I don't know where to start with writing this blog entry.. I am usually pretty good with words, especially in the written form, but I have no words that will fully capture how I am feeling at this moment and how I've felt these past few weeks so I will just start by talking about what has happened and see if the words follow..

My mom lost her brave battle with cancer on Wednesday, December 10th. She fought it so hard and was the only battle in her life that she couldn't win. I have never before known a stronger, tougher woman and I am even more impressed by those qualities now after seeing how they carried her through her war against that awful disease. She entered hospice care the week before and lasted six days with her systems failing. She was a trooper to the very end and still showed the spunk that defined her until the day she died. Each day that she lived with her body giving out was worse than the previous one, for sure. I had always seen my mom as force bigger than life and to see her battling against cancer and wanting an end to her suffering was the worst thing I have ever seen witnessed. I had hoped to be there when she passed but she had other plans apparently. I was the only person who was closest to her at the time of her death to not be present in her house when she went home. It is clear to me that she didn't wish for me to be there. I rushed over there when I heard and it was such an odd experience to see her finally at peace and without pain.. I could characterize seeing that as beautiful but at the same time the hardest sight I have ever seen. Hard because seeing that meant she was truly gone. It literally broke my heart to see that and I know that I will never be the same. I miss her.. the person who existed before cancer came to eat at her insides, so very much and I know that nothing will ever be the same again. Not for me or anyone else who truly loved her.

My mom gave very specific instructions as to how she wished for a non-religious ceremony that celebrates her life and only touches on her passing. She chose to be cremated and wished for her most of her ashes to be placed in a body of water and another portion sent to her friends who live in Mexico for them to place in the sea of Cortez. She had never lived her life as a kept woman, she said, and didn't wish to remain in an urn to be kept here. As her daughter and the person she entrusted with this task, I will make sure all of her wishes are carried out per her instructions. I picked up her ashes on Christmas Eve and a group of us will be taking them over to Bodega Bay on New Year's Eve to set her free.

All of this - witnessing her suffer, having her leave, getting her ashes back - everything, just doesn't seem real to me most of the time. Going over to her house is very odd for me. I halfway expect to see her sitting in her comfy chair watching TV and getting excited to see me and my son. Before she passed she wrote a letter to us to have as a reminder of how much love she carried. She told me of her great joy in watching me with Nick. I used to catch her looking at the two of us and the look on her face always brought me such happiness and peace. I was so touched to have her tell me from beyond how much she enjoyed that. I know that letter was hard for her to write, especially the part directed at her Nick. She loved that child as much as I do and made sure to tell him that dying is the only way she would have ever left him.. she lived for that boy from the moment she knew of his pending arrival to the moment she left this Earth. He held her heart and she said that having him come into her life as her grandson completed her. What a gift for him to have, huh? To have two people on this planet feel the same way.. I will make sure he grows up knowing this and understands just how hard she fought to stay with him.

This is just an outline of all I wish to say about my mom. There are so many other things I will be adding to this; stories, pictures, and details of how we're all going to learn to live without her in our lives. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me and been there for me during this. You all know who you are and know that I am appreciative of the cards, phone calls, e-mails, and IM's you've sent me. Thank you and and I love you all.

What a month November was...

I would have to say that the whole month of November was pretty much a blur, even though it just technically ended. Nick was off school and not happy about it one bit and my mom's health took a major decline. She began getting weaker during the first part of the month and spent 5 days in the hospital this past week. The pain has become much more constant and it isn't even taken away by the massive amounts of pain medications she is on. The scans done this past week showed blood clots in both her heart and in her leg. Her prognosis is grim, to say the least. She has wisely decided to end chemotherapy treatment and focus on pain management. Hospice has been called in and medical supplies have been delivered to her house.

Seeing her suffering like this is excruiciating and the feeling of helplessness is really overwhelming. I have never before seen a person suffer and it is truly an awful sight. I wouldn't wish what she is going through on anybody. A friend of mine who has an amazing, poetic way with words once said to me regarding people with terminal illnesses, my mom in particular, that we have not only consideration for such warriors but admiration as well. A nice thing to say, don't you agree? Thanks for that, Alex. This is something I think of often and agree with wholeheartedly.

I am doing my very best to hold my emotions in around my mom. The problem is that she knows me far too well for me hide much. I just tend to avoid looking at her in the eye when something is beginning to upset me. If you know me you know that I have extremely expressive eyes; they give me away often and she doesn't need to see that from me. I am not always sucessful, mind you, but I try my damndest.

My son is now back in school as of this morning and he seems to be enjoying it. His teacher sent me a note saying that he had a good first day back at school. He thrives on routine and normalcy in his life and school is the best thing for him right now. Throughout the next days, weeks, and months I am going to strive to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy. He senses the stress I am under and how it's affecting him has been manisfested in his behavior. I am hoping the hours that he is away from me while he's in school will be good for him to be rid of that for that time. His teacher is aware of what is happening in our family now and is on the lookout for any behaviors that are out of the ordinary at school. My biggest concern is how my moms passing will affect him. I am trying to prepare him the best way I can and have received some valuable information from his therapy team as to how to talk him to regarding his Nana. As a parent I just wish to protect him from any possible hurt out there.. this type of hurt he and the rest of us will experience and are experiencing isn't the kind I can shield him from and that is possibly the hardest lesson that I will be left with.