About the boy..

The last six months have been ones of incredible growth and change for him. Size-wise he's changed so much. He's grown about two inches since the beginning of the year and his once rail-thin little body has begun to fill out a bit also. Vocal ability still eludes him for the most part but he tries so hard each day. The inability to express himself does have a tendency to be expressed in ways that are disruptive at times - tantrums, crying, and things of that nature. These outbursts are hard to handle but very understandable. But.. being the parent I cannot allow him to just vent whenever he wants to. I wish I could say I understand how he does feel but I don't. I have never had the inability to express myself and that is something he deals with constantly. There are times that I would just love to be able to climb inside of his brain for a day and see things in the manner he does. I know that's not possible, but it's definitely something I would do if I could. I often wonder how much doing that would change my perspective on the world around us since I would be seeing things the same things he sees. So many questions come to mind when I think of doing that - would the colors I see somehow be sharper? would sounds appear to be louder? how frustrated would I be to not be able to speak when nearly everyone around me does on a regular basis? I have so many questions and really would give just about anything to be able to understand my child better.

I love to watch him when he isn't aware I am doing so and see how he observes his surroundings. He really fascinates me and I try to see things the way he does with those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. Everything seems to fascinate him and he has many interests. I still am waiting to see what special gift he was blessed with. Many people on the spectrum have something that they are able to do that sets them apart from others. For a while I was convinced that his had to do with numbers; they interested him and amused him as well. His love of the written word in any form has been one constant in his life since he was a baby. Like his mom he adores books and almost always has one or more near him. He really loves the grocery ads as well. Nothing makes him happier than scattering them across the kitchen table and pointing out to me what he likes or having me tell him what the items are. He can also identify things when I ask them what they are with amazing accuracy. Taking him out to places like stores and restaurants can be dicey situations as I never know if something will upset him or his mood will change to the point that being out in public isn't a fun option for either of us or the people we might be around. I still plug away and take him out despite this though. I honestly think that I'd be doing him a disservice if I didn't. He has the same rights as anyone else to be out there.. if he acts up I do my best to take him out of the environment as quickly as possible. I think if I were to avoid taking him out that would send the message to others, and perhaps even Nick, that I am using the fact that there are times when it really is very hard to do that, as an excuse not to. So what if it can be difficult? He's worth all the effort it takes to do anything with and for.. it's as simple as that. Sad to me that others don't seem to get that but that is just how it is.

Nick still shows in some ways that he is still feeling the loss of my mom. The summer she was diagnosed as terminal she made a bear for him at Build-A-Bear that she recorded her voice in for him. I keep the bear on a high shelf but Nick will get down the bear from time to time and cuddle with it, pushing it to hear her voice. My mom was the type of person who helped keep Hallmark in business as she bought cards for nearly every occasion. There is a Halloween card she gave him back in '05 that he seems to really love. He carries it around sometimes and points to her writing, sometimes saying "na" when he does. My mom always did say that he will probably read before he can talk and maybe she was correct. Looking at pictures of her tends to evoke varied responses, depending on his mood it appears. There was one picture in the hallway of her and I that he keep turning over. The area is full of pictures of him and his family but that one particular one was the only one that he would mess with. I'd turn it right-side up and he would do the same thing. Finally he threw it down one day and I asked him if seeing that there upset him and he replied "yes". I had figured that it did bother him by the way he was acting towards it.. I just really wanted him to communicate to me that fact. I'm not sure why that picture of her and I upset him so much but I was glad he was able to convey to me that it did. I often wonder if he feels loss on a different level than the rest of us. The night she passed he was very intuned with me and seemed to know she was gone before I could even tell him. He kept stroking my cheek as I was speaking to him about it and looked me intently in the eyes as well. He is the master of non-verbal communication in my opinion.

I wish I had some insight as to what his future holds, but does any parent really know what is in store for their child? You just do your very best to give them what they need to succeed, teach them the differences between right and wrong, and give them all the love and support they need. Parents of children with special needs are really no different in that respect. What sets us apart from parents of typically developed kids is that we do have to sit back and see our kids struggle more than some other parents witness. That being said I still wouldn't trade any aspect of Nick for a child with more abilities. He is perfect the way he is. Thank God for him.