Birthday beach trip, take two

Last month on my birthday I took a trip over to the beach where my mom's ashes were placed to spend some time there with her. I did it last year and intend to do it every year. We always had spent a part of that day together and it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't go to where I feel the closest to her to continue that tradition. I'd have to say that this year's trip was much easier than when I went before. I've had another year to adjust to her absence and allow the permanence of it to sink in. The feelings of loss weren't as raw as they were last year so less pain was felt and instead a calm sense of both her presence and peace washed over me while I was there.

I set out on the trip mid-morning and really enjoyed the scenic drive. Wright's Beach is right outside of the town of Bodega Bay which is about a two hour trek from where I live. Driving the route I normally go you pass through parts of the wine country and through the town of Petaluma. I noticed when I got to the point where Bodega Bay was about ten miles away that I felt a lump in my throat beginning to form and a pit in my belly. For some reason I was both nervous and excited to be going to her beach. That feeling continued until I parked and got out of the car. The moment I headed towards the shore I lost all those feelings and just felt an overwhelming sense of being one with her and the feeling that where I was at that moment was where I should be. The weather was insanely nice that day; a stark contrast to the dismal skies the year before and I am sure that helped my demeanor as well. I took off my boots and walked down towards the surf, standing at the exact spot where her ashes fell out of the urn. I spoke her to at length like I did last year and again knew that she already was aware of all I was saying to her but somehow just saying those things out loud helped me again.

Since the weather was so nice there and being there was much easier than last year I spent a good deal more time there than before. I had taken with me a blanket that she crocheted for me as a gift for my 16th birthday and spread it out on the bench of a picnic table that was on the beach. I then laid down on that and plugged in my Ipod, listening to the music I knew she loved as I did last year. The combination of the warm sun, the scent of the salt water in the air, the good music flooding my ears, and her presence made me feel such a sense of contentment that I hated for it to end. When my empty stomach began to protest is when I decided to leave and grab a bite to eat before I began the drive home. Before I did that I walked down to the surf and again spoke to her, promising to come back next year if not sooner to be there with her. While I drove towards home I felt that lump form again that was there earlier and just knew that the emotions were rising up again. To calm myself I parked and sat there for a while. Going away from her spot made me sad but I am lucky because I feel close to her wherever I am. As long as I have the ability to remind myself of that I can make it through the rest of my life without her. When she died we were in a good place, relationship-wise, and had said all that we needed to say to one another. Not everyone has the chance to do that with a dying parent and for that, as well as many other things with respect to her, I am a lucky girl indeed.

Here are some pictures from this year's trip:

What a gorgeous day, huh?







I stopped and got out at a point somewhere between Wright's Beach and the Bodega Dunes campground and took this picture. I just couldn't get over what a lovely day it was there!



This is the blanket with my mom's initials and date that she made for me. I had packed that blanket away in a box and only recently found it. When I use it for warmth I think of her crocheting it for me and that makes me feel even warmer inside


I am so thankful that I was able to go there again. I am also very thankful for the birthday wishes from my friends and family. Once again a good friend of mine chose to remind me on my birthday of the number of days until I hit the big 5-0 milestone. I do believe I will have the last laugh on that one as he will hit it before I do. Thanks again, brat :)