years and was beyond thrilled to learn that I was pregnant. Although we had had our disagreements in the past my son coming along mended all those fences and bound us together. She was so involved in every aspect of my pregnancy yet did it in the most respectable, non-intrusive way possible. She was understanding of my decision to not have family present in the delivery room and never pressured me to change my mind. My mom was just like that.. very accepting and had the best habit of letting me make my own decision without over-stepping any boundaries with me. I was the same with her.. if she wanted to tell me something, she would. I always knew she had her reasons if she chose to not share something with me and I never felt slighted. You know the expression that women often turn into their mothers? Well, I can see shades of my mom in me, for sure. I had seen them before she passed but even more so in the year since.

This whole week leading up to the anniversary of her passing has been a hard one for me. I keep thinking of how she was a year ago and so close to death. A year ago all she wished for was to free of her pain - she even said that out loud. She was ready to die and end that suffering that plagued her. When she did die I felt some relief but a year later that is magnified. I understand that was keeping me from feeling total relief then was my own selfish feelings of loss. I don't knock myself for them because I think that's a natural reaction when you lose someone. You wonder how you'll make it without them and what your life will look and feel like without them around. I did that and sometimes I still do wonder what my life will be like while I am continuing to learn to live without her. If I had to describe to someone what it has felt for me without her the best I could do is to liken it to jumping out of an airplane and not knowing for sure if your parachute will work. I've had moments where I felt like I was free falling and wasn't sure if anyone else could catch me. That's not to put down the people that are in my life that provide me with love and support at all.. it's just that nobody did that like my mom and I highly doubt anyone could ever again.

One thing that makes me both laugh and cry a bit is when I think of all the things she said to me in the morphine induced state she was in for the last week of her life. She and I had some wonderful bonding moments those last few days, particularly when nobody else was there and I was sitting at her bedside. She never lost her spunk or sense of humor, even telling me to shut up the day before she died when my fussing over her became annoying and then asking me when I left the room afterwards if she had pissed me off to the point where I wasn't going to come back. I remember laughing and telling her that I would be there as long as she was. And I was and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Today, December 10th marks a whole year since she lost her fight. I don't see it as her leaving us because in so many ways she is still here. I feel her presence often, especially when I am with my son. When he and I have our quiet moments I will often talk about her and tell him that she loves him. His response is generally to smile and sometimes say her name. Nick and his na, as he called her, forged an awesome bond. One of the things I miss most is seeing them both light up when they saw each other. I don't think my son could've asked for a better na and one of the saddest things about her not being around anymore is how much he'll miss out on that. I do my best to keep the memory of her alive as my mom did for me and my brother when my grandpa died. I'd say she misses out too except I really do believe she is still with us. I can't call her up and tell her the really, super cute thing that he just did but it's ok - she already knows.

It's been a year and the pain has dulled a bit but days like today open up that wound just a little. I am sad today but I feel comforted knowing she's in a better place and is at peace. That's all I could ask for concerning her. She suffered and wanted that to end and since none of us are ever presented with a third option in that case, what happened to her by passing on is for the best. That being said I still allow myself to feel some grief. I love and miss her and I know I always will.

The cutest little Vulcan boy ever!

This Halloween Nicky went out dressed up as Mr. Spock. Timely costume since the movie was such a big hit over the summer. I imagined that he'd look cute as that but he surpassed even my expectations! He was a great sport that night and wore the ears and let me paint on exaggerated dark eyebrows to complete the look. The only thing he didn't want to do was sit still for pictures - there was too much going on and candy to be had, it appears.

I was so proud of my little guy that night and think he was adorable in that costume.. I realize I already mentioned that but he was cute enough for it to be stressed yet again.

I spent my birthday exactly as I had hoped I would, with my mother at the beach where she had requested her ashes to be placed. Going over there alone was what I needed to do on that day, my birthday gift to myself. I set out in late morning and spent about an hour and a half at what will forever be known to me as her beach. It was very chilly that day and there were only two people on the beach the whole time I was there. That solitude was an added bonus to the whole experience for me. I really did want to be alone with her and feel free to show my emotions while there. And show them I did.. the emotions I felt that day being with her there ran the gamut from happy to sad, with just about every emotion in between. I really did feel her presence too. I sat there and listened to music on my Ipod, songs I knew she loved. I spoke to her at length, even though I knew she already was aware of everything I was saying to her even before I spoke. If she was alive I would have spent the day with her; going over there was the one way I still could. The cool ocean breezes and the wonderful smell of salt water soothed me as I stood there near the surf. Each deep breath of that felt like heaven to me. Scent memory is such a powerful thing for me so I put some the scent that mom always wore, Skin Musk, on a sweatshirt and took it with me to be able to both feel her and smell her at the same time. That was a powerful combination but so comforting at the same time.

Here are some pictures I took that day..

This is a picture of the campground/beach sign. The significance of this beach lies in the name and I wanted to get a pic of that. My mom's last name her whole life was Wright and when I told her about this beach and took her there the summer before she died she told me she couldn't think of a better place to be set free.
















This last picture is my personal favorite taken that day. I love the way the water is stretched out like a sheet.



Thank you again to all my friends who helped me ring in my 40th birthday and all of those who sent birthday wishes, even if they were in the form of a countdown to my 50th birthday. That person knows who he is but I can get great joy in knowing he'll make it there before I do, so HA!

A woman on the verge...

Of turning 40

My fortieth birthday is tomorrow and I am not as ambivilent about that coming milestone as I had thought I would be. Yes, 40 sounds old, even compared to 39 but it's not the end of the world. I am choosing to see my 40's as my prime. My mom had always said that life begins at that age. She was at a place at that age where both of her children were nearly grown - I was 23 and my brother was 17 - and she felt good about her place in her life. My child is far from grown and I see my life as work in progress. I like to think of how I viewed myself ten years ago when I was on the cusp of my thirties and compare that to how I see myself now. There is no question that I view myself and my life as a whole in a more favorable light. I see my thirties as the most tranistional decade of my life so far. Many changes happened during that time span and I feel as if I came into my own during that decade. I experienced the greatest joy of my life as well as the greatest sorrrow. Becoming a mom was obviously the high point and losing my own took any sorrow I had felt before to a new depth.


The biggest reason for this personal growth is that my 30's ushered me into my most special period thus far - motherhood. Becoming a mom made me not only realize my womanhood but wish to celebrate it as well. I had a renewed respect for what my body was able to do, even though women have been doing that for eons. For me it was a unique experience that made me feel more like a woman than I had ever felt before. That feeling continued for me even after having my baby. I really think that motherhood made me complete. That is not to say that a woman needs to be a mother to feel that way; I am only saying that it helped fulfill me that way. Before then I wondered exactly what my purpose was - with having Nick I finally knew and felt like I had contributed something worthwile to not only my life but everyone around me.

What will my 40's bring?? Who knows.. but I can say this - I am ready for whatever life throws my way. Even though I often feel weak I know I am stronger than I have ever been. I am entering my first decade without the person who has always been there for me yet I don't feel as alone as I had thought I would. She's still with me, just not physically here. I am sad that she's not here to celebrate my birthday with me, but she is with me.

My mom was one of those very lucky people who was able to cultivate many long-lasting friendships. Her oldest and dearest friends were a couple whose daughter is my age. The girl and I didn't stay friends but her parents and my mom were able to stay close until my mom died. One of the saddest tasks that I had the afternoon she died was to call them and let them she had passed. Many calls were made for me but calling them was the one I chose to tackle. The moment Laura answered the phone she knew why I had called. She was expecting this, as we all were, but was nevertheless shaken by the news. I don't remember much of that conversation but do recall both of us laughing, crying, and trying to comfort each other. Laura and her husband Greg were just two of the people whose lives were touched by my mom. Another such person was her friend Michelle. They knew each other for a slightly shorter length of time but had a bond that was a wonderful thing to see. For nearly a quarter of a century my mom and Michelle together went through all that life threw in their direction. My mom was there when both of Michelle's daughters were born, as well as one of her granddaughters. They worked together, played along side each other, and had an uncanny ability to finish each others sentences. Michelle was right there with my mom throughout her illness and took her to all of the appointments that I was unable to take her to. She was also the person who was with her when she passed on. On the Saturday prior to my mom's passing Michelle began to feel ill so she stayed away for a few days. She felt well enough on Wednesday to come over and visit. I had been there all morning long, only leaving for a short while to visit a friend who was leaving town. When I knew my mom was in good hands with her closest friend I decided to go home for a while to see my boy. It was when I went home that she passed away. Her friend was meant to be there to witness that, not me. I had told her when I left that afternoon that I was OK with her leaving and that I only wanted her to be at peace. I had begun to say that to her each time I went home over the previous four days. I didn't think she was waiting for my permission or anything, but I did think it was important to let her know I was ready to let her go.

I think it's such a beautiful tribute to the friendship that my mom and Michelle had that she chose to leave while her friend was at her side. Some may argue that we don't chose that but I disagree. They experienced all the cycles of life together prior to my mom's passing and with her being there for that they truly did go full circle together. I don't see Michelle very often anymore but I do feel like I am experiencing a bit of my mom still being here with me when I am around her. Even hugging her feels like a hug from my mom.. that warm, enveloping feeling that only a mom can give to her child.

Today is the nine month anniversary of her passing. The pain is still there on a daily basis as is the feeling that something very vital is missing from my life. I sometimes wish I was one of those people for whom the passing of a parent was a fairly easy thing but I think it's a tribute to how close we were that it has not been an easy transition. I do my best not to dwell on my sadness, I really do, but on each monthly anniversary of her leaving it feels like the wound opens up just a little. I'm really dreading the year anniversary in three months. I know she wouldn't want me to dwell on her death but celebrate her life instead. I am hoping that will become easier in the years to come. The old adage about time being the best healer is true but it is so slow. William Shakespeare said that grief makes one hour ten and that is something I can definitely relate to. I don't expect to ever be completely free of sadness regarding her passing, but I do hope that when I come to point of acceptance - the final stage of grief - it will become more real to me and going on will be easier. Time not only heals but it will tell, I suppose.

I came across a list recently that I really wanted to share here and comment on.

The Nine 'Rules' For Parents Of A Child With Special Needs

1. Take one day at a time, and take that day positively. You don't have control over the future, but you do have control over today.

Such an important thing to think about.. as a parent of a special needs child I worry about his future perhaps a bit more than the parent of a typically developed kid. Truth be told, there isn't a damn thing I can do about beyond giving him access to the therapies he needs, doing my part in implementing their teaching tactics, and providing my son with all the love and encouragement I can muster up.

2. Never underestimate your child's potential. Allow, encourage, and expect your child to develop to the best of his abilities.

I hope I do that consistently, especially the first part about never underestimating him. I think that if he were to ever see me do that he will follow suit.

3. Find and allow positive mentors: parents and professionals who can share with your their experiences, advice, and support.

I need to work on this.. I do have a great friend whose son is the same age as mine. She and I have been on this journey together for a long time. More about her later though..

4. Provide and be involved with the most appropriate educational learning environments for your child from infancy on.

This is one rule that I pride myself in being a stickler on. I have been involved in each aspect of his education thus far and have accompanied his classes on each of their field trips. I think I have just as much fun as the boy does and it gives me to chance to get to know and talk with his teachers and aides.

5. Keep in mind the feelings and needs of your spouse and your other children. Remind them that this child does not get more of your love just because this child needs/gets more of your time.

Ok, ok.. I'll concede that I am guilty on this one. The needs of everyone, including myself, have all taken a back seat to Nick.

6. Answer only to your conscience; then you will be able to answer to your child. Allow yourself jealousy, anger, pity, frustration, and depression in small amounts whenever necessary.

This is another hard one.. I don't like to allow myself to feel those feelings too often. When I think of my son's disability I honestly try to see it only from his standpoint and how it effects him. Yes, I am effected by my son being autistic but not in the same league he is. To feel those feelings mentioned would make me feel like I am being ungrateful for just what an amazing guy he is.

7. Be kind to yourself. Don't focus continually on what needs to be done. Remember to look at what you've accomplished.

I honestly do try to work on this one. I know that Nick is happier when I am too so taking that in account makes me wish to do things that benefit us both.

8. Stop to smell the roses. Take advantage of the fact that you have gained a special appreciation for the little miracles that others take for granted.

I really like this one and totally agree. I am ever grateful for anything my child says and praise him for every attempt at communication.

9. Keep and use your sense of humor. Cracking up with laughter can keep you from cracking up with stress.

Also, very true. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a goofy sense of humor. I truly believe that wit is an important element in keeping ones sanity.


I'd like to post something here about a great lady that I admire and love. Five years ago I met Taria on an online baby site. We're clear across the country from each other yet became great friends. Our boys are the same age and are both autistic. She's been my partner on this journey through diagnoses, therapies, and the tracking of our boys progresses. I am grateful for her sense of humor and kindness and think she's an amazing person. This afternoon she gave birth to her much wanted second child and I couldn't be happier for her. Welcome to the world, Justin.. you are a lucky little man indeed. Love ya, T :)

First day of school

Nick went back to school this morning after a month and a half long break. His old class was merged with another special needs class at a different school than he had been attending. Budget cuts forced the school district to combine classes and now he's back at a school he attended for the half of his kindergarten year. That particular class wasn't a good fit for him so I arranged to have him transferred to one that his teacher and I felt was a better match. It was a gamble that paid off as it proved to be an environment that was better suited to his particular needs. He will still have the same teacher he's had for the last year and a half and I am so grateful for that. Sadly none of the aides that he'd become used to and fond of made the switch to the new campus so that will be an adjustment for Nick as well as his classmates. I drove him to school this morning to help make the transition easier for him. He seemed a bit confused when we first got there but smiled and hugged his teacher when he saw her. I think as long as Nick has some familiar faces he will be fine. Thankfully he does well with change, for the most part. He adjusts fairly quickly to new situations and people as well.

I was bound and determined to take a couple of pics of my now second grader this morning.. as you can see he was not making it easy for his snap happy mama:









One can tell from looking at these pictures that he was tired and just not in a cooperating mood today. I show them here because I came to a conclusion a long time ago and that is this - my child is so photogenic that there is no such thing as a bad picture of him. I'm insanely proud of him hence the constant sharing.

Happy Birthday baby boy!

Consider some stats here..

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

7:48 PM

7lbs 9oz, 20 inches long

Black of hair, blue eyes

Lips the color of cherry kool aid

A very proud, exhausted mama there to gape at him in amazement when he was handed to me for the first time


Thursday, August 13, 2009

50 lbs even, 47 inches

Light brown hair, eyes a lovely mix of gray and green

Still in possession of the nicest set of lips known to man

A very proud, often tired mama who still thinks the sun rises and sets on that little dude


I cannot believe my baby is seven years old today. That doesn't seem possible at all. Sometimes if I really try I can remember how it felt to have him living in my body. All that time spent connected, literally and in every other way you could possibly imagine. I wasn't one of those women who loved being pregnant but I enjoyed that connection with my child while he was still my passenger. I recall laying there feeling him move and imagining how different my life will be when he would be moving on the outside instead. Looking back I don't think I had a clue. I knew of love before I met him but not of this strain. I suppose my first aha moment of how things were to about to be so different from before was that feeling I felt when I finally got to meet my boy. I was dumbfounded, for sure. A completely surreal feeling washed over me.. It was amazing to think that this person I was holding had emerged from my body and was my child. I'm a highly emotional person by nature but I was too overwhelmed to cry when I first saw him. The tears and realization that he was indeed here and mine came later on that night. I remember trying to feed him and looking down at his little face and having it all hit me at once - the love I felt for him and the feeling of total bliss and contentment.

Seven years later those feelings are still there, magnified times ten. He has brought so much to my world that I could spend the rest of my life thanking him for making it a better place and it wouldn't be enough. His smiles are my own form of Valium; soothing me when not much else even stands the chance. There has never been another person who has made me feel more loved and valued than that little man. Since the night he was born we've had this amazing bond. People have often said that we are each other's world and I happen to agree and that fact is one of the things in life that I am most grateful for. I've always seen some good examples of how good the mother/son bond could be and I am so grateful I was given the chance to forage that with my little man.

Life has thrown us some twists and turns in the past seven years and the only constant has been the great bond we've had. When he was diagnosed with Autism I honestly didn't know if I was capable of raising a special needs child .. I often wondered if I could rise to the task for him and give him all that he needs to thrive. I still have my days where I wonder that. Supermom I am not, but I am a very loving one and make it my goal that my child is on a constant drip of love from me. It's paramount to me that he knows I accept him as well. I am grateful for each of his abilities and hold out hope that the remaining areas of deficit will show progress. I am thankful that he only has Autism and not an incurable condition and I am so acutely aware of how lucky I am that he is able to express and receive affection. With him not being verbal enough to say "I love you, mama" it would be quite hard if he wasn't the type to express those sentiments with endless kisses and hugs. Thankfully he's a total mush box and I am the lucky one who reaps the benefits of that the most. As I said before, I don't let myself wish he was typically developed. He is who he is and I happen to think that he's amazing, sweet, very smart and simply the cutest boy ever. Bias much, right? You bet!

One of my favorite children's books is one called "I Love You as Much..." Each page of the book shows a baby animal with its mother and is told in a lullaby rhyme form. The mother whale says to her child, "I love you as much as the ocean is deep" and the mother mountain goat tells her baby that she loves him as much as the mountain is steep and so forth. Beautiful sentiments in all but my favorite passage accompanies a depiction of a human mother and her sleeping child and the last line of the book is as follows:

"Now sleep, child of mine, while the stars shine above - I love you as much as a mother can love"

I cannot read that line without tearing up. Such heartfelt words that I completely agree with. There is nothing like that love and I think.. no, I know that I lucked out being given this child. A great person recently said to me that Nick got a break when the big guy handed out moms. Quite flattering but I think it's very mutual. I couldn't ask for a more loving, sweet boy to call my son. I'm so proud of him and intend to spend the rest of my life making him aware of how special he is to me and everyone who knows him. Part of that is because it's my job as his parent and another reason is that I know it is exactly what his Nana would have wanted to do if she had not been taken from him so soon. This is his first birthday without her and as with every first, it's painful. She was always a big part of his birthday and came over for dinner each year on that day to celebrate his day. Her chair may be empty this year but her spirit is with him, I know that.


Happy Birthday, my beautiful bubbalicious boy. Mama loves you!

Here is a video montage I made of some of my favorite pictures of my boy.

Losses all around

This afternoon I found out that a friend of mine lost his mom to cancer. Matty is a great guy with a heart of gold and my own heart is breaking a bit thinking of what he's feeling now as well as what is to come for him and his family. I can do nothing to help, except to let him know he's in my thoughts. Sad :(

Just a while ago I found out that one of my favorite filmmakers of all time has passed. John Hughes died today at the age of 59 after a sudden heart attack in NYC. His movies defined my generation and provided me with countless hours of enjoyment. He had a knack at crafting stories that just about anyone in that age bracket could relate to. He understood teenage angst and had the ability to craft iconic characters from each gender that no other filmmaker was able to do, in my opinion. I am certain that tonight there are many people who are going to watch a movie of his and remember how great his talent was. I know I will be doing that.

Looking at a list of the movies that he is responsible for during his 80's heyday is astonishing. "National Lampoon's Vacation","Sixteen Candles" "The Breakfast Club", "Weird Science", and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" are just a few that come to mind. He tried a more grown up take in the late 80's with movies like "She's Having a Baby", a movie I later watched a couple times while pregnant with my boy. He was responsible for writing one of the biggest blockbusters of all time, "Home Alone". He pretty much faded out of the spotlight following that, only doing some screenwriting under pseudonyms.

My favorite of his movies, without a doubt, is "Sixteen Candles". It tells the story of Samantha Baker, whose 16th birthday is forgotten by her family in the midst of her older sister's impending wedding. I really have no idea how many times I've seen that movie; if I had to guess I'd say 20 or so. Of all his movies this one has the the most memorable characters and some of my favorite dialogue of the movies of this genre. Some of the characters that made this movie unforgettable are: Farmer Ted, the geek; Jake Ryan, the total hottie; the oddball set of grandparents on either side of the family and of course, the Chinese foreign exchange student, Donger - Long Duc Dong. Two of my favorite dialogue sequences that always made me giggle are these:

The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I am reading as relatively hostile
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile

Grandpa Fred: Dong. Where is my automobile
Long Duc Dong: Otto-mo-biiiile?

After hearing of his passing I searched Youtube for a clip of this gem to watch and found the original trailer.





RIP John Hughes and Rosemary Barnett
:(

Coping and Hoping

My son has begun to receive respite services from the county. Respite is a service provided to give parents of special needs kids a break. The provider is trained in the particular disability of the child and acts as a babysitter. They either take the child on a community outing or sit with them at your home. We've had both lately and it's proven to be a huge help to both the boy and myself. I get some free time and he gets to go out and experience an adventure with his new friend. He is now 5 weeks into a seven week break from school and we really haven't had a whole lot of time apart from each other in that time span. I think, for Nick and I, breaks are essential. We have a great bond and I know that I am the key person in his life as he is mine so him needing time away from me isn't something I take personally. As much as I love my child and revel in my role as his mama, I need more that that to fuel me as well. I have always thought that the moms who stayed home with their kids full-time were the real unsung heroes of this world. And I have always known that wasn't something I either wanted or would be good at it. Today is my son's third outing with his awesome new pal. He has behaved so wonderfully each time they've gone out. She's taken him to a few movies and he just sits there with a huge smile on his face the whole time, watching the movie and chomping on his popcorn. I am SO proud of my little man for being so wonderful for her! I was a bit nervous about how he'd fare with her the first time out but my fears were unfounded as he sailed through that with flying colors. I really think this respite will be good for the both of us, I only wish I had taken advantage of the opportunity a while back when it was first offered to me. Before she got sick my mom was my de facto respite provider. She cared for him so I could work on Saturdays and often when I just needed to go off and do something for me. I used to ask her often if she felt I was taking advantage of her and she'd assure me she did not. She loved to care for the little man and no amount of time spent being with him was too much for her. I appreciated that so much and always made sure she knew it. I was very secure in the knowledge that my child was being well cared for when she had him. This is one of the things I miss the most, not having her around - that security.


When my mom passed nearly 8 months ago it was such a crazy time for us. Christmas was on the horizon some two weeks later and I was so worried about how Nick was going to react towards losing her and seeing me in a sad, confused state. I went on automatic pilot following her passing and bottled alot of emotions. My major concern was making things as normal for Nick as I possibly could. The problem was simply this - my son and I are so connected that even if I tried to pretend things were ok on the outside - and I did - he knew better. Even if I wasn't outwardly showing emotion it was below the surface and he both felt and reacted towards it. His reactions were puzzling to me because they totally went against the grain of his nature. My sweet, loving boy became very agitated and rough with me. I understood that it was the pain and confusion that was causing him to do that but it hurt all the same. That lasted for close to two months before he began to behave like the Nick we all know and love. I felt so badly for him, knowing he had to have many questions that he was unable to ask. Kids always do in death situations and the fact that he couldn't just ask me when she's coming back or tell me how badly he missed her had to be terrible for him. I know he understands what I say to him but still must have wanted more clarification. Try as I might I cannot fathom how hard that was for him. Thinking about how hard he struggled with that is still hard to do.

Since I am no longer as worried about him I am now focusing on me a bit. I began to go to grief counseling to focus on helping me come to terms with the finality of her loss. It's not just kids that have a hard time with that, apparently. I am convinced that grief over such a profound loss is a life-long process. You never get over a loss like this, despite wanting to. Coping, accepting, and learning to live without that person become your main focuses. I think I have been in a kind of denial about just how differently my life would play out without her. Sometimes I worry that I am still not in a place where the full realization has hit me yet. For comfort I still cling to some material things that bring me peace - her old theater sweatshirts she loved, even a sweat-jacket of hers that I wore home from her house the night she passed. I even still have all the numbers she could be reached at in my cell phone and cannot bring myself to erase them yet. Maybe that is me hanging on to the past but since the past is when she was here, its more preferable to the present where she's not. Another reason her loss was so hard for me to take was the fact that my father isn't a part of the lives of my son and I. Sadly, even when he was he was more a peripheral part of my life. The role he played in my life was that similar to a distant uncle or cousin.. we never had a real father/daughter relationship. I think that fact has made the loss of my mom even harder to take. She wore many hats with me, for sure, and strived to be the same way for Nick. The saddest part of her loss is the simple fact that her passing robbed him of that. That makes me even more sad than the fact that it was I who lost my mom. I was lucky enough to have her for over 39 years - my boy only had her for six.

I truly hope that this counseling aids me in coming to terms with this. I'm committed to do what I need to do to both deal with the lingering pain and move past it the point where it dulls and is more manageable. I recently read the book "Motherless Daughters" and was left with the feeling that my feelings of fear, ambivalence, and sadness are so very appropriate and all too common. The book asserts something that I wholly agree with - that some women, myself included - are as profoundly changed by the loss of their mom as they were by the life they lived. One way that resonates with me is how I have been called upon to to assert myself a bit since she passed. I'm a softer person by nature than my mom was. She never shied from a confrontation whereas I tend to run from them. When she passed it dawned on me how I had always been dependant on her to provide me with the added backbone I was sorely lacking. I know her well.. she would want me to carry on and try to stand on my own and face up to people when the situation called for it. Things that were easier to tolerate before have become harder since that realization. Weak as I sometimes feel, I have begun to feel bolstered by what defined her - that ornery, fighting spirit. She used to tell me that I always underestimated my own strength. In the letter she wrote to me to be read after she passed she reminded me of that again. I used to think that was just her, as my mom, seeing me in a more favorable light that I do myself. Sometimes I'm not so sure she was wrong. Maybe it's her spirit guiding me now. Whatever it is, I have been altered and will never be the same.

Next week we are facing another milestone, the first birthday of my son since she passed. It's hard for me to imagine celebrating something like a birthday without her because she was so integral to those celebrations. Just like with any first it will be hardest but we'll solider on and get through that day. I know she's still with us in spirit, especially with Nicky. She may not be there physically but she's still there. That is where the coping comes to play - having that be enough when all you want is her there in body too. A great learning lesson for everyone involved, I think.

Something I just wanted to share..

Recently I came upon a quote that really resonated with me and I felt the urge to write about how much it affected me here. As far as I am concerned, truer words have rarely been spoken.

"Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is forever to decide to have your heart go walking outside your body"

A very simple passage but one that really stuck with me. Beautiful words to describe a parents love for the child they helped create. Since I only have the mother's perspective to go with here, I can only speak as the person who grew a child in my body. I know a fathers love for his child is strong, no doubt about that, but there is something that seems magical and powerful about a mother's love for her baby. Since I lost my mom I have given alot of thought about maternal love and how it's affected me as a grown woman and the role it has played in how I express love for my boy. Stating the obvious here I will have to say that there is just nothing more gripping and life-changing than that kind of love. Other types of love fade but that one just seems to strengthen over time. Struggles with how difficult parenting can be are forgotten when you look at your child and know how it's all worth it. All of this is just from my point of view, of course, but I am sure these feelings are universal in nature.

Love, in any form but parental love, is something that is hard to explain. Either you feel it or you don't. The love a parent has for their child is the most profound form of it but that's not to say that those who have never reproduced are incapable of feeling something just as strong. Speaking as someone who loved a pet profoundly, I can say that kind of love is in the same ballpark as the one I have for my son. The main difference is this - I have been able to live my life and go on without my dog; I don't think the same could be said if I was without my son. Gizmo touched my heart but Nick owns it. He owns it because he IS my heart - it's as simple as that.

I've always been a big fan of letting pictures tell the story so here are a couple of pictures of what I think love looks like.

The below pic is one of all time favorites. This picture never fails to warm me and make me smile.




This picture was taken last summer at my mom's house. The look on her face as she looks at him is so sweet. His smile as he basks in that attention is just as wonderful. I love this picture and am so very glad I have it.

Another school year is done..

Nick started his long summer break as of Friday, June 26th. So far, so good.. but I may want to wait a few weeks before really saying that as that could change. He loves the routine and structure of school but has been enjoying sleeping in since the school year has ended. His in-home therapy hours were doubled from their usual twelve hours a week to continue to work on the skills he's lacking and to keep the ones he's mastered fresh. He has a great young guy who has been working with him for a couple of months now and that tutor has been able to be pick up the extra shifts that Nick has been granted. I am happy about that because having another tutor come in to work with him would require a few sessions of rapport building just to get aquainted and that could take away from Nick getting the extra help he needs. This guy has a way of making it fun for my boy and that is always a plus in getting Nick to do anything, believe me.

His teacher sent home some pictures taken of Nick during the school year. Here are some of my favorites:

Cookie decorating day during the week of Halloween



This picture shows Nick with his favorite of the aides in his class, Miss Sherri. Nick LOVES her and I happen to agree with him.. she's very sweet and the smile he gets on his face even when her name is mentioned is too precious. I think my boy may have a little crush on her.. too cute!



The below pic was taken of Nick on his class field trip to the pumpkin patch last October. This was the day that he made his mama's heart nearly stop from fright when he took off and was nowhere to be found for nearly ten minutes.. I am quite used to him making my heart skip a beat or two but this was entirely different!




At the end of the school year his teacher also sent home two books of art projects that Nick had been working on all school year. They targeted both numbers and letters and I took some pictures of the ones I really thought were particularly wonderful.














As you may be able to tell, I am a very proud mama. My boy has been through so much this past year and while he is still coping with the absense of someone who was an integral part of his young life, he's doing so much better now than he was a few months ago. I honestly don't think I could love that boy any more than I already do. He has made my world a better place and continues to bring me the joy that I need to combat the sadness that still plagues me often. What a guy he is!

Six months later..

Today was the sixth month anniversary of my mom's passing. It honestly doesn't seem possible that a half year has gone by. There are days when it only seems like yesterday and others where it seems like a year or two since she was here. I do know she's better off - at least from the last days when she subsided on morphine and the sips of water she was able to withstand. Are the people who love her better off? Well, that is a totally different answer but since we weren't the ones suffering like that I don't think that matters all the much. Speaking only for myself I'd say that I am coping as best as I can and trying to focus on how to live the rest of my life without the one person who was always there. Not an easy task but it can be done and has to be. I've always heard that death is inevitable in the cycle of life and while that is very cliche, it's also quite true. If I let myself think about how unfair what she had to go through was I'd most likely not be able to appreciate how fortunate she was that she actually lived longer than what was expected of her. Her last year was one with many adventures; she knew what was coming and tried, and did, cram alot in that short time span. She went to visit her closest friends in Mexico, went over to coast to go camping, and drove to visit her brother and his family in Texas. That last trip, only two months before she died, was the hardest one on her body and she never really bounced back from that. She never regretted going and saying goodbye to her family there and I am so glad she made that jaunt.

When I think of my mom I think of someone who was so fiesty that it's hard to believe that something ever took her down. Those who know her and are reading this are most likely nodding their heads in agreement. She was a pistol - plain and simple. Tolerating people she didn't like was not her strong suit.. she'd to it in situations where she had to but you always knew that doing so wasn't organic to who she was. I once overheard a co-worker of hers describe her as someone who either loved you or told you to screw (and that was NOT his word) off.. there were very few happy mediums with my mom. She was definitely a person who called it like she saw it and hated pretense. She had friends from all walks of life and was someone who definetely valued them. Many of her friendships spanned decades and she was loyal to a fault to those who endeared themselves to her. I still keep in contact with some of the people who she brought joy to and it warms me to get together with them and talk about her. Yes, it can make me sad but when I see how many people she touched by just being who she was it makes me proud she was my mom.

The biggest part of her was her heart and there was never a person who touched that more than my son, no doubt about it. She loved my brother and I but with parenting came a long, hard and often alone struggle. Being my son's nana was simply a joyous thing for her. Despite having worked all week long she eagerly awaited the Saturdays that she would watch him while I worked. She took great joy in eveything he did and was simply his number one fan. When we discovered his disability her response was simple - she wanted to know how we could make his life better and what can be done for him. There was never a moment of self-pity that her beloved boy was afflicted with this; she knew he was special, she said, and this proved it. She truly believed he'd rise to the challenge and overcome all the obstacles. I appreciated that so much and knew that she would be there for him all the way and she'd revel in his accomplishments one day. Now she has to do it from afar but I know she is watching him.

All this talk of her and the special bond she has with her boy makes me want to share some great pics I have of them.

This picture was taken when we was only about 3 weeks old. I love how happy she looks here.



I always looking at the way my mom looked at her Nick. Such love and adoration



My mom had pictures taken of her and Nick to send out in her Christmas cards the year the boy was born. I love the contrast here between how tan she was - and this was December, mind you - and how white Nick is. Yep, he is my kid.





This one was taken at Nick's second birthday party. I love how cute he looks feeding her a potato chip.



This isn't a picture of her and her boy but it is one that totally captures the spirit of my mom. She was totally a product of the 60's. This pic really makes me smile because it was just so.. her.

It's been three months since I last posted here. I have thought many times about coming here to get my feelings out but there are some days that neither talking nor writing about them appeal to me at all. I have spent a good portion of the last three months learning ways to cope with this new life without my mom and focusing on keeping things on an even keel for my son. Nick does better when I have a handle on my own emotions and am calm so that has become a major focus for me. People ask me often how I am doing and it really does change all the time. I honestly try to focus on the happier times and not think of her death. Her life was much more than the agonizing last six weeks that preceeded her passing. Thinking of the times that led up to that make me so much happier. I have so many fond memories of her, especially of the last six or seven years of her life. Those were the years that we really were able to grow closer. Nick was definitely the glue that both bound us and helped seal up the cracks that were there before. Our relationship wasn't always smooth sailing, by any means, but when I look back on it I can easily forget the strife and years where we weren't very close at all. That is a testement to how great the last years were for us and our relationship as mother and daughter.

You know how people always talk about how it's the little things you miss when someone is gone? That is so true in this situation. It's the daily calls, the little things that my child does that I know she would have loved to hear about, and the smile that Nick would get when we approached her house. Those are things that we both miss. The difference is that I can talk about how missing those things make me feel and he cannot. He had it very rough for a long while after she passed. Confusion and sadness led him to act out in ways that were uncharacteristic of him. Every aspect of his life - school, therapy, outings in the community with me, everything - became ordeals. He was finally able to calm down a bit about two months after she passed. He has asked for her in his own way by pointing her to picture and saying "yes" or "please".. which is what he does when he wants something. Those moments are heart-wrenching because there is no possible way for me to give him what he wants. I just remind him she's not in pain anymore and looks out after him now. That is most likely hard for him to completely comprehend but I have always been convinced that his receptive language skills are far superior than I, or anyone else, give him credit for. He is a very smart boy and it's so nice to see him back to being the incredibly sweet, loving boy he always was. His hugs and kisses truly are my tonic and his smile can make me want to join in even when sadness is threatening to take over.

This whole week leading up to my first Mother's Day without her has been really hard for me. It pains me to see all the ads on TV.. they only remind me that she isn't here for me to buy a gift for or honor her on her day. I know that will get easier because everything does in time, doesn't it? I truly think the only constant in life is change - it always happens and sometimes whether we'd like to or not. Life cycles around us and while some of it is painful, like a loss, time heals. I say that to myself over and over and maybe someday it will finally ring true for me. Besides change the only truly consistent thing in my whole life was my mom. We had times where we were on the outs but we most definitely had more good times than bad. She was both my mother, father and friend. She had told many people prior to her passing that she had thought that I'd take her loss the hardest. I don't know about that because I don't think it's fair for me to say my pain is deeper or try to speak as to how someone else is affected by this. All I know is this - this loss has been the single most defining thing that has ever happened to be with the exception of having my beautiful boy. As what happened when I became a mom this has changed me considerably. I definitely see life as more precious and value the people I love even more. I also realize that not only is life something to be treasured, its often too short. I'm attempting to live life to the fullest even more now. This is what I consider part of the healing process and hopefully will stick with me. I have a child to raise and a life to live. Doing both without my mom wasn't something that I thought I would have to do for many years but life threw us all a huge curveball, wouldn't you say? I don't have any great baseball metaphors to use here so I won't even try, but all I know is this - she would want to me to do both of those to the best of my ability and with gusto so that is exactly what I am trying to do.

One of the best days of my mom's life..

My mom lived for the joy my son brought to her, no doubt about that. She had hoped for years to become a grandparent and finally got her wish with the birth of my little boy in August 2002. I found out about my pregnancy in late November 2001 and kept it a secret from my mom and just about everyone else until Christmas. Not telling my mom was very difficult for me but I knew she'd love my little holiday surprise so I kept it under wraps for nearly a month. She later told me it was her best Christmas present ever. I thought alot about that Christmas this year and couldn't help comparing how wonderful the holiday of that year was compared to the bleak one we all experienced this year. She was so excited and elated that she must have called at least ten of her closest friends from my house to tell them about the news. All evening long she kept coming up to me and touching my belly and hugging me, thanking me for this gift. That memory always makes me smile.

My mom was a huge part of my pregnancy and was always calling me to make sure I was taking care of myself, eating right, and getting enough rest. She counted down the weeks on a calendar and kept track of all my medical appointments, calling me from work on my cell phone sometimes even before I left the doctor's office. She went with me to help pick out gifts for my baby registry and was the person who spoiled both my son and I the most at my shower. She never really had much money in life but spent freely making sure her first grandchild had everything and even insisted on buying his crib. To say she was over the moon at the prospect of being a Nana is an understatement. She couldn't have been happier to be at the hospital the night he came into our lives and was on cloud nine the moment she saw his sweet face.

These pictures show the love she had for him at first sight..



My child was born with the reddest, most beautiful lips known to man. Now, naturally I am biased, but look at those.. my mom always said that the angels kissed him before they sent him to us. I love that thought.



My mom always loved this picture of Nick and I. I like it too because of how happy I look and I was. Happiness radiated from me for two important reasons: my healthy, beautiful boy was born, and I was heavily drugged. Being numb from the waist down following childbirth was a damn good thing, in my opinion.



I am so glad to have these pictures and the memories to help show Nick how much he was wanted and loved by all of us, especially her. Death is a hard concept for a typically developed child of six to grasp and with his disability its an even harder one to comprehend. I had prepared him for it as best as I could and tried to explain to him the night she passed how she was no longer in pain and was his angel now. I know he understands she is gone but believe the finality of it alludes him. I wish I could help him understand that better but since I am having a hard time dealing with and accepting that on my own, I think that is something we'll have to endure together.

The things that made my mom happy...

I have decided to use some of the pictures I have to help tell stories about my mom. Part of this is because I really love talking about her to both people who knew her and some who never had that opportunity. Another reason is that I believe this will be cathartic for me.

Here are some things that always brought a smile to her face:

Naturally I will start with her beloved Nick. This was her absolute favorite picture of my boy. The expression on his face was just priceless, in her opinion. He was six weeks old and we had photographers come out to the house to take pictures. They interrupted his feeding time and he was seriously annoyed.. the look on his face definitely shows that!



My mom's passing robbed my nephew Christian of the chance to get to know her as my son did. That was a way of history repeating itself in our family as the same thing happened to my younger brother. He was only a month when our grandfather passed away. I was the fortunate one who got nearly 7 years of love and attention from the wonderful man. My mom kept her dad alive with stories and pictures of him to share with my brother. I know that Christian's daddy will do the same and so will his Auntie. This boy made my mom so happy and this picture shows it.



Next to her children and grandsons what brought my mom the most joy in life were her friends. She had many of them whose friendships with her lasted decades. Two of her oldest and dearest friends retired to Mexico back in 2004. My mom visited them four times, including a two week visit this past May, and loved it there. I'm not sure on which visit these pictures were taken but she looks amazing. Tan, healthy, and young.






My mom loved this bird so much. Bogey was his name and she adored every squawking moment of that birds existence. He passed away in the summer of 2006 during my mom's first battle with cancer. She was devastated and still talked about him until she passed away. I think this is a great picture and shows just how much she and her beloved cockatiel connected.




This was the prettiest corner of her beloved backyard. My mom loved this yard so much and put in many hours caring for it. She spent alot of time back there after she took a medical retirement and it was calming for her. There were many mornings that I would call her after Nick got off to school where she'd be outside "playing in the water", as she called it. She was always proud to show off all her hard work so I know she's smiling at me showing it here.



One of the things about my mom that resonates from looking at pictures of her favorite things in life is how she valued the simple and most important things; love, beauty, friendship, and family. She didn't care if you took her to a fancy restaurant, she cared about the company. She valued sincerity more than anything and took no guff from just about anyone. She spoke her mind and stood up for herself and anyone she loved with the fervor of a mama lion. I grew up thinking that we didn't have much in common but as I aged I began to see many similarities between us. I hope so because it's an honor to continue those patterns of behavior and to value what's most important as she did.

Nana's celebration of life

We had my mom's memorial on Friday, January 9th. That date was chosen because it was also her birthday.. she would have turned 56 that day. The gathering was exactly as she would have wanted it.. very low-key, informal, and filled with people having a nice time. I really did feel as if she was there with us that day. I made sure her wishes were kept; there was nothing formal or religious about the gathering. My mom wasn't an atheist by any means, she just didn't think a person needed organized religion in their lives and preferred to have a quieter walk with God. She had faith, I believe, but it was something she rarely spoke of. I think she was happy that everyone that cared about her respected her wishes as we did. I know I was.

Here are some pictures from that night:

My mom loved the theatre and for a while volunteered at the Old Eagle Theatre in Old Sacramento. These shirts were very special to her and were a reminder of how much fun she had with her friends while working there.



My mom loved this bag filled with pictures of her boo-boo, as she called my Nick



These beautiful flowers sat on a table with framed pics of my mom and son together, including ones of the night he was born.



My mother-in-law put together this beautiful picture board from the many pictures I gathered. The birthdate was incorrect but the board turned out wonderful. Thank you so much for that, Collette.



My brother Rich and I. I know our mom smiled when she saw us pose like this.


My sweet nephew Christian and I. He gave me a big, wet smooch right after this pic was taken. He is precious and I hope to help him grow up knowing just what a fabulous Nana he had.

What my mom wanted, part one

We set her free on New Year's Eve, three weeks after she passed on. Knowing my mom as well as I did, I'd have to say she was more than ready to be released at that point. She never did like confines of any kind. A portion of her ashes are still with me waiting to be taken to Mexico where her closest friends will scatter them. It will make her happy to be there, she loved visiting her friends there and now she'll always be there with them.

There is a comical story surrounding the scattering of her ashes, or in this case I'd have to call it the dumping over of them. Her best friends oldest daughter was the first person who took the ashes out of the bag and walked towards the surf. She made the mistake of turning her back on the waves and when she did a large wave come upon her, knocking her over. When she got back up, covered in that cold sea water, the bag of ashes fell over. Now, like I said, I know my mom.. she totally had a hand in that.. she was never one to be completely solemn in any situation and she most likely was impatient to be out of that bag at that point. Poor Melissa was the one who had to pay the price, being drenched in the process, but the end result was that she was free. My mom most likely knew that if I had to touch her ashes and dispense of them I would be an emotional mess. This way it was quick and easy and she was out of that confine.

It took me about 2 seconds to get over my initial sadness at how that happened. After that I just had to laugh. What else can you do at that point? She was laughing, I know. One thing about my mom was she really did have a wicked sense of humor and she may have felt badly for poor Melissa but would've laughed all the same. What happened really broke up the tension of the day and helped me feel as if my mom was truly there with us on that day's journey. The weather was chilly and the air was filled with mist but it was a beautiful day and going over to the coast and doing this for my mom was the only way I thought would be fitting to end the year.

After this episode was over with I kept walking down to the spot where her ashes fell out of the bag and talking to her. I told her how much we missed her but understand she is better off now and how we all love her. I asked her if she was now happy.. obviously I didn't expect an answer but I felt as if she was telling me one with the calmness and peace that I felt there.

The mist in the air had an adverse effect on my camera, making taking pictures there difficult. I managed to get this one of her urn sitting on the sand before her ashes were taken out of it.



I feel completely drawn to that beach where she was placed and cannot wait to get back there again. Luckily before we had the ashes mishap we took some of them out of the bag and set them aside to be sent down to her friends that live in Mexico. I will have the remaining bit of her until sometime next month when they'll be transported down there by a friend that lives here who'll be visiting down there. She is back on my fireplace mantle, next to the ashes of my sweet Gizmo. I think sending her ashes along their way will be difficult but I know I will still feel her. I always do and won't let myself forget just how good that feels.

I hope you're happy, Mom. Love you very, very much.