Comfort food

For years everytime I heard the term 'comfort food' what popped into my head was something my mom used to make quite often. Eating it always reminded me of being a kid and feeling warm and safe. It's a simple dish, really. Not too many ingredients and it doesn't require a lot of either prep work or time to make it. Even considering those factors I had never quite been able to make it the way both my mom and grandma had. I had tried in the past and just didn't seem to be able to pull it off. Plus, it was always something that my mom could just whip up quickly and her version was always much better than what I had attempted. Isn't that sometimes how it is? There's always that one (or sometimes than one) dish that it seems that only one person could make for you. For me it was my mom's hot spaghetti. When I say it's a simple dish I am not kidding - cayenne pepper, garlic salt, butter, and Parmesan cheese. Easy, right? Not really. There is a matter of reserving some of the water to make a sauce that coats the pasta without making it too watery. That was the hard part for me for some reason - mine either came out as dry as a desert or way too soupy.

The other day I woke up craving some hot spaghetti. I had all of the ingredients on hand so I thought that I'd give it a try. I had not tried to make it in a few years and the last time that I did have it my mom had made it for me one day when she came over for lunch. Right before I drained the water I used a soup ladle and scooped out about 2 cups of water to attempt to get the sauce right. I added a little at a time and it started to look like how my mom made it. One taste told me that I had done it right. That's where the tears started flowing. I was happy that I had made it the way she told me too but having it without her made me sad at the same time. By the time that I had dished it and sat down to eat it the tears had stopped and it just felt like I was enjoying something that I had always enjoyed and reminded me of home.


Lately my mom has been on my mind quite a bit. This is probably why I woke up wanting something she used to make for me. The second anniversary of her passing is coming up soon and it doesn't seem like it's been that long at all. Losing her so close to the holidays makes this time of the year hard for me. The couple of people that I know who've lost family members so close to the holidays tell me that the first few years are the hardest but that it does get easier to rejoice in this time a year further on down the road. I know they're right but honestly sometimes, especially days like today, it just doesn't feel that way. At least now I know that I have the ability to whip up a bowful of something I thought only she could make for me and enjoy it while thinking of her. Hers was better, no doubt about it, but mine's not that bad either.

Nothin' like a cute fireman..

For Halloween this year Nick dressed up as a fireman. His class had a field trip to a firehouse this past June and ever since then Nick has shown an interest in anything that has to do with firetrucks and all things associated with being a fireman. When we drive by that particular fire station that we visited with his class he'll often wave at it as well. Funny thing - when his daddy was young he was a major pyromaniac and his son is the opposite. I can't even light a candle without Nick trying to blow it out! Maybe we have a future firefighter on our hands here, who knows..

I just love this picture of Nick and the fireman he met at the field trip this past June.



Here's my very own cute fireman:








This was really the first year he was totally into trick-or-treating. He enjoyed himself quite a bit last year but was the first year that he displayed a great sense of excitement and anticipation for the holiday. He had such a good time going that on the next night he gathered up his entire costume and brought it to me, saying "please" and indicating that he wanted to go again. I had to explain to him that Halloween only comes once a year and that it will be long time before he can put on another costume and go out and knock on doors. I love that he had such a good time that he wanted to go so soon. That kind of excitement on his part always brings a smile to my face :)

Birthday beach trip, take two

Last month on my birthday I took a trip over to the beach where my mom's ashes were placed to spend some time there with her. I did it last year and intend to do it every year. We always had spent a part of that day together and it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't go to where I feel the closest to her to continue that tradition. I'd have to say that this year's trip was much easier than when I went before. I've had another year to adjust to her absence and allow the permanence of it to sink in. The feelings of loss weren't as raw as they were last year so less pain was felt and instead a calm sense of both her presence and peace washed over me while I was there.

I set out on the trip mid-morning and really enjoyed the scenic drive. Wright's Beach is right outside of the town of Bodega Bay which is about a two hour trek from where I live. Driving the route I normally go you pass through parts of the wine country and through the town of Petaluma. I noticed when I got to the point where Bodega Bay was about ten miles away that I felt a lump in my throat beginning to form and a pit in my belly. For some reason I was both nervous and excited to be going to her beach. That feeling continued until I parked and got out of the car. The moment I headed towards the shore I lost all those feelings and just felt an overwhelming sense of being one with her and the feeling that where I was at that moment was where I should be. The weather was insanely nice that day; a stark contrast to the dismal skies the year before and I am sure that helped my demeanor as well. I took off my boots and walked down towards the surf, standing at the exact spot where her ashes fell out of the urn. I spoke her to at length like I did last year and again knew that she already was aware of all I was saying to her but somehow just saying those things out loud helped me again.

Since the weather was so nice there and being there was much easier than last year I spent a good deal more time there than before. I had taken with me a blanket that she crocheted for me as a gift for my 16th birthday and spread it out on the bench of a picnic table that was on the beach. I then laid down on that and plugged in my Ipod, listening to the music I knew she loved as I did last year. The combination of the warm sun, the scent of the salt water in the air, the good music flooding my ears, and her presence made me feel such a sense of contentment that I hated for it to end. When my empty stomach began to protest is when I decided to leave and grab a bite to eat before I began the drive home. Before I did that I walked down to the surf and again spoke to her, promising to come back next year if not sooner to be there with her. While I drove towards home I felt that lump form again that was there earlier and just knew that the emotions were rising up again. To calm myself I parked and sat there for a while. Going away from her spot made me sad but I am lucky because I feel close to her wherever I am. As long as I have the ability to remind myself of that I can make it through the rest of my life without her. When she died we were in a good place, relationship-wise, and had said all that we needed to say to one another. Not everyone has the chance to do that with a dying parent and for that, as well as many other things with respect to her, I am a lucky girl indeed.

Here are some pictures from this year's trip:

What a gorgeous day, huh?







I stopped and got out at a point somewhere between Wright's Beach and the Bodega Dunes campground and took this picture. I just couldn't get over what a lovely day it was there!



This is the blanket with my mom's initials and date that she made for me. I had packed that blanket away in a box and only recently found it. When I use it for warmth I think of her crocheting it for me and that makes me feel even warmer inside


I am so thankful that I was able to go there again. I am also very thankful for the birthday wishes from my friends and family. Once again a good friend of mine chose to remind me on my birthday of the number of days until I hit the big 5-0 milestone. I do believe I will have the last laugh on that one as he will hit it before I do. Thanks again, brat :)